There’s this dish in my parents’ hometown of Malacca in Malaysia – Oh Chien – loosely translated as oyster omelette.  It is actually a bastardized version of a Taiwanese dish made with eggs, flour, vegetables, and oysters.  Unlike the original, the Malaysian version uses different ingredients, substituting rock oysters for the traditional ones.  The Malaysian version also doesn’t look as pretty.  In fact, it looks like random ingredients jammed together without rhyme or reason.  It is also delicious.  A bit of an acquired taste but you know what they say – once you go Malaysian you’ve reached your destination.  How’s that – girl I lit the candles for?  Look a little deeper, we surprise.  At least this one does.

This one is about looking deeper and more closely.  At situations, facts, people.  The fields I was in heavily prized the surface.  And it is costly.  For so many involved.

I often wonder why we don’t.  It’s not really about intelligence but something else.  Maybe maturity.  It takes that to see properly and also have the patience and curiosity to inquire.  I often say that many rarely asked me what and why.  The funny or not so funny thing is that even when I try to tell the real stories and story, some don’t want to know. 

Tolkien writes – All that is gold does not glitter.  Not all who wander are lost.   

I’d add that all that glitters isn’t gold – as in the fraudulent sense and all who appear found are really lost.  Hell, most if not all of us are in one way or the other.  We just don’t like to admit it.  The key is to admit it.  That’s how we are found.  I teach the kids that we don’t find God or grace or whatever rather than He or it finds us.  Often in unexpected and messy ways.  

It took me quite a while to learn how to cook oh chien.  In my opinion, the Malaysian version is actually harder to perfect than the Taiwanese one even though it looks way uglier.  A strange phenomenon perhaps but also profound in a way.  

Don’t look before you laugh 

Look ugly in a photograph 

Flashbulbs, purple irises

The camera can’t see 

I’ve seen you walk unafraid

I’ve seen you in the clothes you’ve made 

Can you see the beauty I have inside of me?

There’s this gang tattoo that has a smiling face next to a crying one.  It is commonly referred to as smile now, cry later.  My friend who was a gang officer and expert knows how to explain its meaning a lot better than I can but it has something to do with the nature of life.  Among other things.

This one is about carrying our crosses.

My faith is based around the symbol of the cross and the crucified Jesus.  We are taught to carry our own crosses and be crucified with Him.  What that exactly means I’ll leave to better theological minds and frequent church goers.  I have my own ideas but haven’t fleshed them out completely.  Not sure I ever will.

But this is about the whole question of why would anyone in their right mind want to carry a cross and face, if not a literal then at least a figurative tortured death.  It sounds like pure insanity and foolishness.  Until maybe one thinks a bit more. 

I tried not to think too much about cost-benefit ratios much in my life – education, jobs, relationships, etc.  Don’t get me wrong, I am highly analytical but at some point, I ran on faith, instinct, and intuition – damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead, all in all out.  That’s also how my daughter is – running head on, head down.  Come what may.  But I recently realized that one thing I was really poor at was identifying the hidden costs and benefits.  I could see the apparent ones well but not so much what lay behind the curtain.  Live and learn.

I ask what is the benefit of carrying one’s cross.  That’s not an easy one – the church answer is in the vicinity of something like salvation and exchanging it for a crown.  Likely true and costly.  As I teach my kids, no cross, no crown.  You don’t need to share my faith to see how that works in other life situations.  The parallel question, however, is what happens when you choose not to go the cross-crucifixion route.  On the surface, it looks like an amazing choice.  But the hidden costs.  Again, no theologian here but my gut says – you’ll end up empty, with nothing.  Like the tattoo – smile now, cry later.

I’ve previously written about this absolutely intelligent and beautiful girl who was talking to me when I was in law school.  Did I mention she was rich too?  My daughter says dad are you a gold digger?  She did not believe that a loving God would send anyone to hell.  All that aside, hell is probably not what it’s depicted like in popular culture but my guess is that it’s pretty bad.  I often casually say that so and so should go to hell but if I really think about it, it’s cruel.  Watching anyone suffer, even someone you hate, is not pleasant, even painful.  It’s not my place to determine who goes to hell – but if the classic doctrine is followed, that cross-crucifixion thing gets really important.  And even without the potential eternal consequences, there are likely temporal ones.

Smile now, cry later. 

I was going to write about my daughter at 2 learning the lyrics to We Will Rock You and some age inappropriate Pearl Jam song (Once).

Instead, I realized I wanted to write about Ash, the porcupine, from the Sing franchise.  I really like her!  Short, feisty, full of spirit, strong willed, passionate guitar player (voiced by Scarlett Johansson, also not bad).  A lot like the girl I lit the candles for.

Ash’s backstory is inspirational.  Cheated on by her porcupine boyfriend with Becky, another porcupine, she dumps him, realizes he’s been holding her back, and she becomes somewhat great.

There’s a scene in Sing 2 where she’s standing alone with her guitar and starts singing the opening verse to U2’s I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For.  The crowd sings along.  And then Clay, the lion (voiced by Bono), who is still mourning his wife, unexpectedly joins her on stage.

That song wasn’t one of my favorites.  Sandwiched between Where the Streets Have No Name and With or Without You on the Joshua Tree album, I would often just press skip.

The Sing 2 version though is transcendent.  Ash basically is leading a worship service with it.

I have climbed highest mountains

Only to be with You

I have run through the fields only to be with You

I have kissed honey lips

Felt the healing in her fingertips

I believe in the Kingdom come

When all the colors will bleed into one

But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for

I once had the honor and privilege of working with the most decorated soldier in South Vietnamese history.  Silver Star, Bronze Star, Vietnamese Medal of Honor.  5’4″ 120 lbs, a giant of a man.  12 years in a VietCong  prison in the jungle, many in solitary confinement.  Allowed to see his wife 15 minutes a year.  His name shows up in the history books – Cau Le, look him up, the articles do him better justice than my words can.

The other Vietnamese soldier I would like to write about fought for the North, General Vo Nguyen Giáp.  

I used to keep a collection of strategic texts at work as references and also as a warning for those who wanted to mess with me (I did read most of them).  Sometimes, I would even leave the exact stratagem or tactic I would use on my desk in plain view (highlighted many times) as a deterrent to others.  I knew people liked to snoop.  At some point, I decided to keep only the essentials around (Jesuit discernment, Taoist texts, Boyd).  

And a copy of Giáp’s biography.  I knew this raised eyebrows in an office filled with patriotic types.  My captain, who did like me, was intrigued and puzzled.

Giáp was truly a master strategist.  With no formal military training (a lawyer and teacher by trade), he defeated the French, Americans, and Chinese (indirectly).  All of whom were militarily and financially superior.

He understood the concept of not playing someone else’s game.  That you have to understand your resources and know how to deploy them.  To understand your enemy.  The primacy of moral and psychological warfare.  That losing many times doesn’t matter, so long as you win at the end.

At the Paris Peace Accords, a US general told a North Vietnamese diplomat that every major battle was lost by the North.  The diplomat replies “So?  Who’s signing here today?”

Many examples outside of war and politics.

Learned a lot from both men.

When I found out I was to be admitted to the hospital, I felt relief.  At the least, I’d be taken care of.  When they told me it may be cancer, I said to myself – ok, I’m ready.  I was exhausted.  One of the nurses said I had high pain tolerance, anyone else would have been screaming but I was still cracking jokes.  All those years working in industrial labs, tough positions, and assorted experiences counted for something.

The first person I shared a room with was a bit difficult.  He watched TV the whole night at a high volume.  His wife and a church member visited and would pray.  Once I just said – Ma’am that’s a great praye – so they asked me my name so they could pray for me too.  The next person was a pastor so we joked about being there together.  The third one was angry.  He accused nurses of trying to kill him.  No – they were just trying to give him injections.  

But God or the universe has good timing.  Shortly thereafter, I got moved to an intermediate care unit where the care was somewhat better.  When I got returned, I only stayed a few more days.

What’s this all about?

I think it’s still about surrender.

There’s this priest I like – Fr. Mike Schmitz.  He says that surrender is giving God access to your life – good, bad, and all the in-betweens.  After the hospital, I also started to use this app – Hallow.  They had good YouTube commercials. 

The most powerful segments were the Surrender Novena that teaches us to let God take care of everything.  This does not mean doing nothing but rather allowing God to do something.

I realize there are roughly two ways in which I can live.  Use what I have to get what I need or want, or allow God to use those same skills and experiences to accomplish the same things.  

It sounds similar.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

This one is about allowing God in.

U2’s guitarist said that they were below average musicians who asked God to give them His songs.  He did.  When you listen to their early albums, you can hear their talent but they haven’t mastered their instruments.  Some of the play is sloppy – especially the bassist who is arguably the least talented musically of the group.

But those songs have endured.

The one I constantly listen to and quote is 40, their rendition of the Davidic Psalm.

I’ve learned this many times in my life.  Sometimes all you can do is wait.

But it is worth it.

I waited patiently for the Lord 

He inclined and heard my cry

He lift me up out of the pit

Our of the miry clay

He set my feet upon a rock

Make my footsteps firm

Many will see 

Many will see and hear 

Yet how long to sing this song?

(From the Indiana years)

“I look at you all, see the love there that’s sleeping 

While my guitar gently weeps…

I don’t know why nobody told you how to unfold your love 

I don’t know how someone controlled you 

They bought and sold you… 

Look at you all… 

Still my guitar gently weeps…”

I had this song playing in my head this morning.  Harrison was my favorite Beatle, probably because we play the same instrument.  I like the imagery of the guitar weeping; it expresses compassion rather than a judgmental tone in the lyrics.   

An older Harrison had a certain quality of brokenness and mellowness to older musicians.  Even a sense of peace.  I think Cobain, Morrison, Hendrix, Joplin, Bonham checked out too early.  There is nothing quite like playing in front of others.  Just like Bob Seger’s lines “Every ounce of energy, you try to give away… As the sweat pours out your body like the music that you play…  Later in the evening, as you lie awake in bed… With the echoes of the amplifiers ringing in your head…  You smoke the days last cigarette…  Remembering what she said…”

(From the Indiana years)

“I met a girl who sang the blues and I asked her for some happy news.  But she just smiled and turned away…”

She was special on stage and also in life, contrary to what others thought.  You could definitely hear the pain and angst when Janis Joplin sang, a true epitome of a blues singer.  The account that sticks out to me most about her life occurred shortly before she died.  

Joplin grew up in a small town in Texas where she was labeled an outcast in her high school.  People who would go on to accomplish so much less in life than her derided and made her feel worthless and lonely as a teenager.  Joplin would eventually become one of the legends in rock music.  At the height of her success, Joplin decided to return to her hometown for her ten-year high school reunion where she thought she would finally receive the respect and love that she longed for all those years.    

Sadly, circumstances may change, but people often don’t.  Joplin returned home only to find that people still treated her poorly.  Her high school classmates hardly acknowledged her even though she had eclipsed them in fame, wealth, and success.  To them, she was still an outcast.  One of her friends chronicles how Joplin staggered the streets of her hometown drunk after failing to quieten her inner demons.  A few months later, she dies of a heroin overdose after an unsuccessful attempt to numb her pain and loneliness in a hotel room.  She once said that she would make love to 25,000 people on stage and still go home alone.   

All that is gold does not glitter.

(From the Indiana years)

Well I’ll never be a stranger and I’ll never be alone 

Wherever we’re together, that’s my home. 

Home could be the Pennsylvania Turnpike 

Indiana’s early morning dew 

High up in the hills of California 

Home is just another word for you. – Billy Joel 

They played this song this weekend at my friends’ wedding.  The lyrics had a meaningful connection to the members of the bridal party.  They both met in Indiana.  My best friend in law school, who was also a groomsman, also met his wife and a bridesmaid, in Indiana.  Both of them moved to the West Coast after the wedding.  My friend’s family lives in New Jersey/Delaware and he uses the Pennsylvania Turnpike quite a bit.  I was a groomsman and use that road to go back to Maryland.  We were also in the West Coast this past winter for our the other wedding.  

Although one of the most difficult roads to drive due to winding, narrow lanes, high truck traffic, long distances between exits, and constant roadwork, the Pennsylvania Turnpike goes through some of the most magnificent stretches in the Pennsylvania countryside.  You will see mountains, valleys, farmland, animals.  In the winter, the snow hanging off the mountain trees is spectacular.  As I drove back this last time from Indiana, I felt a sense of love for my future home state.  I hope to play this song again in a few years with my friends there.

Who is my home?

In Boston, I attended a pretty well-known church.  It was filled with extremely intelligent, highly educated, well-to-do attendees.

Some of them were even nice.

Every Sunday was well-choreographed.  I would sometimes hold an imaginary lighter to the sky when the band played modern renditions of hymns that had no discernible melody to sing to.  At times, I couldn’t control laughing because I couldn’t understand what the pastor was saying.  He used a lot of big words and made less-than-funny jokes.

I would also play an imaginary drinking game during sermons when I would take a “shot” every time the pastor said the words “God” or “Jesus.”  Over a several week period, no “shots” were taken.

This was also the church where I started and led an unofficial men’s group for two years.  And got totally ignored.  And where the guy in the group abusing his wife got nominated to be a deacon.  The pastor was eventually let go for financial shenanigans and abuse of authority.  As Good Will Hunting would put it, how do you like them apples?

Wealth protects children.  No way around it.  Half my family was poor – Third World style.  The generational effects are tremendous and long-lasting.  Money doesn’t just talk, it screams and curses.

But wealth can also make you stupid.  While I did teach a goodly number of kids from difficult backgrounds, I also taught those from wealthy ones as well.  Most were actually very decent people, they had grounded parents.  Some not so much.  I felt sorry for them.  I did enjoy looking at their sports cars.  Wealth is one of those U-shapes curve phenomena.  Too little or too much can be harmful.

Once upon a time, this rich self-centered corporate lawyer told me patronizingly that while I didn’t get paid much, I had a lot of stories.  I didn’t think much of that statement at the time.  But now it makes more sense.

I started telling mt kids my stories.  Primarily so they could know me better.  Somewhere along the way, I realized and told them that this is how I am protecting them.  The stories give them a framework to handle various situations that come their way.  Life trained me well.

And beyond those, that law enforcement network I built up over the years.  That is not a story.  That is also their shield.  In addition to Jesus, they can wash sins away.