(For the girl I lit the candles for)

I play the “what if” game a lot and friends, family at times aren’t that helpful, they seek some type of logical explanation or try to assign blame for how life turns out – both good and bad.  I’ve realized (and it’s hard at times) that things play out the way they do, because they do.  I had many good and amazing days, and those matter.  I also can’t hide the bad years or my mistakes, but that in itself is a gift.  

We are designed to be imperfect and frail at times.  But I am really strong.  And also really weak.  Really brave and really scared.  Very human and still created in the image of God.

As I see it, one of the main goals in life (if not the primary one) is to be loved for who we are – all of it.  If you can’t get that in someone, then it’s not truly love.  I really didn’t get much of it in this life.  People loved me when I had something to offer – knowledge, guidance, kindness, protection, being funny.  I did so many things to receive love.  And although I listened to my heart, I doubted it a lot.  Earned the degrees, took difficult jobs, tried to do brave things, gave others what they wanted or needed, etc. – many times just to be loved.

This time – I will wait and be more patient.  This time with you, I will be more honest – all of it.  I showed people either my armor or silly side, but the truth is deeper and more complex.  I cannot offer you wealth, power, status.  But my heart, soul, experience is yours (and an amazing network and cooking skills), that’s most of what I’ve kept – while few in number, they are not insubstantial or inconsequential.

I don’t know if you’ll ever feel anything back, but I’m so grateful I could love you from afar.  It changed me.  It kept me alive in many ways.