The stories I’ve sent and told you were costly. But it would have been costlier not to have lived them out. I tried to live honestly and freely. Despite the loneliness and pain, there was honor in doing if this way. The grace and love are found in the gaps and seams of life. They are often moments stolen from the struggle and fear that surrounds us. 

Because I had so much fear, I leaned to be brave. So much stupidity, I sought wisdom. So inexperienced, I traveled and searched for it. And I found some of all of those. I did not receive much wealth, power (in the way people define it), or fame. Not even the stability and security I desired. What I received was something else. I still haven’t pinpointed what it exactly is but I think it’s a combination of knowledge, experience, impact, students, friends, pride. All I couldn’t leave behind. 

From a song – all the beatings  made me wise. But I’m not about to give thanks or apologize. A lot of the tough things I faced shouldn’t have happened. But they did. And the beauty of it all is I learned and grew. Tried to use what I learned to make things better. The song goes on – saw things so much clearer once you were in my rearviewmirror. It is about the author’s abusive father and how he escaped from his orbit. 

I don’t think this area or world will really see or appreciate who I am. Will I ever make peace with that? I don’t know and I also don’t care as much. 

I often think of the ocean. It has spoken to me ever since I was a child. The waves are comforting as they crash infinitely against the shore. They wash away everything in their path – sand castles, footprints, even the remnants of the prior waves. I like to think these are memory erasing waves because to some extent, we all need it. There are some memories that need to be forgotten – and they are often not what you might imagine they would be. 

As I may have mentioned, I do not like sand. But I love the rocks on the beach. In Maine especially, the coastline is rocky and it is truly a sight to behold. There is tremendous peace being surrounded by this environment. And the lighthouses. So lonely but strong in their presence and what they provide.

I will remember these scenes in my dying moments. I often think what would flash before my eyes – it would be a collage of all the things I was privileged to experience. Even the bad memories somehow become a part of an overall good story.