When I first arrived in Maryland 33 years ago in 1990, people would make the 4 to 5 hour drive to New York City to eat Chinese food as what was available here was extremely limited. Nowadays, the Chinese food here is not only comparable, but in some ways, better. I told you before that I wanted to leave Maryland. I think it had something to do with dreaming and seeing new things. Also a bigger vision. No regrets on that end. 

Life is not easy for all of us. But in sone and many ways, I knew that staying here would be limiting. What I actually accomplished won’t really show up on my resume. I told my daughter that much of me was hidden, under the surface. She goes – Dad, you write poetry? You play sports? I don’t think it’s because I was afraid of showing it rather than it being a matter of timing and opportunity. 

I think this is all about destiny. I’m not sure how much that concept overlaps with fate. On one side of the scale is destiny, on the other, it is everything else in its way. I think the largest and worst of those is fear. People either propel you to destiny or get in the way. But maybe, all lead you to it. 

Few had very little idea how to stand by me and help me to find, if not my destiny, at least the path, calling, purpose, or whatever I had to do. Most never really asked that important question – “What is really happening?” 

So I may have lied. A little bit. I think it is still about being understood, at least to some extent. With some people, I can talk until I’m blue in the face, and they wouldn’t get it. I sometimes joke that I wish I had a video recording of all the crazy experiences and environments I’ve been exposed to. And it still wouldn’t be enough as emotions, motives, intent, are often hidden. 

I could always sense more than I could immediately describe. In law enforcement, one has to be able to articulate the reasons for a stop or arrest. On many occasions, it is difficult to do so in the face of intuition, experience, and instinct. I could tell with you immediately how I would feel. And that you had grown and changed. 

Life is so messy. It’s not even about the fairytale, script, plan. Many times, it just happens. A death without warning. A dangerous idea that almost makes sense. Most of my major milestones and life events were unplanned and unexpected. Like the kids. 

I wonder what has changed me the most. Was it my jobs, travel, friends, enemies, experiences, books? Maybe all the above, but it has to be pain, suffering, and wrestling with all that comes with those. I often say that what I’m proudest of was birthed in pain – my jumpshot, guitar playing, problem solving, the kids, even writing. While I truly despise pain, it is a most powerful and effective teacher. 

My friend who was a public defender said she couldn’t sleep for years after her casework. I was different. Malaysians can sleep anywhere and anytime. My reaction was not to cry. I joke somewhat that there are no tears allowed in these professions. I now see my daughter building her own armor that I built for myself. I no longer want to wear it. She will for a while as she is a lot like me. A pure defender in all forms of the word. She lives up to her name. 

The boy is different. He has my soft side. He writes and illustrated books. He has created a “Dumb Series” – about a dumb cat, penguin, fox, etc. He also is writing “The Dad Who Curses a Lot”. He is funny. He’s also a lot like me. His temper I think is also mine. The girl cries like me, from the gut. 

They are worth all the pain. The rest I’m not so sure.