(For the girl I lit the candles for)

Does everyone hide?  Maybe.  I don’t know.

I think so.

I know I did.

So afraid to show who I really was.  So afraid of rejection, not being accepted, valued, loved – probably justifiably.  But how could I ever be really loved, valued, or accepted when I hid so much?  To let go, to surrender – that is the risk we take in order to be known and loved.

I’ll also say this – growing up in my family, church, school, it was hard to fit in.  If I showed my hard side – the law enforcement, strategic thinking, etc. then it was not godly enough or too prickly, worldly, as my former pastors would put it.  If I showed my soft side – the writing, feelings, etc – then I was effeminate, emotional, weak.  What was left for anyone to value or love after all that?

And we’re not even talking about the hidden, broken parts

Here’s my hard, soft, some hidden sides, and the remnants of the heavy but fearsome armor I had to wear for so long.  My armor was my experience, intelligence, even humor, my seemingly tough skin.  It served me well for a long time, but ultimately it wasn’t enough.  I’m just exhausted now.  The armor numbed and wore me out, made me forget there was a human underneath.

But I think you somehow knew better. I call it soft eyes, the ability to see clearer and deeper.  You saw glimpses of who I really was.  Or at least I think you did,  I tried to show you bits and pieces, here and there.  I so wanted you to understand.

I’m tired of hiding.  Here I am.  

Let the chips fall where they may.