But we all know who wins in this world.  The selfish, conniving, petty, ignoble, vicious.

Until they don’t.

There’s this Psalm, the 73rd one.  Unlike most of the rest, this one wasn’t written by David but by Asaph, a court advisor.  He describes how evil seens to triumph and how he has washed his hands in innocence.  How angry and disappointed he was in God.

But when he enters the sanctuary of God, he realizes their ultimate end – destination.

The Psalm concludes – Whom have I in heaven but God?  And earth has nothing I desire but Him.

One of my favorite U2 songs is All I Want Is You.  I used to scribble the lyrics on my Calculus homework and my teacher was quite amused.  It is a gorgeous haunting song.  I used to tell my musician friend that it is about God as much as it is about a human.

All the promises we make

From the cradle to the grave

When I all I want is Y

I once asked the girl I lit the candles for which Star Wars character I reminded her of.  She replied Yoda and Anakin.  The former because I taught and the latter because I went for what I wanted.  Perceptive.  But probably not quite on point.  My college students did hum the Imperial March when I entered the classroom.

The one character I identify with is actually a relatively minor one – Count Dooku.  While technically a Sith, he is there because he is fed up with the bureaucracy of the governing order and the Jedi sworn to uphold and defend it.  His lightsaber is uniquely curved and his ship is a library – reflecting his old soul.  While on the dark side, he still possesses an elegant nobility and sense of justice.  Very much like Javert or Rommel.

A church leader said he couldn’t quite put his finger on what I believed.  It is gray because life is like that.  My favorite character in the HBO classic series, The Wire, chronicling the drug war, isn’t one of the law enforcement characters, but Stringer Bell, the second in command of the drug cartel.

Anyways, each Jedi has to build his or her own lightsaber.  The color of the blade differs and can reflect the personality of the bearer.  The Sith’s are traditionally red to reflect unchecked emotion.  Luke Skywalker’s original one was white but his new one is green, possibly signaling growth or maturity after losing a hand while battling his father.  I wondered whst the color of mine would be.

I thought it would be something that mirrored my own ambivalence about many causes.  Purple, grey, orange.  Or a dark blue to reflect the law enforcement side which I truly believed in.

The color, however, that comes to mind – possibly from God – is interesting and something that did not occur to me immediately.

Gold.

I turned 30 in Boston, the summer before my second year there. I rarely wrote outside of my academic and professional obligations until the past few years. Over that period, I became a father of two amazing children. Much of what I wrote was about them and my hopes, dreams, vision for their lives. This period also coincided with my service with the NYPD – a true honor and privilege to be a part of a historic and storied institution.

This one is from those years.

My daughter and I had a father-daughter breakfast this morning after a tough day yesterday at her out-of-school activities.  Among various topics we discussed were the relationship between chess and soccer, how parents and children are continously growing into their roles, and why the best player isn’t necessarily the best leader.  

The last topic was generated by her out of nowhere.  She said that being a leader is always doing the right thing and being a leader is hard. 

On our walk to church, I then told her that leadership is among the most difficult things to do, if not the most.  That some people would not be grateful and even hate her.  I also told her that at times, God wouldn’t seem to care as well, but she should still try do the right thing regardless.  She replied that is what leaders have to do.  In my mind, I felt a mixture of emotions – sadness, pride.  And Alan Moore’s line “Not even in the face of Armageddon.”

(From the Boston years)

“You got a dream, you gotta protect it. People can’t do something themselves, they wanna tell you that you can’t do it. You want something? Go get it. Period.” 

The words of too many people have filled my heart with the determination to accomplish what I know is mine by right and destiny.  Contrary to what some have said, it’s not about proving others wrong; they are not even worthy of my consideration to have their opinions be examined.  It’s all about becoming, growing, and claiming my unique image and imprint of God.  In sum, it’s about proving God right, not others wrong.

(From the Indiana years)

One of my favorite scenes from Harper Lee’s To Kill a Mockingbird occurs when Calpurnia, the African-American servant of Atticus Finch, describes how she learned to read.  People automatically assume that she learned from reading the Bible, but she replies that she learned to read from Sir William Blackstone’s Commentaries on the Laws of England.  Aside from the subtle criticism of religious fundamentalists, this scene is profound. 

For those of you unfamiliar with that text, the Commentaries is arguably the greatest legal text ever written.  It greatly influenced the jurisprudence (legal philosophy) of the United States and that of other countries.  Judges over the ages have granted great deference to Blackstone’s ideas on how the law is to shape society. 

When Blackstone wrote the Commentaries (they were originally lectures), however, he was considered to be a failure.  He was a fat and unsuccessful thirty year old lawyer at the time.  When he delivered the lectures for the first time, he acknowledged that he was of no consequence.  

I like the scene about Calpurnia from To Kill a Mockingbird because it cautions against presumptions.  That point can also be made about Blackstone.  Sir Ian McKellen (Gandalf, Magneto), stated recently that at the age of 64, he is finally in the prime of his life and that there is no need to fret about when or whether things will happen.  Tolkien appropriately concludes, “All that is gold does not glitter; Not all who wander are lost…” 

I managed to retrieve writing from a 5 year period that covered my last year of law school in Indiana to the end of my first year in Boston where I was earning my PhD. Most importantly, that period covered the time I served in Philadelphia as an Assistant DA or prosecutor – one of the most formative and proudest periods of my life. I will post some of them. They are from a younger version of me but may have some value. I ask forgiveness for any immaturity or unripe thoughts.

This one is from my DA years.

I was asked recently what my career path looks like.  This is my answer. 

Today, I am a Philadelphia Assistant District Attorney. Tomorrow, if I am still breathing, I will be a Philadelphia Assistant District Attorney, In all likelihood, next week and next year, I will be a Philadelphia Assistant District Attorney. 

With my brother and sister prosecutors: I am the voice of the victim and the powerless. I am the voice of the City and the Commonwealth. I pick up the broken pieces of society. I fight winnable battles in an unwinnable war. I am the Dutch boy plugging a leaky dyke. I am an imperfect man seeking perfect justice in a flawed system, but I know this is a dream – while I retain some idealism, I also am realistic. So while tomorrow may be another story, today I am a Philadelphia Assistant District Attorney.  

And I know He smiles on me. 

Quo vadis, Domine?

The above are the names of two animals I adopted as totems to guide me through life – the Malaysian tiger and the Malaccan mousedeer.

The tiger is the national animal of my homeland.  Representing strength, fierceness, courage.  Our national soccer team’s uniform is yellow with black stripes, with our trademark never say die attitude.  On some iterations of the team’s jersey, the following verse from our national anthem is printed – “Tanah Tumpahnya Darahku” translated as “My blood spills on the ground” and referring to a Malaysian newborn’s blood hitting the earth of his or her homeland.  These words to me are the most powerful in our anthem and get me every time.  The best jungle fighters in the world.  The only country in history to wage a successful counterinsurgency campaign through the winning of hearts and minds.  In my sadder moments, I tell myself a wounded tiger is still a tiger.

The mousedeer is the state animal of my parents’ hometown, Malacca.  A famous trading port colonized by the Portuguese, Dutch, and the British, it is known for the intelligence of its citizens.  Legend has it that a prince was resting by a river when his two hunting dogs cornered a mousedeer, a small animal.  The mousedeer lures the dogs to the side of the river and kicks them in.  Recognizing this as a good omen, the prince establishes his state there.  Courage and intelligence over raw strength.  Attributes I tried to emulate.

He hiorganizational issues in Twitter like posts.  Once, I “won” the Teaching Award as a PhD student (over the regular and adjunct faculty – was voted the award but technically couldn’t receive it

I told my high school Spanish teacher that our students loved us because we loved them.  Other professors would ask for my syllabi, lesson plans, lectures, etc.  They didn’t get it.  Teaching has its place for creativity, intelligence, planning.

But it’s about the heart.  Corazon.

Another teacher who coached my friend on the wrestling team taught that you go out there alone, but your team is behind you.  Powerful and profound.

I learned kindness from my good teachers.  I was gracious and kind to those who were vulnerable and anxious.  Taught many students from difficult backgrounds – poverty, neglect, abuse, even one who was homeless.  A good number became cops, prosecutors, teachers, and other decent members of society.

As to the arrogant ones (including the entitled subordinates I had in NYC), I was just ok.  No one is perfect.

We are all somehow walking each other to a better place or home.  Yet, there are threads of grace and destiny.  Often imperceptible.  I taught my daughter to be like water.  Water cannot be destroyed.  She said it can evaporate.  I replied, yes, but it’s still there.  You can’t see or feel it, but you know.

I got caned a lot.  Many times unnecessarily and for no real good reason.  For those unfamiliar, it was with a rattan cane.  The thinner and more frayed, the more damage and pain it inflicts.

It is our way – the Malaysian way.

We are harsh and tough motherfuckers at times.  

King Kong ain’t got shit on us per Denzel in Training Day.

The key to surviving the caning is not to fear or dread the stroke.  Or tense up – definitely not this.  The correct approach is to relax oneself, welcome, and even embrace what is coming.  That is really the only way to make it through.

Per Eddieb Vedder, this all made me wise but I don’t have to give thanks or apologize.

When I reflect on the many times I faced bigger, stronger, smarter, etc opponents, I recall these moments and remember I’m in all likelihood, tougher than they were.  

Life is often about how much you can endure at some point.  

My faith teaches that by stripes we are healed.  There is truth and wisdom to that saying.

And King Kong.   

That part resonates.