Dear S——

I understand it has been a while since we last communicated but I wanted to share some thoughts with you.

Life can take so much but not hope; nothing kills hope.  I have just experienced the darkest years of my life.  Standing up for what was right, mostly alone, took its toll on my job, my family (both which I loved so much) and ended my marriage – heavy losses.  Yet I still want to believe the light is still winning.

Eighteen years ago, I wrote you a letter that I did not send.  In it, I wrote how I felt about you and that I would pray for you over the thousands of miles I drove all over the country, on many occasions almost dying.  I prayed that God would take care of you and provide a good man for you (and no, not me).  I forget the rest.  I would have walked the thousands of miles for you.

During my time in Minnesota, I would light a prayer candle every morning before work for you at the Cathedral of St. Paul.  And while working in Philadelphia as a prosecutor where I stared into the darkness of humanity, yet at home I still slept on a mattress on the floor in a not-so-great apartment and neighborhood, thinking of you brought me much needed light.  These days, I still wonder how and where you are, and I slip in a prayer.  A prayer of hope.

From the first day I met you, I knew you would play a special role in my life, even if I did not know what it would be.

In the many dark nights I’ve experienced, I often thought back to the one time we got to dance together.  You smiled when I asked whether you wanted to dance and my heart changed that night.  Though I was faithful in marriage, I always kept a soft spot for you as someone dear to my heart.  Living in Boston, every time the Red Sox played “Sweet Caroline” at Fenway Park, when the lines, “And when I hurt, hurting runs off my shoulder, How can I hurt while holding you?” came on, I would allow myself a brief moment to think of you.

I have always loved your beautiful soft heart most of all, along with all the other amazing things about you, your intellect, resilience, empathy, and outward beauty.  Your love for family and others, as well as your dedication to service, were always evident to me.  I actually still have the very first note you wrote me 27 years ago.  I loved getting those thoughtful and compassionate notes (and emails) from you.  Most of all, I have always loved your smile and making you laugh.  You often heard me in my tune when I just heard confusion.  Through your kindness for me, you’ve always helped make more bearable the crushing loneliness I experienced for so much of my life.

I am imperfect but I really tried to be a good honorable one who served, taught, guided, and protected others in my own small way.

I have had a difficult life, but it has been, so far, an amazing, beautiful, and great journey. I rose above an unstable (and worse) family, the challenges of immigration, bullying, racism, the many difficult challenges in my jobs, and also my own shortcomings.  But still alive.  Still alive.

I would love to tell you more of my story and listen to all of yours as well.  I am currently living in the DMV area.  I will always care about you.

PS – Sense of humor still intact.  I also was a super shy quiet sensitive kid who cried a lot.  Had to build and wear so much armor.  Spent a lot of my life fighting, mainly because I had to.  Living up to the often ridiculous unrealistic expectations of family and others.  Ready to be done with all that.  Learning to sing a new song, to see with a hundred eyes.  I am more (and less) of what I appear to be.

——————————

Grace

Three perfect memories – the 

dance, teaching you guitar, walking at night at Princeton

The hospital bear (the beginning of my own journey)

The chess piece (the reason we couldn’t play at home for years)

The poem (wrote driving to Boston in the magical fall)

The song (not the greatest songwriter, couldn’t get past the first verse)

The mouse story (a joy to illustrate and write)

And the fair (where God and life were abundantly present)

That letter (a year to complete)

And this one (a gift, a story, a song of hope)

Strove to be strong brave kind

Forced to be quicker tougher smarter

Learned to observe orient decide act

At many times, unyielding, unbending, unbreakable (almost)

I refused to dance on the strings of others

Better to die on your feet than to live on your knees

But often afraid, tired, unsure of myself, alone

And so much pain – did what I did because of, despite, and with

And so much joy – so much laughter, so much joy

Är jag stark eller svag?

Det spelar ingen roll

This time I won’t hold back anything and I’ll walk away a fool or a king

Unconquerable will, soft heart, can’t lose

Like water, like running water

Harimau Malaya

Kancil Melaka

Dinged up bear

Child of God

I wait patiently for Him

Though much is taken, much abides

I have wished for so long, how I wish for you today