It’s ok.

I learned to say this a lot in the years after I left Maryland. After I was exposed to the evils, lying, and corruption out there, I got so used to it that I resigned myself many times to just watching it unfold. Don’t get me wrong, when I could do something, I did. And was often punished for it. I could question God and I did, but it got more half-hearted over time. I didn’t really care all that much after a while. The reality is it is everywhere. I grew up with it in Malaysia and it was in this area as well. 

But I think He still cared. I also think He answers. Sometimes, it’s with words. At other times, in other ways. Food, a friend, an unexpected gift, etc. And for me, many, many times, it was a place. Indiana, Minnesota, Philadelphia, and Boston, of course. NYC too but I try not to think much about it. The way I moved always alternated somewhere chaotic to somewhere peaceful. I think God planned it this way. I do not like recalling the tough places and I often go back in my mind to the places where I felt and saw the most beauty.  

I do not like getting wet but even Boston in the rain was memorable. The tree lined streets, the historic buildings, cobblestones, the city squares. Beautiful. The youth and hope in the air. The anticipation of a bright future and realized dreams. I wasn’t immune from it all. Although it is an old city and in many ways not as functional as other places, it is the vibe and atmosphere that make the difference. To be honest, every season there has its charm – even the winter. The cold is brutal and the snow at times unending but the comfort of walking into a heated building is incomparable. 

People are people everywhere. They are unique and flawed. But I think it’s the environment that also makes a difference. I was an advisor and guide for much of my life – professionally and personally. So in this period, it makes a lot of sense that one of the main people walking with me is my 85 year old former colleague from Indiana who was a chief academic advisor. He has a lot of wisdom and love. Although not a devout Christian, he was raised in the faith and understands Scripture and its contexts and meanings. When he quotes verses at me with his booming voice, it’s almost like God is speaking. This one time, we were discussing the Psalms and one of my favorite verses – “You prepare a table before me in the presume of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil. My cup runs over.” It was one of the most life giving moments I’ve experienced. 

When I left Maryland to drive to Indiana for the first time, I made sure to play U2’s Gone as the first song driving away. The key lyrics for me were “Goodbye, you can keep this suit of lights. I’ll be up with the sun. And I’m not coming down.” I realized recently that the wisest and most compassionate people I met in the Midwest. Other than those years, I’ve lived mainly in the high pressured East Coast cities where there can be lots of competition and cynicism. Indiana was very lonely but it was so peaceful and quiet. There are two major roads traversing the town, which is built around the university. There’s not much to do other than to study. Maybe drink, but that wasn’t my thing. I was lucky to teach international students for two of my three years there and advised my last year. It made the stress of law school much more bearable. 

But that song encapsulates how I felt about the DC area. It is suffocating and selfish in so many ways. People here often focus on career, wealth, titles, appearances. I felt so much pressure to live up to ridiculous expectations – others and some my own. There were rarely the safe stable places I so longed for. 

As I said, I rarely to never ask why God allows evil to happen. I think the answers are mostly inadequate. I once had a case where a 5 year old was raped. Who answers? Who answers?

But the beauty. There was a lot of it to counterbalance the rest. 

I long for all of it. 

Especially the ocean.