(I am not really sure how to edit these so it’s a bit by touch and feel. Forgiveness for any clumsiness. These are the earlier ones and they, at least in my humble opinion, become more focused and elegant as time went by, especially after my lengthy hospitalization and near catastrophic results. The later ones were fueled by something else. As I wrote, I realized the sum of them all is a book. I’m no saint, but I have remarked to some close confidants was that half of the New Testament were letters by Paul. His enemies could imprison and even execute him, but they did not and could not stop his pen. But I mean, how hard would it have been to withhold paper and writing implements? The Romans weren’t as smart as they looked I suppose.

It also occurred to me that the profile picture I chose for this site is the Cathedral of St. Paul, located in St. Paul, Minnesota. I have lived in and visited many places, and I could have picked several edifices as the picture but intuitively felt the Cathedral was the most appropriate one for many reasons. While I was born somewhere on the far side of the world, I often say that I was born in St. Paul – the place that played a significant part in my professional and personal journey. A Philadelphia Assistant DA and NYPD till the day I die but this was my Crime Alley and the origin of my candles.

As in the other writings, these were done in faith.

Who knows whether they will resonate with anyone, especially my kids? I hope they do but I’m not in control of that.

At the end of the day, at least I know what I was about. Cold comfort at times but worse if it had been otherwise.

At the risk of being repetitive, I wrote them in faith and also sent them in faith.

And now, I share them in faith.

Come what may.)

Thank you for your thoughtful and compassionate response.  I am grateful because now I feel I can actually explain and tell you more precisely what I wanted to communicate in the times we met up and over texts, which I’m still not comfortable using.

First. I try not to let my past life experiences define me too much.  I try to recall and process them to perform the various tasks I was given – professionally and personally.  I try to use them as resources to draw on.  I know what some people think – that I’m dwelling on the past and there may be some truth to that, but I genuinely just try to use them as lessons for myself and others.  Pain is pain, but I don’t want to let it go to waste.  I told you for context.  I really wanted you to know what has happened –  good and bad.  I genuinely wanted to tell you things.  I may be all over the place at times, but I’m sincere.  I actually haven’t told many the full stories.  With you, it was really you.  No more than a handful at this point know too much.  I sent you my writing because I trusted you, I’ve only sent them to my mentors, teachers, and very close friends.  Not even my immediate family has them.

I feel badly for how we interacted in the past.  I have thought about that for decades.  I am sorry.   I know my weaknesses.  My brain runs on high speeds on multiple tracks for a good portion of the time and I can often say or write a ton.  I used this to my advantage at work when I had to tackle complex issues.  What happened in NYC and other places were really difficult positions and training.  I wish it wasn’t this way at all.  I wanted to tell you all this.  I wanted to tell you about growing up, being scared, etc.  I wanted you to know that I am very strong and weak at the same time, brave and fearful.  

The NYC jobs though weren’t just toxic, but bullying situations.  No level of therapy would have saved me from them.  No level of being calm would have prevented those outcomes.  I have replayed them so many times and it’s one of those situations where it’s just fate or destiny.  I’ve been in this law enforcement- criminal justice – political, power field for close to two decades and it is really one of a kind. I wanted to tell you, because I’m finally ready to.

I wanted to tell you about the sequence of events at work and home because they were so extraordinary and improbable.  I felt comfortable with you and I wanted to open up fully.  Many people made assumptions without really asking or checking in.

I also wanted to tell you about high school, college, church as well.  Things I held back because I wasn’t ready to say much.

What I feel for you isn’t just interest.  It is something deeper and larger.  You’re not someone I met off a dating site or through someone.    I didn’t want to tell you any further because I didn’t want you angry.  I’ve really been around in terms of meeting and knowing people, from all walks of life, social strata, etc.  And no, it wasn’t loneliness.  I do experience that, but I’m extremely careful who I have feelings for.  From the time I entered college to the time I got married, there were basically only three girls that I had serious feelings for.  I went on dates and such, but when I didn’t feel it, I just let go.   I have other female friends and if I really wanted someone, I could do the dating app thing (never done it) and ask to be set up (as some have volunteered).  

So, it’s you.  Straight out of left field (which was actually the position I played the most).  I know when I feel it.  I am glad I could I tell you.  I like being with you.  To be honest, in the past, there were times I didn’t even like you as a friend.  Sometimes what you said to me hurt me deeply.

But people change.  You did.  I did too.  When I said you feel like home, I was referencing a good one, not the one I grew up in.  And more than that, a home that I have been searching for, for a very long time.  You do feel like home and I stick by that.  I care.  And I often am awful at showing this, but I do.  For the record, I’ve only ever told one other person that she was beautiful in this context.  I meant that.  One hundred percent all the way to the end.  

In terms of romance relationships, I think I also told you not really expecting you to reciprocate.  I knew that I had to. I thought of this very carefully before saying anything.  It is you.  This is why that nudge matters.  I’m going to leave that one open for interpretation because I don’t presume to speak precisely for God.  When I told you that I wanted us to know each other better, it was more literal.  I really don’t know that much about you and vice versa.  I actually wrote a poem for you,  it wasn’t romantic.  I thought you had traveled a lot and was really excited to hear about them.  But it was more than that, I wanted to hear about your life and I wanted to tell you about mine.

Many things are true at the same time.  Joy

Every day, I want to pick up the phone and call you to talk but I don’t for many reasons.  I tend to mirror the personality I am with.  When someone is quiet. I am quiet.  When someone is like you (and you got better at talking, to me at least), I will talk.  When you visited us in Boston, you didn’t say much.  You’ve cried in front of me a few times and I think it’s my turn.