Every morning, I wake up and remember what has happened on this journey. I don’t do it to relive the trauma or even good memories but rather to remind myself there is a thread running through all of it. To remind myself there is some sort of plan and master design. 

My first job out of college was at a biotech company. I worked the second shift from 2 to 1030 pm. The work was menial and repetitive. My boss was not good. She lied and manipulated. She didn’t even know how her own lab functioned. One day, the FDA conducted an audit, observing how we performed. She was supposed to lead us but ended up messing up one of the procedures. Embarrassed, she blames us all. 

I cut my thumb really badly during that job. I bled all over the floor and they took me to the ER at Shady Grove Hospital where I waited for hours in vain for someone to see me. I just went back to work and I still have a scar till this day. That job was miserable for many reasons. I would leave work drenched in chemicals and organic material. Working that shift threw off my sleeping schedule. I knew though that it wasn’t a permanent job because I was accepted to Maryland’s one year program to become a teacher, biology presumably. I dropped out after 3 days. It didn’t feel right. And that set me on a course I couldn’t have imagined going on. 

 I am tired. 

I would be lying if I told you I enjoyed every bit of this path, It was damn painful so many times. And I’ve already mentioned the loneliness. So crushing. So haunting. I did all of it with limited to no support while facing opposition and doubts. I could point to my resilience and strength but that would be also a lie. I think God watched over me even though many times it didn’t feel like it. All the incredibly high places, all the low ones. He was there. 

I often ask, who answers? Who intervenes? I think He did, sometimes in obvious ways, others more subtly. There was grace, mercy, and justice in the short and long term. I was a very shy and scared child. I cried before going to kindergarten. I prayed and prayed as a kid that I wouldn’t be weak and afraid, that I’d learn to be strong and brave. I’m not sure how much I really learned. 45 and I still feel like I did as a 3 year old.  

Maybe faith is really a gift and maybe it’s a double edged sword. I would have had less pain but maybe not as well. Love is not an easy thing. The only baggage that we can bring is all that we can’t leave behind. I took my basketball, Bible, and guitar. I no longer have any of them with me. They have been replaced by other things – not so tangible ones.

I remember your middle name, unbelievably. It is similar to a colleague’s I met in Austria. I don’t know why I even mentioned that other than the fact I feel we are all mish-mashes of our pasts and all we are. The hard part is to find where our mish-mashes fit in – whether it’s a place, profession, or person.

I once decided to look and find. This time, I’m listening and waiting to receive.