I am writing on the train to NYC.

My recent life was almost exclusively work and family.  Even my hobby was reading books to help me at my job.  Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t really into my career but I loved learning and practicing strategy.  That was a result of having very mixed cards most of my life.

I don’t know why exactly everything turns out the way it does, but it is for a reason.  I can see how many events prepared me.  Some pleasant and others not so much.

In March, I met a girl at a bubble tea shop, a high school senior.  She worked there and looked black but spoke perfect Chinese.  It turns up she is half Chinese.  She was born in the US but raised in China.  She told me about the pressure to fit in.  How she felt the need to be thin, lighten her skin, and straighten her hair.  We have been conversing since then about belonging, the importance of being oneself, pursuing dreams.  She is probably the most worthy student I’ve ever mentored.  I know how she feels because I had a similar path although I feel she is considerably braver than I am.  We have a lot in common and I could pass lessons I’ve learned from my upbringing and challenges I faced as an outsider in many places I’ve been in.

Last Thanksgiving, I sat down with the family of a close high school friend and told them my story.  And then over the winter break.  It took me 8 hours.  This is the first year I’ve ever told details of what I kept secret for so long.  The truth is that many people, including family just never bothered to find out what I actually experienced, did, or thought.  Including Yinan.

I just kept quiet a lot – about good and bad.  Did you know I was such a good shooter that I made around 15 long range shots in a row?   And I was also the designated shooter on a trip to an amusement park to win prizes at its basketball game.  I never did it at the fair because those games are rigged, the hoops are oval versus round.  And because of many factors, when a school shooting happens, it doesn’t affect me much.  I’ve rarely told anyone about the specific details of my work but I saw kids getting hurt in unimaginable ways.  But those weren’t a match for the pure selfishness and recklessness I saw in NYC.  

Yet I really don’t want to focus on those things anymore.  I realized I could be so angry at all the nonsense that has happened or be thankful that I survived and even benefited from those.  I did not fit in really anywhere which allowed me to fit in everywhere.  

As I mentioned, the pain was the price – of learning, acceptance; meaning, love.  I think that’s how it works.  We risk being hurt badly when we open ourselves up to others or opportunities.  I was so proud of many things – first and foremost my family, then surprisingly teaching, followed by the law enforcement positions.  I list rarely bending my knee as the fourth but I’m starting to think that’s right below the kids.  

For all the miserable things I saw or experienced, there was beauty.  Boston, London, Vienna, Prague, Munich.  And those are just the physical places.  I met so many amazing people that when I really think about it, make of the not so great ones much more tolerable.

These past few years have been difficult.  But without them I wouldn’t have had the insight to help several of my friends going through tough times.  I think that’s more than just a silver lining.  I think that is the grace and hope underlying even our darkest moments.  Don’t get me wrong, many times it doesn’t feel that any of this is worth it.  I saw peers – friends and not friends have seemingly easier and better paths and it doesn’t feel good.

But there are other moments of clarity that remind me that life is messy and difficult paths lead to better views.  Ultimately, I did pick up a lot to pass on – to others but most importantly, the kids.

My hard side and armor were real but they were so costly to use and wear.  Secretly or not so much, I was an odd duck who never made full peace with that fact.  But an odd duck who still wanted to fly a bit.  Just a little.  Good enough.

I got placed in a box a lot.  I suppose that was my fault at times.  When I was younger, I could feel or sense things before I could actually verbalize what I was seeing or feeling.  

When I was sitting in the hospital with multiple IVs running through my veins, hooked up to oxygen, strapped to a heart monitor, catheter, several organs not functioning properly, pain meds, etc, it gave me much to reflect on and it made me realize how powerless humans are.  I was also cracking jokes and encouraging staff because we Malaysians are hard to beat or kill.  

The way I did things was with my heart.  I wasn’t that academically, athletically, musically gifted but I could hold my own in all these areas.  I put in so much time and work and got somewhat competent in all these areas but what set me apart was my heart.  I put all of it into whatever I did.  It is not my mind that is an issue, it’s my heart that’s broken.  

I’ve also had decent to good intuition and instincts.  It will sound strange, but many times I could feel where balls would end up during games, I didn’t even have to see them to catch or save.  I wasn’t the smartest lawyer out there, but I was among the quickest to figure out how a case should be handled.  I could tell why and how a suspect committed a crime, sometimes better than more seasoned  colleagues.  In NYC, even people who didn’t like me said I was multiple steps ahead.  One of the projects I worked on involving large scale sex crimes investigations, I predicted huge trouble and it got ignored and downplayed.  That issue is now the basis of a major federal investigation.

That instinct and intuition is what made me realize I was doomed in my job and marriage way before it happened, roughly a year in advance. This ability is a double edged sword and is a combination of sharp and soft eyes.  I had both.  Daughter has my sharp eyes, Son my soft ones.

There were rarely smooth sailing patches in the journey.  I would say the early years in Boston were the best and closest.  I have to get better at making this connection clearer, but it’s the difficult and painful experiences that gave me my best abilities and skills.  They enabled me to do some very unique things.

Recently, I had a 4 hour conversation with my closest high school friend who now lives in Germany.  It felt like an hour.  Like me, he didn’t have the most ideal upbringing.  We both decided to take a road less traveled.  He has worked and lived in Europe and Africa.  And you know a bit of what I’ve done.  We talked about our journeys and how difficult, tiring yet memorable they are.  I said mine was killing me and he replied that if I hadn’t taken it and remained in Maryland, that would have been the real killer.

I did so much of this journey alone.  It wasn’t the physical loneliness as much as it was the emotional one.  Law school onward, I was either the only Asian or one of a handful in the institutions I was part of.  I almost certainly would have been the first Asian prosecutor in the history of St. Paul, MN and while I need to confirm this, I’m also pretty sure I was the first Asian civilian attorney ever in the NYPD’s Legal Bureau.  

I really didn’t mind all of those that much.  I could hold my own although there were accompanying challenges.  Courtship was long-distance the whole time and my future in laws and step in-laws were profoundly difficult.  By the time I got to the wedding, I was barely standing and feeling anything.  There were few to no useful resources to go to.  This is actually when I developed a stomach ulcer from all the stress.

Long story short, I think that God allowed or ordained those things for a purpose.  It really wasn’t fun at all, but I guess it did teach me to trust and think better.

People also often don’t get this about me.  That it’s not what I say rather what I’m not saying.  I had to hold back a lot and sometimes it wasn’t to my benefit.  

Home is a mixed concept for me.  Mine was a bit all over the place because of many factors.  I also knew that where I would travel to would also be my home.  But I do long for it now.  A place of safety and belonging.  I’m truly proud of what I’ve done and accomplished.  Despite my weaknesses, mistakes, I really did try to do good and fight evil in many forms.

I’ll close again with God.  I’m neither too open nor closed about my faith.  I’m not the type to wear it so openly but I’m not shy about it either.   Major doubts. At the fair, most of the time I couldn’t fathom how and why I was actually leading those tents.   But I suppose that is grace and faith at work.  Imperfect.