(From the DA years – I wrote this without knowing that one day I’d live in Boston)

This is for every kid who has been picked on, excluded, or marginalized by the popular bullies.  This is for every person who waits for someone or goal that seems unreachable. 

Last night, the Boston Red Sox won in 14th innings (the longest postseason game ever) despite countless managerial and player errors as well as blown calls by the umpires – and the Curse of the Bambino (Red Sox selling Babe Ruth for cash to the Yankees in 1918).  The Red Sox lost the first three games of the best of seven series, making it virtually impossible for them to win.  No team has ever come back from a 0-3 deficit to win a baseball series.  Sportswriters around the country have literally written the Red Sox off as sure losers.  While the Red Sox still have a formidable task ahead of them to win the series – winning two straight games at Yankee Stadium and four games straight, there is hope.  Through it all, no one can question the resilience of the Red Sox. 

I don’t know if the Red Sox will win.  History and the odds go against it.  The Yankees are talented and clutch.  But they are also bullies.  And if there’s one thing I’ve picked up in my relatively short existence on earth, is that bullies eventually fall.  And they fall hard.  The important thing is not to quit fighting.  Sure, you may get beat real good, but make sure to go down fighting and putting some hurt on the other person; next time they’ll think twice when messing with you.  The Red Sox may be cursed, but the Yankees got upset last year in the World Series by the Anaheim Angels.  Bullies fall.  Don’t quit.  For one more day, the Red Sox live. 

On a related topic, I remember growing up with a bunch of punks both in high school and youth group.  These guys couldn’t do anything wrong and they let some of us less talented people know about it.  I have a couple of things to say to them –  “Thanks for making me into a prosecutor and for teaching me to defend the powerless.”  I feel that these same punks are the ones now who will not hesitate to march against gay marriage, abortion, and Harry Potter books while still acting like sanctimonious, pretentious idiots.  While I don’t necessarily agree with the “liberal” stance on those issues, the point is that those who appear to be holiest are often not.  We like to pick on struggles that we don’t personally face.  But when was the last time we heard a Christian march on selfishness, marginalization of minorities, or for adoption?  Before we decide to overrule the Roe v. Wade line of cases, we should try to figure out how to solve the problem of unwanted babies and single unwed mothers.  As for gay marriage, I’m not sure whether we can live with the consequences of the state interfering with private decisions and morality.  The same people who would speak out against gay marriage would likely be against the state banning contraception (which has actually happened but thankfully overturned by the Supreme Court). 

And as for Harry Potter, I bet we have better battles to fight than to tear down imaginary characters for children.  Enough said.  In all this, I give all credit to God who has brought me to great places and through experiences that have molded me so far.  Despite my bitterness and brokenness, He has been merciful and kind.  He has truly prepared a table before me in the presence of my enemies; my cup runs over.  A pastor and I discussed that verse before I left Maryland for law school in Indiana and at this point I can see how God kept that promise.  I write all this with the knowledge that I owe all success and accomplishments to Him.  Any award, position, or relationship without Him are hollow husks of grain.  Those same things with Him are like dancing under a harvest moon.

Go Sox.

(From the Indiana years)

The paradoxical nature of Christianity states that the closer one is to the ground, the closer he or she is to heaven.

Each year in law school, you look for a job.  It’s stressful and the equivalent of a full time job search, even for unpaid summer positions.  My first year, I end up in a small family firm specializing in whistleblower law (two brothers and change).  It was actually more interesting than it sounds.

The firm is located in the Georgetown area of DC.  There is a school of thought that there is a racial reason why there is no Georgetown Metro stop.  I will give supporting testimony.  To get to work, I drive fo Rockville Metro Station, ride to the Foggy Bottom stop, take a shuttle to the vicinity of Georgetown, and still walk a mile to work.  It takes me an hour and a half one way each day.  And did I mention I was unpaid?

Law can be very boring and this was no exception.  I fell asleep at a lecture on the False Claims Act (still have no idea what it is).  But the clients were notable.  One was Linda Tripp of Monica Lewinsky-Bill Clinton fame.  Another was a former FBI forensic scientist, supported by Senator Chuck Grassley.  One who I met personally was a former FBI translator whose story ended up on 60 Minutes later in the year.  She made the best lemonade.

Despite the long commutes, sweltering DC heat waves, the broken air conditioner, spoiled undergrad interns, and a partner’s mother calling my goatee silly, I have fond memories.  I learn which Metro cars are the most comfortable to sleep on (brown plastic bars).  Drawing from the spirit of Indiana, I shoot the lights out.  Had a chance to steal a girl but respectfully decline.  I discover the writings of Thomas Merton.  And the girl I lit the candles for was coincidentally in the same location.

1. I used to half-jokingly say at my NYC chuwould take all the angry kids and teach them like Jedi younglimgs.  Angry kids have the potential to be the greatest if properly guided.  Or they will eventually kill you and plunge the galaxy into darkness.

2.  Pastors and ministers really need more real-life training before presuming to preach to others.  Many are well meaning but seminary or Bible college alone is like playing a full game after only performing controlled drills.

3.  I met many people who were seduced by the pursuit of power, fame, and wealth.  Mostly without regard for the effect on others.  This will sound heartless, but have all of it.  All.  Drown in it.  Choke on it.

My grandfather figure and I were discussing how refreshing it would be to hear a pastor or minister use the F word from the pulpit.

Like as in F the…

Child molesters.

Abusers of power.

The ones who misrepresent God.

So on and so forth.

That would be a powerful statement and probably be heresy at the same time.  

It would be nice though.

There was this one time that a 14 year old kid from church wanted to walk home by himself at night from a birthday party to his home in an urban setting.  It would have taken him at least 2 hours to do so.

I was in college at that time and helped out in the youth group, so I knew that this was inappropriate.  When my brother and I tried to stop him, he started to go into the middle of the road daring cars to hit him.

We kept trying to talk him off the road.  At one point, I told him to get the f____ out of the road before he killed himself or someone else.  When he refused and still continued to resist, my brother and I dragged him off the road.

You can guess where this is going.  I got in trouble for using the F word and force.  Didn’t do this for gratitude but that would have been nice.

This incident would come into play decades later when I dealt with disciplinary issues for police officers.  Yes, no doubt there are bad ones – thugs and liars, but the majority are good.  Police discipline is often the ultimate Monday Morning Armchair Quarterback Show – things go south rapidly.  There is no training – classroom or simulation that fully captures this all.  A good portion of the cases I saw were questionable.  The main oversight body for a good chunk of these wasn’t IA but the CCRB – the civilian oversight board.  The general consensus is that it would be better to be judged by IA than the CCRB.  At least the former was a true jury of peers.  I intimately knew how the CCRB investigations were conducted and I can tell you that my daughter could have done a more effective and ethical job than many of their investigators.  The number of leading questions, verbal traps, mischaracterized evidence, etc.  was appalling.  The nickname for the CCRB was the KGB on the Hudson.  One of the top brass called the executive director the C word.  Yes – that one.

My own agency was also an oversight body. Our commissioner who was fired for abusing his authority spent a ton of money on questionable purchases, even a “spy” boat.

I used to joke that I was ready to live on a farm and feed lambs by hand after seeing all this play out.

And maybe a pastor will call them on all this.

Perhaps simplistic, but rings true.  I would say NYC worships money, Boston intelligence, DC power.  

So what does Philadelphia worship?

Heart.

I was just talking to a good friend about how this is embodied in the example of Allen Iverson.  Absolutely fearless.  He never backed down, kept getting back up.   I remember the teams they surrounded him, they just couldn’t score, so he did.

Recently, I realized why he possibly was so tough and fearless. And it occurred to me that he was imprisoned as a juvenile. Whether justified or not, I don’t know enough of the facts to comment adequately.

But I do have some inkling of what that experience was like. He had to survive.

After all that, playing basketball was just a nothing burger.

He was the real deal.

Didn’t, couldn’t back down.

From anyone.

It didn’t matter how big or tall they were – he took it to them.

Once upon a time, I played hockey with my church team.  So unathletic and overmatched but we made the playoffs.  We had only one guy who could score and he would maybe do 3 or 4. 

But I played goalie and would let in one fewer.  I’d be soaking wet at the end of the game but I dared anyone to come anywhere near my crease.

When my daughter was in kindergarten, she said in a matter of fact way tthat an older boy was picking on a 1st grade boy sitting next to her on the bus.  She said she tried to kick the older boy off but the angle and her lack of reach from her inside position made it difficult.  I told her that I was proud of her regardless.

Another time, she took care of three older boys harassing her little brother on the playground. She said she was prepared – Quicker, Tougher, Smarter, right Dad?

Recently, I told her that I was destined to be her father. God does not play dice or mess around with these sorts of things. She’s hella smarter, stronger, and more poised than I am.

But I once had game.

One of the key things in life is to try to do the opposite of all the negative stuff we experience and encounter. I tried to do that and redirect as much as I could.

I read an interesting interpretation of the classic Harry Chaplin song Cats In The Cradle. The conventional view is that a son grows up to be exactly like his absent, distracted father. But if you actually listen to the last verse more carefully and with a different perspective, the son is taking care of his family and that’s why he has no time for his dad. Probably not the intention of the songwriter but worth considering.

When I lead or managed, I tried to do it as a coach. I saw a key team member as an extension of me – just as a point guard or quarterback is the embodiment of a coach’s teaching and philosophy on the court or field.

These days, as my daughter gets older, I can start passing down more.

I told a friend recently that I observed a lot. Much of which I kept to myself. On situations, people, etc.

For so long, I wondered what was that all about and the payoff.

She is the answer.

She runs my offense.

She will pull the strings.

She will rise above.

A while back, I remarked to a friend that I’ve pretty much loved the same girl my whole life.  Different people but all had similar traits. All beautiful and unique in their own way.

And broken.

Like me.

Like all of us.

My friend chuckled at this in acknowledgment and affirmation. No worries here, there were only a handful – I wasn’t a skirt chaser.

I didn’t really have a specific idea of qualities looked for but I would say intelligence was high on the wishlist. Nice too but this was a bit more variable. What I should have prioritized were wisdom and empathy.  Soft eyes, soft heart. 

Looks matter, can’t get around that one but without those qualities, you may as well be writing your obituary.

Look for the detective, attorney, teacher, doctor with the soft eyes, soft heart.

Any different and you’ll be in a world of hurt, maybe even costing your life.

Look for the girl with the soft eyes, heart. She will not disappoint.  She will give you life.

It’s all about the soft eyes and heart.

Can never lose.

Although this did not end well because of political change, it will be one of the most memorable and proudest periods of my life.  While I cannot specifically discuss what I did for so many reasons, it was a one-in-a-million job.  I will tell my kids one day.  Put it this way, I had the equivalent of a top notch MBA program from an unique perspective.

The honor of service truly belongs to the uniformed officers.  There are definitely brutal, petty, power-hungry ones out there who should be removed and disciplined immediately, but there are truly noble servants.  I’m glad I sat with and shared parts of my life with them.  Don’t get me wrong, I heard and saw pretty egregious instances of misconduct, some of which are unprintable.

My first month, I attended the funeral of an Assistant Deputy Commissioner in Queens.  After the church ceremony, the casket was followed by bagpipe players, honor guard, and a helicopter flyover while all in attendance lined up on the street to pay their respects.

Moving.  

My colleagues and I went to Applebees for lunch.  There was an elderly man eating alone and one officer on noticing this, immediately starts a collection to pay for his meal.  

Moving.

We had this video montage set to the theme of Gladiator and voiced by James Earl Jones.  Always Heroes.  Predictably, my friends would make fun of it, but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t give me chills at times.

My first Chief, who interviewed me in the dark (yes, exactly this for some psychological tactic) called the Department the greatest police force in the world.  Sigh – Scotland Yard, BOPE, GIGN, but ok.  I’ll go with that.

Intimidation aside, I have many funny stories.  Again, not minimizing the very real horror stories I saw and heard.  These scary sounding places are all that, but goofy too.  I once attended a promotional ceremony opened by the band playing not some patriotic song but rather “Wait a Minute Mr. Postman.”

There are four classic Chinese books that are epic – translated as Journey to the West, Dream of the Red Chamber, Outlaws of the Marsh, and Romance of the Three Kingdoms.  I tell my son stories from Journey to the West, which involves the Monkey King, whom he shares a Chinese zodiac sign with.  And the last book, I used to teach my students with – the struggle to gain dominance over China by three warring factions.

This one is about emptying oneself in order to be filled.

I would have gotten fired or disciplined for this but I really wanted to show the movie Red Cliff in class.  It had so many lessons to impart.  It wasn’t the content but the length – the extended director’s cut was around the of two films.  The movie captures one such battle in Three Kingdoms where the most powerful one – led by the legendary minister Cao Cao, is about to annihilate another one.  I won’t go into details but there’s a key scene that is instructive.

The wild card in all of this is that the woman Cao Cao truly loves is married to the military leader of the opposing kingdom.  He yearns for her to the point he has a look-alike for his company.  But she isn’t her.  The problem with all forgeries – you can fool everyone but not yourself.  You never replace Apollonia, especially not with Kay.  

So just as Cao Cao is about to launch his death blow, she shows up.  She serves him tea. 

Slowly. 

At some point, the cup overflows.  She then tells him, he has overreached with his ambition.  She was the one who got away.  And that he lost sight of what he originally stood for – mow so full that he can no longer learn anything or see clearly.  Philosophically, this is all powerful but the real effect is to buy enough time for the winds to shift (literally), thwarting the invasion.  Timing isn’t everything but it matters a lot. Cao Cao is badly defeated and forced to call it a day.

Bruce Lee once said that one must empty one’s mind.  To be shapeless, formless.  This isn’t some purely Zen thinking.  It is practical.  When facing a problem, we often limit ourselves to preconceived ideals. It’s not the worst approach but it can be constricting, especially when faced with a novel situation.  There’s also a key scene in the chess movie – Searching for Bobby Fischer where a student’s teacher swipes off all the pieces of the board to allow him to see the correct solution to the position.  The presence of the pieces are distractions.

And so it probably is with God.  A common motif in the Bible is the desert.  It is often described as a place of testing and training.  But it also is a place of simplicity.  There are few to no distractions.  And this barrenness and emptiness is crucial.  To what – I’ll leave that to wiser minds but it is something you can’t find in other places or easily.  Maybe it’s perspective, wisdom.  Maybe it’s one self.  Whatever it is, it has something to do with being truly filled.