I was going to write you about how life is complex, including and especially our hearts. The heart is probably the most unknowable of all, to others and even ourselves. Mine was probably on the more complex side. I think it was a combination of who I was born to be as well as the circumstances I was placed in. But I want to write you about God. 

I did a lot of good in this life but I also made mistakes. My heart has its own darkness. I fought it. Sometimes I won, at others I didn’t. God watched over all and somehow made a path. He accounted for who I was, what I faced, needed, and wanted. I meant what I said about wanting to tell you about everything. For some reason, I feel God leading me that way. I do have many close friends and professionally and personally, some will understand some parts better than you will. But it’s you I want to know. It’s probably God as well as intuition. 

I talk to Him about several issues. The main ones, as I have mentioned, are the kids, finding the next position that makes sense, possibl getting more exposure for my writing, and you. What I hear back mainly is “Trust Me. I will take care of everything.”  

When I was at RM, I had only been in this country for 2 years. Although I spoke English in Malaysia, the adjustment was difficult. The social structure and environment were so different. I had to do it with an unstable family that sometimes veered into worse. When I met you, I was a senior and you were a sophomore. I was more comfortable then, but not really. I did not know what the future would hold and there was so much uncertainty. Who could I really rely on? It wasn’t family, friends, teachers, supervisors. In so many ways, they could not really understand what I experienced, felt, faced, struggled with. I suspect this is true of most, if not all, of us. The heart is so complex and difficult at times. This pattern would hold through really the rest of the time. The odd duck who never could fit in. 

But I think God understood. In the middle of the night, I often wake up with worry, sadness, and doubt. He comes to comfort me. The feeling is one of peace and hope. I go back to sleep. And this is true when I ask Him about you. “Trust Me.” 

I also think we are simple. At heart, we just want to be loved. Known and loved. I want to tell someone all that I was and still am – all of it, the good, the bad, the hidden, and hear those precious words back. You know what they are. This doesn’t take away from the journey I had. I learned so much. Sometimes I forget. 

When my daughter was still crawling, we went to the Children’s Museum in Boston. We dropped a phone there. We texted it in the hope that someone found it. Someone did. They said they would return it to us at the Museum the next day. When we went to pick it up, they said their grandmother got sick and they couldn’t make it to the appointment. When we followed up, we got the runaround. We brought the phone to a police station and showed the officer on duty the text messages. She said that they were honest and would give it back. But I kinda knew that wasn’t the case. We never got it back. They were messing with us. I tell this story because things aren’t always what they seem to be – it was so true of my life. Just recently, I told some for the first time that I once pulled a guy from a car wreck as an EMT. I would sleep at the fire station overnight and roll into work the next day. I rode the ambulance and fire engine. Learned to rappel (poorly) and to use the Jaws of Life, the tool used to access vehicles. 

At the risk of repetition, this wss primarily about being known and loved. I wasn’t on the most part. People said they loved me, but they didn’t know me. And many times, it was just words. Love for me was loyalty, unconditional acceptance, standing by me through everything.

The question I think God asks is “Can you trust Me with everything, including the pain?” Everything and everyone is so cracked, so broken. If it’s one thing I’ve leaned in this life is that everyone will fail you, fall short.  

A close friend, who was a former undercover officer, had an abusive mother (like mine at times). His uncle and aunt wanted to adopt him to rescue him but they didn’t. He confronted them and cursed his uncle out, who just hung his head in shame. I also confronted my uncle and aunt recently and asked why they didn’t intervene. I got some excuses. 

I’ve said this often. This society is overly therapized. I do not look down on it but it has significant limitations. What we needed were people to protect and love us. I needed to be rescued from these incredibly chaotic situations. The salt in the wound is when people throw our advice that is untimely or doesn’t fit. Especially without listening to the true and whole story. I really don’t like it when people overly simplify or downplay what I’m saying. They often want Cliff Notes summaries but that’s now how it works. Some of our stories are intricate and complex.

People ask me what’s next. I honestly don’t know other than to trust God and listen. I’ve had some major training and other experiences, we will see what God does with all of it. You are somehow part of it. This is one of the rare times I can’t see beyond the next day. If I look at anything but God, I despair.

What’s probably really happening is that God is still getting me ready to lead. That’s what all the loneliness and isolation is for. That’s the classic method. To learn to overcome doubt in Him and self.