I ache

Love and fear

They walk together

Strange companions at first glance

Until you realize they aren’t

Stars in the winter night 

Sunlight in rain

Drinking wine at the funeral 

The knife that cuts deeply to heal the wound

Broken hallelujahs in the midst of the hymn of praise

The blood spilled to ensure peace 

And the pain wagered to win love

And so it will be in these hotel rooms

Van and train rides 

With a broken heart

But strong spirit 

Where I will teach you

The grand mystery of the Tao

The costly sacrifice of the Cross

That it’s your legs that allow you

To shoot, throw, save, catch

That your mind is your greatest weapon and shield

That it is never about size

But your heart, will, soul

Never compromise, surrender, kneel

Never

Not even in the face of Armageddon

The Malaysian way

Fight to the end

Head high, defiant eyes

Will never lose

This year

I finally wrote down my stories, my story

Memories like fingerprints are slowly raising 

Told others what I really thought about them

Rearranged many of my relationships while deepening several

All these changes taking place 

Sent the girl I lit the candles for a letter 20 years overdue

Survived a three week hospitalization 

Wrote poetry like never before (and here’s the kicker, I generally don’t read or write much poetry)

Traveled 

I change by not changing at all

Taught my kids who I am and who they are

Told only the second girl ever

I loved her directly (not the girl I lit the candles for)

Walked with others through their own journeys

Tied up some loose ends

Lifetimes are catching up with me

Surrendered more to God

And maybe found my soul again

But hearts and thoughts they fade, fade away

I will dream of her

And her

And her

And maybe her

But not her

She is no longer worthy

She must not be remembered

But definitely her

The one to come

She offers the sacred dance

Unconditional embrace

Steadfast love

Wordless understanding

She is worthy

The end of all the dreaming 

And its beginning

It is a shield

It is your protection

What can’t be seen

Is hard to track

Attack, kill

Baby dragons

Growing tigers

True influence

Secret wisdom

Not the showy cheap

Or the glamorous trinket

All that is gold does not glitter

Not all who wander are lost

The wrinkled fruit is often sweet

The simple sword the deadliest

An inch more important than a mile

The power of the invisible

Take my hand

Valuable 

Travel south cross land

Creative

Put out the fire

Kind

And don’t look past my shoulder

Quirky

The exodus is here

Unique

The happy ones are near

Funny

Let’s get together

Faithful

Before we get much older

Graceful

Don’t cry

Intelligent 

Don’t raise your eyes

Loving

Take my hand

Teacher

Travel south cross land

Artist

Put out the fire

Nudge from God

And don’t look past my shoulder

Beautiful

When you fall in love with someone

Whom you never would have thought of in forever

It’s not so much a thunderbolt 

But the epiphany that comes after a night of dreaming 

A long, difficult journey

The effect of illusion vaporizing tears 

Conversations with God about everything

Pain, longing, loneliness, doubt, belonging, home

And hope

Hope

The first time in sixteen years

I saw and realized I missed you

And then missed you the next day

And the next

And the next

And the next

I don’t think that will ever end

The first time in thirty years 

I saw your true beauty, in every form – pure, strong, rare, and exquisite

The first time I ever prayed for you

Felt known and understood

The first time in forever I woke up 

With renewed faith, hope, and strength

Not just the numbing of pain

But the first rays of joy through the storm clouds

God’s timing is perfect

He is great