I wrote about this in other places with more detail so I won’t repeat for various reasons. But what I hid at the NYPD would have hurt the overall safety of the city and cost lives, both of the officers and the general public. My daughter’s godfather and several of my police colleagues pointed this out last year. I will be proud of this forever. 

I was married for 15 years and was really not listened to or understood. Accepted maybe but known? Not so much. Loved? I’m not sure. An advisor said recently what I’ve been telling others for a long time – no one has really sat down with me to figure it out. Many want one-and-done conversations and brief explanations for what I’ve experienced and faced. I’m learning to make peace with that. Mainly have been ignored, minimized, downplayed. 

Hidden. 

Some knew the what but not the why. They knew what I did but not the reasons behind it. Many times they were deep and well thought out. 

But God knows and understands. In some ways, He has honored me by allowing me to handle difficult scenarios and situations. The beauty and power of God is that He can actually do something. Friends and others can listen and do a bit, sometimes unwillingly, but God is sovereign and unlimited. 

I’ve usually not cursed in front of you but I’m really good at it. I can do it in multiple languages. My primary native Chinese dialect, Hokkien, is noted for its profanity and vulgarity. It’s so infamous there’s a Wikipedia entry on it. I’m embarrassed to read some of the phrases because they are truly out of this world. But this was also part of me. I blame this on my mother’s side. They are gangsters but I got my fierceness and fire from them, as well as whatever athletic ability I possess. When I swear, it sounds authentic for what that’s worth. Although I was a civilian, many thought I was an officer. In some ways, I was more hardened than some because of my prior experience.

My undercover officer friend once arrested a predator at a childcare center. When he was cuffed, the predator smirked and told my friend that no one ever suspected him. My friend was justifiably angry. I told him, though, that although he couldn’t protect or save the kids that were previously hurt, he did so for all the ones to come. And this is often not really considered in our work, or really many other professions. We don’t think of the long term effects, mainly the short term ones, and sometimes we don’t even do that.

I have this wooden apple carving signed by several of the students from church. It’s inscribed with the words – “To teach is to touch a life forever.” I saved pretty much all my students’ comments and messages from all my years teaching. I’ve never done it full time like you but have been in doing it in various capacities since I was 19. 

What’s this all about? I think this is about impact and consequences. I treasure this line from the movie Gladiator – “What we do in life echoes in eternity.” It is true of all of us – whether it is good, bad, all the in-betweens, and the non-existent. 

I obviously think of you a lot. And you know, sometimes I hear God say that we both have something the other needs. On the surface, it doesn’t make a lot of apparent sense but if one looks deeper, it works – in the short and long run. 

In any case, I long and want to tell you the stories, the story.   

It was f—–g amazing on many levels.