I often quote from Pearl Jam’s seminal song Alive.  It’s actually the first of a trilogy of songs telling the story of a killer.  Alive is about his abusive childhood, Once is about his descent into crime, and Footsteps is about his execution.  I’ve written about this elsewhere but the song’s meaning and impact has changed significantly over the 30 years since its release.  It’s the only song that the band plays in all its concerts.  For me this is a perfect, flawless song up there with Stairway to Heaven.  A gift.

This one is about how God answers.

One of the biggest badasses in the Bible is the prophet Elijah.  My son’s original name was to be his but he would have been a duplicate of someone at church, so he got the name of one of the most deadly men in history.  We shall see whether he lives up to that – right now he likes writing and illustrating books such as the Dumb Fox, Dumb Cat, Dumb Penguin.  And also The Dad Who Curses a Lot.  He got his sense of humor from you know who.  

But back to OG Elijah.  Homey is so confident and tough, he confronts 950 false prophets all by himself and is vindicated by God.  He then calls on the onlookers to slaughter them.  A pastor I once knew said we have to reinterpret some of these violent scenes.  I call BS on that.  These false prophets were involved in some major nonsense, including child sacrifice.

But here’s where it gets twisty turny.  After one of his career highlights, Elijah flees and gets scared to the point of despair, even wishing for death.  This one is either easy or hard to explain – I can’t decide.  I think he was just emotionally drained.  I remember feeling low after playing a great game after initial satisfaction.  How God responds is interesting and telling.  Instead of giving Elijah a sermon, telling him to go read the Bible, pray, fast, etc.  He does something way more practical and fitting. 

He feeds him.  With ravens.  And then tells him he’s not alone.

I saw and experienced some really bad things. Almost all of my case fact patterns were brutal and unfit to repeat.  Especially at the potluck gatherings and small groups at church.  Definitely not first date materials as well.  And I now  just repeat that line from Alive that the protagonist utters after a self-serving, inane conversation with his abuser, who happens to be his mother – Who  answers?  Who answers?

I start to realize that most if not all human answers are imprecise and inadequate.  It’s not that people are complete buffoons.  They are just limited – in skills, experience, power.  Some situations can only be resolved through magic.  

When people ask questions such as why did this happen, I don’t think they’re looking for answers because they are often quite simple and ultimately unsatisfying.  Why do bad things happen to good people?  It’s because there are bad people out there.  Why do bad people prosper?   Because good people stay silent.  It’s not answers that people want – it’s a good response and resolution.

After I lost my church family after vainly attempting to bring the predator at church to accountability, how I thought God responded was interesting and powerful.  Boston – my favorite US city where I spent the best years of my life.  A Philadelphia Assistant DA and NYPD till the day I die but these places felt like stops along the byway.

God answers in many ways.  Food.  A sunrise, a sunset.  Unexpected gifts.  Understanding.  Realizations.  Faith.  Hope.  

Alive.