(Last year, I wrote a series of letters to someone I call the “nudge from God.” These are the most detailed and accurate accounts of some of the events and thoughts in my life. I will post them in some fashion or other.

They are my truth.

Most importantly, they are the truth.)

Life is short, unpredictable and there are truly few opportunities to say what you mean and mean what you say.  I’ll keep this as brief and concise as possible, but this is what I wanted you to know.  No agendas, motives, games, strings, expectations, regrets.

For better or worse, I decided to view life as a journey.  So I took one – geographically, professionally, spiritually.  What drove me were the pursuit of adventure, knowledge, legitimacy, meaning, impact, beauty, hope.  Also to some extent – the search for love, understanding, and strangely, home and belonging.  Maybe some of these were incompatible, at odds with each other.  The journey was amazing, difficult, memorable, painful, beautiful.  I had to carry a lot – weights of my own as well as others, and it made me somewhat strong, but I’m human and humans break at some point.  Still, what a journey.  I wouldn’t have it any other way.

There was always so much more to me than what people saw and thought.  Most of what I did, observed, and thought were hidden, in secret.  Few bothered to inquire, much less listen or understand.  But there was a soundtrack to my life and it was wide-ranging and eclectic – I would even say powerful.

Along the way, I had what I call nudges from God.  They aren’t frequent, but they are consistent.  They often involved some significant life decision – where to go for college, what to major in, to go to law school, become a DA, pursue the PhD, the NYPD, go to specific locations (Indiana, Minnesota, Boston, Vienna, NYC), even get married (maybe the scariest).  ALL did not appear to make much sense initially and on the surface, but ended up being where I needed to be for more reasons than one.  Most of them were unexpected, out of left field.  For many of them, the true effects and benefits weren’t evident until later, in some cases, years and even decades.  Not only did I enter each with great doubt and even fear, but also experienced those feelings while living them out.  Ultimately, these nudges are primarily about God’s goodness and presence, even and especially in uncertain times.

I believe you are one of those nudges – to what purpose and extent, I don’t exactly know.  I felt it from God and you follow the pattern.  You might be the most left field of all.  In the past, I know I upset you at times.  And vice versa.  But memories flood back and they are, on the most part, good and now make more sense.  My favorite memory is when we drove up to Long Island with the drama team, you were such a good tailgater.  For what it’s worth and what it actually means, you feel like home.  Again, this is just to let you know.  I am not asking for anything.

Most of my life had to be run on leaps of faith.  The cards I were dealt didn’t give me much of a choice if I wanted a life worth living – difficult family, immigration, racism, lack of one great talent, etc.  Although I had many fears and doubts, I always looked and turned back to God for guidance and support.  I pretty much just asked Him what to do, tried to follow as best as I could, surrender.  As I try to do now, just like before.  I don’t know where this journey takes me next and I’m not sure what I should allow to drive it.  But I trust even when doubting that it will all be ok.

I also had to use my intuition a lot, professionally and personally.  It has always been one of my greatest strengths and it has never been stronger.  I can be inelegant and clumsy, but I’m not wrong often.  With you, again, the pattern.

I also wanted to tell you this.  I was quite good at protecting others – two of the largest cities in the US, students, friends, family, but ironically, not myself.  I also feel that your eyes became softer (this is a law enforcement concept, the ability to see more deeply and clearly).  Many things you’ve said in the times we’ve met up reflect this truth.

So here it is.  I just wanted you to know.  Come what may.