Many people in my field eventually leave. The brutality takes a toll. But the mistake some make is to jump into something different to the point where they miss out on what was good prior. DAs that go into private practice often find it unfulfilling. Cops too. They miss the sense of purpose. And brotherhood and sisterhood. 

One of our Chiefs killed himself when he was about to retire. He had no family. A huge pension in the millions.  We will never know exactly why he did what he did. But I’m going to guess it had something to do in part with losing the NYPD family. I also used to have this recurring dream in Boston that I would return to my old DA office. It wasn’t realistic or practical – the elected one I served under was good and ethical but the following ones were sent to prison or impeached. But i think this showed something deeper that I desired. To belong and to live for something higher than myself. 

The first love said she felt like I had something to prove. She is right, but not in the way many people thought – that I needed to prove people wrong. That interpretation was far from the truth. I think it was more about proving myself right. Maybe it wasn’t even that. Maybe it was about letting God prove Himself right. I wasn’t ambitious but I dreamt. In the midst of chaos and turmoil, I dreamt. 

Lately, I’ve been thinking of what fate and destiny mean. The words sound the same but I think they mean different things. I can’t pinpoint exactly what and why. Fate feels like things that were going to happen regardless. Destiny feels like the true purpose underlying fate and I think oftentimes it is good. 

She also asked me what music and books you liked. I could generally tell what your favorites were. And some of yours artwork. I do not regret marrying. She changed my life in good and bad ways. That’s how the university works at times but I think it all balances out in the end. We take it all – the joy and the pain. 

 She was fate. 

 I think you are destiny.