While there are many people who did not know how to love me in the way I needed, there were those who did. And I am grateful for that. They came from unexpected sources. I needed people to point out the good about me. That obviously didn’t come much from family and church. But it did come from others. And that is enough. I could again yearn for things I didn’t receive or he thankful for those I did, and may receive in the future. 

So it’s true that I had a lot of cracked pieces. Some were horrendously cracked and there’s really no defense for all that. But I’m also realizing that without the cracks, we don’t reach our path or destiny or plan or whatever you want to call it. I complain how I didn’t have many smooth patches. It is true. But I also understand now that if I had received what I “wanted” I also wouldn’t have gotten the journey. If my family were any better or stable, I probably never leave Maryland. Nothing wrong with staying. But it would have been different. 

I did meet some pretty questionable people. And yes they are hurtful. But again, without them, I wouldn’t have moved on to the next stop. It also occurred to me that sometimes what we think of as desirable really isn’t. I have family that have lived pretty sheltered lives. Lots of wealth and comfort. On the surface, it looks great but you never know. But even if things were utterly good, I’m not sure that’s a great outcome either. A life in a bubble is safe and comfortable but at the end, there are drawbacks. There are potential regrets about not experiencing more. 

I’ve gotten a wide range of responses. Most people are well meaning but at some point, people can only give you what they can give. I could get angry or be thankful. Also I realize I need to be compassionate. Everyone is hurting in their own way and copes with it differently. I received the journey that was right for me. And although I had crappy cards, I also had amazing ones. Somehow they all work together. If I had mostly amazing cards, I’d have been more comfortable but would have experienced and learned less. If I had the opposite, that would have been bad too. 

One of the recurring themes in the Bible is how God transforms what was meant for evil into good. This is the miracle. My parents were extremely unstable. The silver lining of all that is it taught me to handle a ton. They were horrible with money. They did everything in the cheapest way possible to the point of hurting me at times. That taught me to go with less and do more with what I have. Which I had to do in my jobs. Also this – hurt people hurt people. It is true of all of us. 

I understand a lot. That was my gift. But I don’t understand it all. And that’s a good thing. Healing is a goal but it is not the main one. That it is still about the destiny God has for us. I don’t know how all that works exactly but I don’t have to. Another good thing.