Many years ago, I made a cassette tape of me singing songs I wrote.  I’m not a great singer and I didn’t think my songs were either.   But you said you couldn’t stop listening.  To this day, you’re only one of two people who have listened to that tape, the other is my daughter’s godfather.  That tape is lost.  You saw a very hidden part of my soul.

I have this very hard side that I needed to develop to survive.  I then added armor on top of that.  Deep down, I’m really sensitive and I had to hide this for a long time.  The experiences I was placed in required that.  I was trying to tell you that.  I only figured out how to explain this recently.  I didn’t cry very much for years because I had to put on that shell.  I do it now, not all are tears of sadness – they include joy, relief, gratitude.

A lot is happening at once.  Healing, acceptance, parenting, looking for light, maintaining hope, etc.  The best advice I’ve received is to just do it day to day.  I used to plan in decades, then years, months, weeks.  

I also wasn’t expecting you to do much about pain either, at least directly.  With you, it was about joy and light.  I liked hearing you talk about late night TV, Harry Potter, watching you teach, how much you love your dogs.  I’ll have to live with my pain for a while, it will probably subside and it has in some ways, but it’s about finding joy and light to balance it out.  The interesting thing about pain is that with healing, I can feel more in some ways.  In fact, with you, I really didn’t have much of a desire to tell you much about the difficulties.  I told you out of full disclosure and for context.  You made it hurt less.  I tried to keep you and the pain separate.

As I might have mentioned, I didn’t go to court a lot.  I could do it ok, but my strength was looking at large scale, long term cases and figuring things out.  I do a lot better when I have time to think.  One of the things I feared most about talking to people was being quickly evaluated and judged.  There is a lot to this story that is so unique, including and especially what —— told you.  I smiled and laughed a lot at my jobs and other places.  Might be strange to hear, but that was probably a hidden side as well.  Also the pets.  My life was focused on work, school, and family.  I couldn’t wait to leave to see my kids and pets.  The NYPD was like a family to me, I put my heart and soul into that and it just changed so quickly.  And also my real family.

I know we are likely communicating on different wavelengths and I was trying to bridge that divide.  Some of the situations I’ve experienced, one kinda has to be there to get it.  Some of the stuff I’ve mentioned, like my cases, which often involved not great situations, I’ve processed a long time ago and made peace with it.  I don’t really expect people to understand fully, but it’s nice to tell someone.  A good friend of mine is a former undercover officer and we both had similar upbringing and professional experiences.  We agree that the point is not to be understood, but rather it is to be listened to.

All these places had both difficulty and joy.  I wanted to tell you that latter part as well.  How I loved being a dad, a teacher, DA, NYPD, seeing beauty.  It wasn’t only pain I experienced, but many great days as well.  Everywhere I went had a vibe.  Because I process and sense deeply, many of these places soaked into my bones.

When I said I had to carry the weights of others, I was referring to people telling me their own secrets, stuff I’ve carried for a long time.  At work, I was pretty much doing everyone’s job because of my skill set.  You may think I’m loud, but I really did things quietly and secretly.

I tried to do the opposite of the negative behavior that I saw and experienced.  I made it a point to be loving and supportive to my kids.   No spanking, lots of positive words, I went to every one of my daughter’a performances, never picked her up late.  I snuck into my son’s daycare to watch him sleep.  I also was popular with my students not because I was brilliant or whatever, I was nice and kind to them.  I tried to watch out for my brothers and sisters at the NYPD.

Those nudges, I wanted to explain every single one of them and now cool they turned out to be.  I’ll briefly mention studying biology in college.  There really wasn’t a great reason to do this on the surface.  Unlike you, I struggle with math and spatial recognition, so physics, organic chem, etc were an ordeal.  I should have studied political science, history, government instead.   But that biology degree helps me get into law school because it set me apart.  When I went to Minnesota, the unit that took me in (the only one out of fifteen interns) said they chose me because I could understand DNA evidence.  That experience eventually landed me the full time position in Philadelphia where I ended up teaching DNA as a first year, and ended up getting noticed by the elected DA who is a mentor to this day.  That science background would come into play decades later in NYC where I had to deal with organizational processes and systems.   Biology is the study of both and it is complex.  It was relatively easy for me to figure out my  professional work because of that background.

I wanted to talk about the past in a new light, tell you all the hidden stuff.  I don’t think I’ve ever lied to you, but I’ve also not told you the whole truth

———-, who is like a mom to me, said that my experiences were like a soldier coming home from war and would not be understood.  I would never ever compare myself to someone in the military, but what she says has truth.  What I experienced is sometimes hard for people to understand and also for me to communicate.  Writing them down has somewhat allowed me to tell them better.  I’ve not told many people for this reason, that it’s not easy to comprehend.   But you were worth it.  So now you know quite a bit, including some details I’ve not told anyone.  Totally unexpected.

I’ll close with God.  Everyday, I surrender the kids, future, present, past, pain, things I have no control over.  And you now.  A good friend who was a nun told me that God raised me.  She is correct.