I told my first love that I had an uncanny gift for finding the most intelligent, emotionally complex girl in the room (I used a different term but I want to remain alive a big longer, so the euphemism here).  It was like my late boy cat being addicted to catnip or moths drawn to the flame.  And if wasn’t looks for sure – the variation was quite large.  

I just laugh.  

My son has always been drawn to good looking girls since he was a baby so hopefully his radar is more attuned than mine.   He has little boy curiosity about girls and his sister makes fun of him but I assure him that he is normal unlike the harsh Christianity I grew up in that assumes anyone with a normal sense of sexuality will become a serial rapist or worse.  I just wave off the girl and ask her which guys she likes in class to embarrass her.

This one is about backstories.

I won’t disclose details but I noticed an interesting pattern.   As I grew older, the ones I’ve loved trended toward lighter backstories.  I ponder whether it’d  make more sense to be with someone who has a heavier or lighter one.  I guess there are pros and cons of either approach.  

I once asked a mentor whether I should date a girl with baggage.  His answer was profound – date the one you love.

But this isn’t just about romantic relationships.  It is also about real connection.  When I reflect on those that understand me or at least appear to, I find that many of them have backstories that trend in the heavier direction.

This isn’t really about suffering but maybe life experiences and how it has been handled.  The empathy and compassion arises out of this – the ability to understand or the curiosity to inquire.

I have also thought about the difference between two of the protagonists in the Dark Knight movie in the Batman trilogy.  Both Harvey Dent and Bruce Wayne fight corruption and crime.  The latter’s backstory is presented as darker – watching his parents murdered in a street robbery.  The former is presented as more of a swashbuckling white knight prosecutor.  The difference is that both ensure trauma in the movie – losing the woman they both love.  But one breaks and becomes a killer while the other remains Batman.  I guess one also has half of his face blown off but let’s just forget that conveniently for now.

I used to hope that my children wouldn’t see or experience as much as I did.  I think that still holds true but not wholly.  Too light a backstory and it affects factors like resilience and character.  Too heavy and it’ll break you I guess.  

But back to the original topic.  I think a very real question I did not seriously consider was who could handle my backstory.  That one is a dissertation in the making.  I barely told anyone anything.  

But I always go back to the wisdom of Led Zeppelin.  It speaks for itself with its layered and deep rooted meaning.  It’s even consistent with the Biblical verses of what constitutes a godly woman in the book of Proverbs –  but a little hard to memorize all the way through – so this will do.

Find a queen without a king.

They say she plays guitar and cries and sings.