I know you don’t wear dresses much but I remember you on a few occasions in one. You were cute in them. I look back now, I wish I had asked you to go to a dance in high school. I didn’t think that was your thing. Memories like fingerprints are slowly raising. And hindsight, the clearest and most foolish sight of them all. 

I spent a good portion of my life surrounded by extroverts. Nothing wrong with them but one too many just liked talking too much. If you paid attention to what they said, you realize how shallow, and self-serving their words are. In my head, I often thought, please be quiet. I used to sing songs about my cat, gush about my turtles, and take pride in the personalities of my mice at my Boston church’s Bible study and grad program. Many would think I was immature and make fun of me. At that point, I had already worked on hundreds of cases including homicides, sexual assaults, child rape, drug dealing. I also started an outreach program for the Philadelphia Asian community. I was under 30. 

I usually don’t put down details of my cases in writing but for sone reason, I did on my blog once. It was hidden so I didn’t mind much. Maybe I was just discouraged at what I was seeing and not having enough light and love. 

A defendant rapes a victim. Shoves a gun up her privates. And shoots her in the left eye. 

How’s that for maturity? 

Maybe this is why I sang those songs. Watched every Red Sox game I could access and play Tetris during sermons. Maybe this is why I dreamt of seeing the world, eating sausages, drinking beer, and rolling on the rivers. Maybe this is why I don’t think swearing is really a big deal. 

And those cases weren’t even the half of it. Try being an Asian immigrant in the DC area at the age of 12 and the other things that Eddie Vedder sings about. These stories were part of my life. 

And the others. Dancing with every pretty girl I met. Even the girl I lit the candles for – a highlight of my life, Southern girls in North Carolina, my first love, the most gorgeous bridesmaid in the weddings I was a groomsman. 

And my daughter. 

Those cases were just a blip compared to those dances. Those were sacred, divine. The ones you remember like Michael Corleone in your last moments. The incarnation of grace in this existence. 

No words are needed.