Last night, I spoke with my first love after 20 years of silence. She lives in California with her husband and kids. She apologized for how she treated me and that she was really young back then. I said I was too and she was a good memory. And that most, if not all, stories end up good. This all happened 27 years ago. 

Someone asked me how the conversation felt. I said it was powerful. I also said that while I’m glad we met and were “together” for a bit, I’m also glad we didn’t go any further, like get married. She left for college in LA the summer we saw each other. 

I then thought of Garth Brooks’ song Unanswered Prayers. It fit the situation closely. On a tangent, I don’t know much about country music but I do like his songs – The Thunder Rolls, The Dance, The River. I was also inspired to buy the same type of guitar he played once on TV a black Takamine. I had a lower cost version of that model (which I named Maria) but ended up with my sweetheart – a deep red one which I could never find a name for. 

I think back on the prayers that God didn’t answer like I wanted Him to. In the PhD program, it was hard for me to find a full time job after my coursework was over. I had a former student who was an executive with Samsung in Korea. He wanted to help me get a job with them. It would have been highly paid but I would have to relocate to Korea by myself. 

At that point, though, my daughter was a baby. I still wanted to go because we needed the money and it sounded like a good opportunity. I didn’t get the job. I was devastated and I burned my Bible in anger and frustration. I have made so little money in my career and was tited of it. 

Looking back, however, it was a blessing in disguise. If I had gone, I’d have missed out on her early years. She and I are close and I don’t think that would have happened if I was overseas. It also turns out that that Samsung would be hard to work at due to language and cultural barriers.  A former DA colleague who worked for them couldn’t wait to leave.

This is just one example. I think if I had other prayers answered like the way I wanted, I would have missed out on some good things. That line in the song that goes “I guess the good Lord knows what He’s doing after all” is powerful and profound. 

For the record, I’ve never asked God that someone would love me back. I knew better than that. That’s why I’ve learned to surrender and trust despite it being difficult at times. I trust God with you and it is peaceful and calming. 

The strength in all this is God. To know He’s in control and has my best interests at heart despite it all is a comfort.

And it’s not you I’m looking to. It’s the God who pointed to you.