Today I taught my kids that I could write elegant poetry but was also quite accurate with a gun. Deadly accurate. I also taught them that some people need to be pistol whipped to get the point across. That’s the only thing they’d respond to. The daughter replied that she knew several kids in her school who needed that. Maybe with a Nerf gun. 

This story isn’t a random one. We were having lunch with her godparents and I casually mentioned that I was proficient with a gun. She then tells me that her mother confirmed that for her. I was surprised because I didn’t know others knew. I received a gun as a wedding present and I didn’t even practice that much with it. I didn’t even have much formal training. For the record, I am not crazy about guns and think this country needs some major reform in this arena. 

The real reason why I tell this story is that often it was others who would point out something I could do well. I was unaware most of the time. I think this stemmed heavily from my parents. I joke that for many Asian parents, what their kids do isn’t good enough – but with mine, just take out the word enough. In some ways, it affected what I thought about myself but also not really. 

There’s this story in the Bible where Peter sees Jesus on the shore after his resurrection and is overjoyed. Peter then gets out of the boat he’s in and starts walking on water toward Jesus. Somewhere along the way, Peter gets scared and sinks. His faith wavers. 

Mine was like that too. Also in terms of confidence. They wavered and I wish I was stronger and more consistent. But I did have them. I remarked recently to a few friends that everyone places their faith and confidence in something, regardless of religious beliefs. They could be in money, friends, ourselves, a relationship, job. We need both to do many things – raise a child, get a degree, get married, etc. 

And ultimately, they should be in God. That is supremely difficult because He is invisible and not as audible in the way we would expect. But what is the alternative? I’ve learned the hard way that anything else cannot be fully relied on. As to Peter, I don’t think Jesus was harsh with him. He understood weakness and the difficulty of faith. 

After the hospital, I prayed and surrendered more to God. Several major issues changed and improved. I healed. My parents behaved better. Strengthened my bond with the kids (it was already a strong one). And the writing changed – especially that to and for you. Before, it was good but it’s not just different, it’s somehow better – making the earlier ones feel like rough drafts. 

Once in a while I would do something that stood out – teach a good lesson, play a good game, etc. And I would say that I was walking on water. 

These letters to you, I term them letters of faith. I write them in faith and I send them in faith. Several months ago, I wrote you that I (insert word) you in faith. I should have had more to write the truth.