When I was in the hospital, I didn’t eat for days and couldn’t move much.  The pain was excruciating. They tried to get away with giving me Tylenol but I needed Oxycodone. On a few occasions, they forgot to give me my pain medicine, and this was early on when the pain was at its highest. I also had to be changed and cleaned like a baby. 

I didn’t watch TV so I listened to music on my phone. Sometimes, a song would come on that would remind me of you. I would smile through and despite the pain and say to myself – that’s a ——— song. The one that played several times was Neil Young’s Harvest Moon. I’m not even sure you knew this one but it is so you. The one song that I do remember you liken was Whiskey Lullaby. I am not that familiar with country music but I knew this one. When I found out I was to be admitted to the hospital, I felt relief because I knew I would be taken care of. My infection was so bad, they transferred me from Shady Grove Hospital to Medstar in DC. I did somewhat enjoy the ambulance ride, my first as a patient. When one of the doctors said it might be cancer, I said to myself “Ok. If that’s the way I’ll go, it’d be ok.” I was just so tired. 

Although the hospital was lonely and scary at times, there were also moments of levity and peace. One night, one of the nurses tried to draw blood unsuccessfully after several attempts. I just told her to stop because I had already been drawn multiple times that day, more than normal because of a medication I was on. I said to her no more and I don’t care. I said I’m usually quiet and don’t complain but enough is enough. I was crying in frustration. I told her I was usually good and she said she knew, that I was one of her best patients. She then calls in a more experienced nurse who then tells her she was trying to draw blood from a tendon rather than a vein. I started to laugh. Sometimes, life gets so absurd, all you can do is laugh. 

Recently, I stated to say that I can use my skills and experience to get what I need or want, or let God use those to achieve the similar goals. They sound similar but they are completely different. When I look back, that was how He did it with me. I don’t end up with my life without that component. I put in the work but there was also Providence and gifts. 

I used to stay in my grandmother’s house in her hometown in Malaysia. It was a rundown neighborhood. There were many mosquitoes, lizards, and cockroaches. There was no shower and even a toilet bowl. We bathed by pouring water over our heads with a container and going to the bathroom by squatting over an embedded toilet in the ground. The house was poorly lit and there were often electricity and water shortages. There weren’t a lot of streetlights around and it was generally dark. 

But there was TV. Only two channels at the time and the they would broadcast from the afternoon till midnight with heavy censorship. We used to watch an American show, Dallas. That was my first exposure to the US. The scenes of ranches, cowboys, cattle, the Dallas Cowboys stadium, and Americana in general were imprinted in my memories. Little did I know, that I would be in the US a few years later. 

The other significant events would follow a similar pattern. I didn’t expect them but they somehow made sense. I belonged and I didn’t but God always made a way to and through. I think God gave me what I needed. 

There’s a Rich Mullins song Elijah, about the prophet, who happens to provably be my favorite biblical character. In fact, my son’s name was originally was to be Elijah until I found out that there was another baby at church with the same name. And he did look like a Mongol warlord when he popped out. In any case, some of the lyrics that stand out to me are “This life has shown me how we’re mended and how we’re torn

How it’s okay to be lonely as long as you’re free

Sometimes my ground was stony

And sometimes covered up with thorns

And only You could make it what it had to be.”

Those words ring true like no other. I can see how many things, even and especially the difficult ones were designed and ordained by God to prepare me for the future. 

Malaysia for the US definitely. If you look up the Malaysian flag and the US one, they look similar. Both countries have a similar federal and state government system. They are also multicultural societies – ethnically, religiously, and in other ways. I was never super fast or big as an athlete, but I was quick and had good reflexes. I could make saves as a goalie and field balls really well. I realized only the past few years that I developed these abilities from playing badminton, a sport which isn’t played much competitively in the US, but more so in Asia and Europe. Malaysia is one of the best in the world at the game. We have won several world championships and have had some of the world’s best players. 

The game is fast and the shuttlecock is hit back and forth at dizzying speeds. I was a decent to good player. I dove to make plays and could often react quickly to return volleys. But when I got to the US I was not that athletic compared to my peers. I got placed with the girls section in PE in seventh grade with a few other guys. But I was flexible and somehow had an above average arm. The latter was a surprise to me as I had rarely thrown a ball until then. That ability, too, came from badminton. Another component of the game is smashing the shuttlecock with great force past your opponent. I was very good at this and it made my arm strong as a result. I used that arm in other sports.  For someone my size – a little over 5’5″ and around 150 lb, my arm is strong. I coulf throw out runners from the outfield, a football quite a long distance, and even the discus in a respectable fashion. 

Nothing is wasted and many things, if not everything, happens for a reason.  A good one. 

I don’t think this is true of everyone I’ve met but in general, I could grasp someone else’s story than the other way around. It is a combination of intuition, experience, and probably a host of other things. This is a double edged sword. What I’ve written down (primarily for my children) is the layered truth of who I was and am. 

The hidden layers were indirectly my shield. It protected me from friendships and even romantic relationships that would have harmed me. I often wished more girls would have looked my way and I was smoother with them but that would have been a detriment. I have a friend who is attractive, intelligent, and sophisticated.  And those are also all double edged swords. Many have loved her for the wrong reasons, those instead of what matters the most, the heart. She has a kind one. 

There’s a saying I also find profound. All roads lead to Nineveh. We cannot run from our destiny or fate, as told in many of the ancient myths. When I read some of my old writing, I see several instances of foreshadowing. These weren’t just hopes and wishes but things I would predict coming true – some in very specific ways and some in very surprising but pleasant ones. To me, this is the proof of the presence of God. 

Those lyrics about Him making our path what it had to be isn’t all sad as the song makes it sound. I once dreamed of planting a vegetable garden. I also say this from time to time – tomorrows’s joy is planted in today’s suffering.

I hope and think that’s true.