Sometimes in my darker and sadder moments, I tnink the best has already past me by and whatever follows will be second best or worse. I have to constantly fight this way of thinking because it’s not only unhealthy, it’s also wrong. Not just perhaps or maybe, but the best is to cone. I hope so anyway. 

Last year, I thought that if my life to date could be compared to a meal, it would not be one at a fancy restaurant one but the family meal served to the restaurant staff. I don’t want to overly romanticize this as I’ve never worked in the restaurant industry but my understanding is that the meal is still prepared with care, good ingredients, by chefs, and you’re eating with colleagues, who some hopefully are friends. 

We used to go to a church in Boston with very educated, wealthy people, many of them young. They had nice houses, cars, well paying jobs. I was trying to break into the international sector. I’d be lying if I didn’t say I envied them. 

But sometimes I think God says that path is not for you. It is too safe, too small. Is this what you really want with what I’ve given you? When I was struggling to come up with a viable research question for my dissertation, I would listen to Fleetwood Mac’s Go Your Own Way on repeat. Although it was intended to be an acrimonious breakup song, it felt like God was speaking to me through the lyrics. 

Loving you isn’t the right thing to do 

How can I ever change things that I feel?

If I could, baby, I’ll give you my world

How can I 

When you won’t take it from me? Open up 

Everything’s waiting for you 

And here’s the somewhat dire warming.  A friend asked me whet I felt God telling me if I didn’t want to follow His will.  I replied with the lines from the song’s title.

You can go your own way

You can call it another lonely day

Even now, some people think I’m at a low point but i don’t completely see it that way. I know I tried to follow God’s plan, as clumsy or inelegant as it seemed or was in reality. Those that know me well understand I’m in a sort of a cocoon phase. 

God is still present and the evidence shows itself in many ways – small and large, many times unexpected. I would love to be with you and I could point to my good qualities but I would also have to own up to my bad ones. I have both. 

What will you make the difference is I would allow God in.