As a child, I learned these powerful words of the great, flawed David who went through so much to become a king. Shepherd, warrior, general, fugitive, poet, musician, lover. All the training necessary to be a good ruler.
Also used to have these words posted above my daughter’s crib. I was terrified about raising her. My favorite verse, which I used to say to myself all the time, growing up in the suffocating DC area.
“You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup runs over.”
Fought uphill a lot, outnumbered, outgunned. But His rod and staff. Just enough. I joke that I always had just enough to get to the next step in life. Didn’t fit in anywhere, so went everywhere. Couldn’t do one thing spectacularly, so learned to do many things solidly.
And all the just enoughs added up.
Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
I think when you have the chance to find love or do something else of comparable value, you damn well better do it. Love does not come walking in much through your library doors or down the pews of your church, or any other random place that you may haunt in your solitude.
Love instead tends to leave town on a jetplane or a Greyhound bus to places where you will never reach. I’m getting pretty sick and disgusted of people hiding behind this concept of God’s timing or will. Maybe God gave you the opportunity in the first place. Take the jumpshot at the corner of the three-point arc if you’re open. Don’t wait till someone sneaks up on you and strips the ball from your hands. Some people would kill for your opportunity.
One of my favorite players at Indiana was Dane Fife. He won the award for best player in his home state, Michigan. He was supposed to be a star in college, but for some reason it never panned out. He was still a starter but what was remarkable about him was he kept playing hard for the team, contributing as a solid player. His contributions were more than his stat sheet.
The main problem with Fife was that he lost his confidence shooting. He didn’t even average 10 points in his whole career, rare for a shooting guard. He would pass up open jumpers and fans would beg him to shoot. This was very painful to watch at times.
For me, there would be games I would hit my 3s at a 50 percent clip and others would be 0-fers. It would often come down to whether I hit on one of my early shots. The first few buckets would give confidence to keep shooting.
Fife ends up a school leader in steals and becomes a coach.
But the moral here is you must take the shot. Whether it’s for a job, relationship, educational opportunity, dream. You may never get that look again. Take the f———- shot.
My daughter and I watched Beauty and the Beast, our first movie at the theatre together.
I’m not much of a film connoisseur, but I thought it was well-executed. My daughter got a bit scared but she recognized the songs and as always, her favorite part was the happy ending.
On a side but related note, I’m reading a book about JRR Tolkien’s and CS Lewis’ friendship after the First World War and how their war experience affected their writing. One of the key points was that their work incorporated ideas of the more noble parts of human nature, even in periods of crisis and destruction, in contrast to the bitter (and justified) cynicism that pervaded the post-war environment.
Watching Beauty and the Beast reminded me of the value of these stories – that darkness doesn’t always have its way, and that beauty, hope, and light are still present. This to me is an important lesson to ground Eowyn and her brother in. Over the past several years, I have studied and practiced strategy and policy. The underlying principles and tactics in themselves are amoral; but as Sun Tzu and his modern acolyte, John Boyd, would point out, a key component of conflict is the moral dimension. And this on some level can be found in these classic tales and stories
My grandfather figure and I were discussing the concept of hidden blessings. Often, they aren’t what they appear to be. I often think of the hand I was dealt. Mixed cards for sure but not what they appeared to be. The apparent good cards turned out to be not so good and vice versa. Regardless, I knew what I had was inadequate for what the life I wanted and what I dreamt to accomplish.
This one is about grace disguised.
I didn’t come up with that term – I’m not smart enough for that. It’s actually the title of a book written by a professor who lost his wife, mother, and daughter in a car accident. It is profound writing and contains many life lessons.
When people think of ruts, they often think of a period of despair, sadness, and depression. And while that is certainly true, I think the more prevalent and pernicious state is coasting and going through the motions. When things are neither good nor bad enough to make any substantial changes. It’s more than boredom, apathy, or lack of growth. It is the start of a slow death. It’s like when your team is down by an insurmountable deficit and you’re just calling plays to run down the clock. I saw this at my alma mater with their football team when I was in college – the run and punt offense. It was embarrassing to watch.
My daughter used to have playdates with this wealthy family in NYC. Although we lived in a somewhat mixed zone, the school she went to had a pretty well to do demographic. It had some pretty ridiculous ideas which I may write about later such as it’s ok to have different answers for math problems and have Circle of Life parent diversity nights.
No and no.
2 + 2 always equals 4 and I’m not Pumba, Mufass, or Rafiki on display for you to gawk at.
So the playdate. It was in a nice apartment. The dad was a good 20 years older than the mom and a clear second (or more) marriage. They were nice (sort of) but they didn’t really like the fact I was NYPD. I dunno – maybe they had little bags of white powder stashed somewhere. They did have a boat. My daughter was totally out of her environment for sure.
I was curious so I used some of my investigation skills to find out more about this family (legally). And it was sorta funny – the prior wife looked exactly like the new one. We used to joke at work that Police Commissioner Bratton traded up in terms of wives every time he had a major promotion. Here, it felt like more of the same. Jokes aside, it made me think of what really breaks cycles – in any case or situation.
Sometimes it’s intentional and others it isn’t. They can be gifts, the grace disguised. It’s a bit dramatized in the Bruce Lee biopic Dragon but it was his breaking his back that gave him the impetus to really think hard to develop his philosophy of Jeet Kune Do. The months of incapacitation allowed him to put many of his thoughts and training together, even using his philosophy background.
Grace and destiny collide. It is timeless and universal. It happened to me repeatedly during my journey. The difficult part is to decide whether to resist or embrace it all. You can fight the current or go with the flow and see where it all goes. I used a lot of Taoist strategy in my professional work – often to the bewilderment of my superiors, who were often accustomed to doing something. Sometimes, doing nothing is best. Let the waterfall carry whatever where it needs to go.
One of the most powerful scenes in movies is the kiss Michael Corleone gives his brother Fredo in Havana on New Year’s Eve after realizing that it was the latter who betrayed him and almost gets him and his family killed. My law school classmate and I would often discuss the heartbreak, disappointment, and anger within that scene.
This one is about dealing with the Fredos in our lives – the ones who aren’t good to keep around for one reason or the other.
Long story short, Michael orders the death of his brother. This decision isn’t easy because Fredo is good to Michael. If you recall, he’s the only one who consoles Michael after the rest of the family disapproves of his decision to join the Marines against his father’s wishes. But Fredo is insecure and jealous, and gives access to the Family’s enemies to infiltrate the business. It wasn’t malicious, more reckless and stupid than anything.
Michael regrets killing his brother and rightfully so. Don’t kill anyone for any reason (with maybe one or two exceptions). But I’ve also thought about whether that hit was truly inappropriate or ineffective.
The problem with Fredo is that he’s easily manipulated. He is a walking liability. His stupidity almost leads to destruction of the Family. Keeping him alive would have just kept the door open for future avenues of danger. I think Michael killed him out of vengeance but the practicality of the decision is more defensible.
Several close friends and I have discussed the Fredos in our lives. Some are even actual brothers or relatives. And we all agree, they must be taken care of. John Boyd – a strategist I respected and whose work I often used said – if you ask for my loyalty, I’ll give you honesty. If you ask for my honesty, I’ll give you loyalty. I can generally forgive quite a bit but betrayal is not on the list. I haven’t spoken to some former friends in decades because of this. Loyalty is paramount for friendships and relationships. State of love and trust and all that follows.
I understand everyone has a price but some people I know are just way too easy. As I’ve said before, if you’re going to sell someone or yourself out, have some self-respect and at least do it for a decent price. Cheap lovers make expensive wives.
A little known fact. When David is on his deathbed, he counsels his heir Solomon to kill two individuals – his lead general and another prominent person who disrespects and disobeys in the past. This is not only smart but warranted. The general would have posed a military threat to the kingdom and the other a political one. David – a man after God’s own heart and wise as a serpent.
It is difficult to find a loyal friend. They are gold. The others are to be held loosely.
My daughter is named after one of the main female characters in Lord of the Rings. The one from the Riders of Rohan, who I call horse girl. She is often confused with the elf girl. This to me, is annoying at times, because we all know that the horse girl is the coolest woman in the trilogy hands down. Elf girl pines for future king most of the time. Horse girl does too and gets rejected but ends up with a bit of a consolation prize in another guy but you can’t always get what you want but you get whet you need. I really wanted to marry the girl I lit the candles for but that didn’t pan out.
This one is about strong women.
In the trilogy, horse girl kills the lead Ringwraith – the Witch King. He is plainly an overconfident prick because it was prophesied that no man would kill him. Except that was a very Macbeth like promise because horse girl disguises herself as a man to fight for her people. I often showed mine the clip when she removes her helmet to reveal herself before doing a Solozzo on Witch King while saving “I am no man.” Present day daughter lives up to that. She used to yell “NYPD!”’at the playground while chasing misbehaving kids. I did not teach her that. I swear. I taught her other stuff like how to search a person and to look at trash for evidence. She’ll find it handy once she starts dating in 20 years or so. I kid.
I could guard any man in basketball. But a woman was a bit different. In my freshman year of high school, the future captain of the Princeton women’s basketball team was in my gym class. I had to guard her a lot. She took me to school. I also defended her in football as a corner with marginally better results. She was so strong and fast. I also once guarded someone who played point guard for Northwestern University’s women’s basketball team. She was really steady and played offense a lot like I did – not flashy but controlled. She was the only female playing with us guys. Extremely difficult to stick to – she knew how to move with and without the ball. She was actually harder to guard than my classmate who played college ball as well.
This has shifted a bit but at one point my primary mentors were women. They are still the most accomplished ones in my circle. Both shaped my thinking profoundly and they were the first two to comment positively on my writing and encourage me to pursue this path more seriously.
I was also blessed to have taught many amazing female students, especially in Boston. I was so proud of them. Savvy, smart, full of life and character. I told them they gave me hope for my own daughter who was awaiting birth at that time. Also professionally – sister prosecutors and adopted sister police officers.
The group of students I used to shepherd at church also had many outstanding females. I didn’t realize this until last year but the predator I wrote about was to be their primary guide until fate or destiny intervened. Mysterious ways and all that.
Present day daughter is learning Brazilian jujitsu. I also see how she is a leader among her peers. This is actually her Chinese zodiac year – the dragon.
Still hidden for now as she should be.
But all dragons appear and rise in time. The daughter of the snake is also a dragon. Maybe she will be a good one. Maybe she won’t.
Fathers matter. Time will tell.
But my girl has me and all my powerful mentors and friends in her corner. The seeds I sowed decades ago and watered since. My stories too but I suspect hers will be better.
And the God who watches over her.
As to the photo above, she wore 5 when she played soccer – like the legendary Spanish and Barcelona defender Carles Puyol, one of the greatest and toughest captains in history. She played a lot like him – the best tackler on the team. Absolutely fearless and unrelenting.
He’s not so well known in the US, but one of the historical figures I’ve looked up to is Sir Francis Walsingham, Queen Elizabeth I’s Secretary of State and her chief advisor. Elizabeth’s reign is considered one of the greatest in British history but it wasn’t so clear that it would be that way when she ascended to the throne. The daughter of Anne Boleyn and Henry VIII, she wasn’t even supposed to be the queen. Her kingdom was initially fractured, financially insecure, and under threat of invasion by quite a few powers.
But she was a player.
She took a mixed to weak hand and set up England to be a world power. Absolutely astute and savvy, she was the OG Daenerys Targaryen. And she had dragons of her own – she knew talent and how to harness it. Unlike so many of the insecure arrogant assclowns I’ve known.
Walsingham was a major part of her success.
Playing the role of mentor and advisor, he guided her faithfully and loyally for his entire career. He died poor, having dedicated service to Queen and Country. He taught her how to ward off enemies – external and internal. Saved her life with his work. He also is considered the father of MI6 – he was the original M and had his double 0s everywhere.
A key scene in the Godfather is when Michael Corleone limits the role and scope of Tom Hagen, his consigliere and adopted brother. Tom is not a wartime consigliere and it shows in his mediocre service to the Family. Michael dismisses him and says that his father, the now retired Vito, is the best consigliere he’ll ever need.
Possibly one of my favorite scenes in all film is when Vito has one last conversation with Michael. They discuss the past, present, and future. It is insightful and incisive. Vito nails everything perfectly with his observations and predictions. This is the type of conversation I yearned for with many but rarely got it.
But I can do it with my kids. One of the names considered for my daughter was Elizabeth, after the great queen. I envisioned advising her like Walsingham and Vito.
And so I will.
This life was filled with painful lessons but this is one of the purposes. I hated it when people called my daughter a princess.
I had a Glock 32, .357 caliber. That’s a big gun. No safety too and extra rounds. I only shot it once. I was accurate. I had only shot a gun once before that, .45 at DA Training Camp near Hershey Park. I can credit this to the gangster side of my family but I think it was more to do with shooting a basketball. I realize this year that it’s the same process. Set your feet, have a good stance, breathe in, breathe out, aim, release. That’s all. For the record, guns aren’t my thing. The US needs to control it better and way too many people fantasize about shooting them sideways like in the movies (absolutely not the way to go, you’re more inclined to shoot yourself that way). I could hold my own against several officers at the range. But like many things I did, I hid this – they thought I loved math and played video games like all Asians do. I’m actually not that good at those. I had to cheat off someone to survive calculus and I can only generally play sports games.
This one is about how nothing is wasted.
I had no intention of entering the legal or criminal justice world. I was originally going to be a high school biology teacher per some terrible and poor guidance from church leaders. Nothing wrong with that vocation, I count my high school teachers to be the best influences in my life and perhaps the most noble profession. But that wasn’t my destiny (at least back then). But that science and teaching background came into play repeatedly over the course of my career and personal life. I think this is beyond looking for connections just for the sake of it. This, to me, is evidence of a plan or design. Free will and all but as my high school Spanish teacher says – God has a plan.
The hard part in all of this for me is believing that the plan is a good one – not just for others, but for me. The point, in my opinion, is to look back and say, wow, what a ride. That it was worth the waiting in line and the price of admission.
Someone asked me whether I wanted to be a famous writer. I said nope, the glory can all go to God. I don’t say that with a holler than thou attitude, maybe a bit tinged with resignation and resentment, but it’s about something else – likely the faith that nothing is wasted. There have been some very famous writers who have had unhappy ends – Hemingway, Plath, David Foster Wallace. And this is true of any vocation or profession – the whys are more important than the whats.
It’s not applicable to all events but I realized I needed something from many of the places I’ve been – especially in unexpected and trying times. It only became clear much later on many occasions. My faith teaches that all things work out for good, even and especially those meant for harm.
And also, a bit under the radar, the seemingly trivial and mundane. I once had this job in college where I was pretty much an administrative assistant. It had no connection with my major or planned career path. In fact, it happened the summer before my senior year. It only occurred to me recently why I had that job – it was for a recommendation for law school as I worked for my academic advisor. I went to a large state school and didn’t know many professors personally. That job was also a last minute audible because the one I was set for couldn’t take me as I was still a non-citizen at that time. Mysterious ways and maybe belief.
I now think that the destination is set and the path is the variable. Not the other way around. What and how we choose determines the color and tone of the eventual outcome. Eowyn had this brilliant classmate in pre K whom I asked whether time is a river. He said it only appeared that way to some. I asked when he would start his company so I could work for him and he could also marry my daughter.
The senior pastor of the church I grew up in was considered a star in the Chinese Christian community, even being termed the Chinese Billy Graham. He built a reputation for himself and the church. He did a lot of good – no one can take that from him.
He was also a bully. No one really stood up to him and his behavior for a long time. They are complicit in his misdeeds. This plays out every day in many places. Fortune favors the bold but cowards live a long time.
This one is about rain falling on everyone.
Recently, someone told me that his wife had Alzheimer’s and he was struggling with that. I now understand why God says He takes no pleasure in the suffering of anyone. It almost feels that present challenges amplify any prior experiences – good or bad. A bit like Poe’s Telltale Heart.
When I first arrived in Philadelphia, there were only two Asian male DAs in the city, including yours truly. It was difficult. My class was competitive and there were more than one jerkoffs. As I’ve previously written, I broke the arm of one of them during a pickup basketball game. I later found out he experienced a tragedy years later. I told my high school music teacher about this and we both nodded in agreement when I said that part about the rain falling on all of us.
And in my own life. I may as well have been Noah. There’s this anecdote that’s supposed to be inspirational. Fate, the devil, or someone whispers to a warrior or whoever that he or she can’t withstand the storm. To which the reply is – I am the storm. I get this sentiment at times and it isn’t entirely incorrect or inappropriate but it also feels like bravado at times. I think it’s more of God still being in control of the storm and the rain that falls. Rain also brings new life. The rain does fall on all of us and it can have different consequences.
Yet, I did have some moments that I was the storm. It’s still there.
Songs of Pain and Hope 