I met up with a pastor last year and he said God writes His story.  At first, I felt this was too fortune cookie like but after I thought about it, makes sense.  I think my fear was that He would write one with me as a doormat.  I didn’t need to be the hero, that’s not me but not a doormat.  

But that’s just fear talking.  God is a good storywriter.

The words I think about a lot are hope and surrender.  I can point to how trauma leads to gifts and growth, etc. Thats all true but it’s still cold comfort.  I can also think of happy moments and smile but that’s also not it.  For me, it’s about trying to surrender all to God and see what He makes of it all.  The hope is He will do it well, better than any human can.

The first love asked me what makes you wake up in the morning.  I had some guesses.  It’s a good question for all of us.  If we are honest, I’d venture that many will not say God.  We will point to kids, work, a spouse, something else.  But it is supposed to be God.  And it’s not just in some holier than thou theological reason.  It’s because it’s also practical.   No human can meet all our needs, understand it all.

With humans, you can touch, hug, more audibly interact.  I miss that. But humans also   hurt and disappoint.  God doesn’t.  

I don’t relive what has happened without pain.  But it’s a good reminder why I cannot go back nor do I want to.

I miss having someone to share my life with, wake up next to, etc.  

But it also has to fit.  No one is perfect but there has to be a baseline of love and trust. 

The hope is that God provides exactly what we need.  And can surprise us.

This will sound so churchy but if both people are walking with or toward God, it’s more sustainable.  I didn’t want a preachy girl who adheres only to the hard line taught at church.  I wanted someone who would think independently.  But again, there needs to be a common denominator – in this case, the important concept of faith. 

At the end of it all, do we believe that God is bigger than anything we face, have, or want?  That is such a hard sell and I know I didn’t buy into it fully.

God pointed you  out.  A strange unexpected point but makes sense after thought.  You are not the source of light.  God still is. One of the consistent themes in the writing is hiddenness.  I did it a lot at school, work, home, kids, marriage.  This was due to many reasons.  It had consequences.  My son is a lot like me.

Sorry if this is repetitive but it’s important to me that at least some know.  Because pretty much no one did.

The saddest were those supposed to be closest.  To me, I did many things quietly.  It was generally my style.  But I could also be up front as well.  Just after a period of apparent nothing.  I surprised people a lot.  True of most if not all of the major life events. 

You have many details others d.  I hoped you could piece it all together.