I am writing from a combination of Minnesota and Kansas.  On the way to the Pearl Jam concert, my Lyft driver, a refugee from Liberia, and I had a conversation about the loneliness in American society and how different it is in our birth countries.  My immediate family was already difficult and unstable in Malaysia, but it was better because of the presence of extended family and community.  There, you can just drop by the homes of friends unannounced.  Immigration wipes all those ties out and building new ones isn’t an easy task.  I have an aunt back there who helped raise me.  She used to hide the cane when my mother would look for it to beat me in her fits of rage. Sometimes, God provides in mysterious ways.  She’s the only one with whom I use my original accent and other words I grew up with – in some ways my most authentic voice.

I arrived in the US when I was 12.  My older friends get this fact – one of the most difficult ages to have to adjust and adapt.  It shaped me profoundly.  I make the kids memorize 6 phrases.   And all of them in some part are heavily influenced by this formative period.  As to being alone or loneliness, I’m somewhat used to it as I’ve been left alone since I was 6.  I learned to face my fears early and to be honest, I’m really not sure I ever figured that one out all that well.  Reflecting now, I realize that is maybe the worst part of the journey.  

1. Strong Brave Kind

2. Quicker Tougher Smarter

3. Observe Orient Decide Act

4. Better to die on your feet than to live on your knees

5. Trust God

6. Better to be a warrior in a garden than a gardener in a war

I tried to live up to all those and hope they will do a better job than I did.

When I wrote my dissertation, I dedicated it to my family, the cats (but not the turtle), and God – whom I described as the Master Strategist and Tactician.  Strategy, among many qualities, is in huge part about creating a better position from weaker components.  I had to do this so much – so many cracked and broken pieces – but God is truly the Master.  To be able to piece together all the parts- not just as new but something better.

I wanted to tell you this as well – not only do I think carefully about what to write you but I also ask God about it.  

I thought I wanted so badly to serve this country on a larger scale but in some ways, that would not have rung true in my heart.  I will never kneel during the anthem but I do not feel strongly about standing either.  My contribution to this country’s well-being came through individual cases but also on a much larger scale in NYC where I hid the NYPDs most sensitive information from unsavory prying eyes – something I will be proud of till the day I die.

Recently, the thought that came to my mind is that everything eventually falls into place in a magical and mysterious way – really the power and grace of God.  When I look back, there were definitely gifts in the forms of people, events, and other factors that can only be described as the hand of God or His intervention.

Pearl Jam also did a tribute to a kid who died of a congenital disease with Tom Petty’s I Won’t Back Down which was also moved the crowd to sing along.  On that note, a friend who just got out of the hospital asked me whether I would have done anything differently in my life.  I replied I don’t think so.  Life is such a mixture of good and bad that if you change one thing, you change the rest.  You take it all or you take none at all.  I think that’s how it works.  It doesn’t mean I have no regrets but it’s hard to see how any of the big events would have changed all that much.  Whatever one believes, there is probably some measure of fate and destiny woven into our lives.  Everything that happens was supposed to.  When I think of the places and positions I’ve been in, it really feels like they were a combination of predestination and choice.  How it exactly works is a mystery and I don’t really think humans are supposed to fully understand the exact mechanism behind it.

But this is what I also know, I don’t want to go back to the person I was before all of this happened.  There were many lessons I’ve learned and that’s part of life.   It wasn’t so much about being a better person but rather just changing and evolving.  Tonight, I thought of how life works out.  We can think many times it’s A then B then C.  It’s got to be more complex than that.  In the book of Job, God shows up after allowing Job to suffer to satisfy a wager He makes with Satan.  In what can only be described as probably the most poetic section in the Bible, God explains how powerful and creative He is, describing the complexity of His universe.  Job is humbled and realizes that God can be trusted because not only is He powerful but also loving.  God wins the wager and both Him and Job vindicate each other.

And I still hate waking up alone in the mornings.  45 years on this planet and I still feel the same way I did as a child when I would feel the fear and loneliness.  U2 has a song – Sometimes You Can’t Make It On Your Own – which has a line that goes “A house doesn’t make a home.  Don’t leave me here alone.”   Bono’s mom died at her father’s funeral and his dad had no idea how to raise him.

I told my friends in Kansas that there really was a time for me to put down roots.  Either the jobs didn’t fit long term or the housing market was too difficult to break through.  I think that this was all just destiny or fate.  This was all meant to be.  What I gave up in salary, security, and stability was likely made up in experience and knowledge.  I’m not really sure how worth it that all was but what would have been the alternative?  As much as I love Costco, I did not see making weekend trips there to be the highlight of my life.

What I also really want to write you about though, is the following:

– the nudge and more importantly, the God behind it

– the hospital and how I thought about you

– what the daughter’s godfather said

– how I (insert word) you in faith 

– Journey’s Faithhfully

I’m not sure whether I will ever get to those but I hope so.