The stories I’ve sent and told you were costly. But it would have been costlier not to have lived them out. I tried to live honestly and freely. Despite the loneliness and pain, there was honor in doing if this way. The grace and love are found in the gaps and seams of life. They are often moments stolen from the struggle and fear that surrounds us. 

Because I had so much fear, I leaned to be brave. So much stupidity, I sought wisdom. So inexperienced, I traveled and searched for it. And I found some of all of those. I did not receive much wealth, power (in the way people define it), or fame. Not even the stability and security I desired. What I received was something else. I still haven’t pinpointed what it exactly is but I think it’s a combination of knowledge, experience, impact, students, friends, pride. All I couldn’t leave behind. 

From a song – all the beatings  made me wise. But I’m not about to give thanks or apologize. A lot of the tough things I faced shouldn’t have happened. But they did. And the beauty of it all is I learned and grew. Tried to use what I learned to make things better. The song goes on – saw things so much clearer once you were in my rearviewmirror. It is about the author’s abusive father and how he escaped from his orbit. 

I don’t think this area or world will really see or appreciate who I am. Will I ever make peace with that? I don’t know and I also don’t care as much. 

I often think of the ocean. It has spoken to me ever since I was a child. The waves are comforting as they crash infinitely against the shore. They wash away everything in their path – sand castles, footprints, even the remnants of the prior waves. I like to think these are memory erasing waves because to some extent, we all need it. There are some memories that need to be forgotten – and they are often not what you might imagine they would be. 

As I may have mentioned, I do not like sand. But I love the rocks on the beach. In Maine especially, the coastline is rocky and it is truly a sight to behold. There is tremendous peace being surrounded by this environment. And the lighthouses. So lonely but strong in their presence and what they provide.

I will remember these scenes in my dying moments. I often think what would flash before my eyes – it would be a collage of all the things I was privileged to experience. Even the bad memories somehow become a part of an overall good story.

I was just talking to a very old friend from high school. I told him about how I’m writing you and how unexpected and surprising it was because you and I don’t have a lot of professional or personal overlap in terms of direct experiences. 

But it dawned on me why God would lead me to at least writing you the more in depth recollections. It’s because if someone had more or a commonality in one area, they would tend to look at me primarily or heavily through that lens. The fact you dont have that makes it easier in some ways to get the fuller picture across.

I know you’re Cantonese. 

One can tell. I won’t say more. But you can tell.

So there’s this legendary Hong Kong singer, Anita Mui, who touched and inspired many with her songs, life, and example. She died at the young age of 40 but what a life she lived. I watched two biopics of her life and read a bit on her. 

She sang from an early age in nightclubs with her mother in order to make a living. After somehow getting noticed, she makes it to the point where she is considered the Madonna of the East, where at one point I believe she had a concert in the UK. 

Tragically, she is diagnosed with ovarian cancer in her late 30s. Because she clings on to her dream of having kids, she refuses surgery. The treatment she receives is ineffective and upon realizing she will die, is not only accepting but even embraces her fate with characteristic defiance and courage. 

She holds a series of farewell concerts. In her closing song, she wears a wedding dress that she specially commissioned for the occasion with a famous designer. Unable to find lasting love, she decides to marry the stage. In her last speech, she exhorts those listening to not have any regrets. 

She then performs her very last song – aptly the Song of Sunset. 

After she concludes, she kisses the stage, walks up a set of red carpeted stairs, and before exiting the arena, turns around and says goodbye one last time. She dies shortly thereafter.  

Her singing voice is exactly like yours. 

Song of Sunset 

Sunset appears to have no limit but its radiance only lasts a short while gradually disappearing with the rosy clouds the brilliant rays once extinguished will not return 

Year by year, month by month it’s difficult to endure the transformations of life that are like the clouds that congregate then scatter intertwisting on this weary face 

On the endless road, suddenly aware of the dimming light happiness is brief and will never return who has insight that I wish to live an ordinary life? 

Having encountered countless stormy trials that swept me into a whirlwind of mirage and dream Having experience being wrapped in your sincere arms accompany me through adversities and sufferings 

This hasty life causes me to become dispirited with the path still long full of twists and turns one day I think of returning, but it’s already too late 

On the endless road, suddenly aware of the dimming light happiness is brief and will never return who has insight that I wish to live an ordinary life? 

This hasty life causes me to become dispirited with the path still long full of twists and turns one day I think of returning, but it’s already too late 

Heaven birthed me as a lonely person thus I possess a gloomy heart  

Maybe I look that way, but I’ve had colleagues think I was stupid and weak. Maybe it’s the Asian stereotype or the fact I won’t win any beauty contests. At one of my jobs, I’d walk around with a blank notepad. And I got talked to by my boss for not taking notes and paying attention. Another colleague remarked to others that I was useless.

Well, secretly I had multiple notebooks filled with observations. About work and those surrounding me. And then put a plan into motion.

This society doesn’t really do introverts all that well. I used to joke to my students that the university didn’t really want a serious teacher but a circus performer.

It was only when my colleague, also an introvert and an experienced officer pointed out what I was really doing when people wised up and was more careful.

The worst part of all this I tried to warn people. I placed a good portion of my strategic texts on my desk. Did they not think I actually studied them?

And I also knew some psychological warfare and how to use misinformation. I’d often talk loudly so the ones I wanted to listen in would spread what I said. I generally do not like lying and want to play it straight but I was trained in this sort of thing.

While I worship the one and true living God, I am familiar with His competition – the four faced god of lies.

But that’s all behind me for now. Before I entered my field, I originally envisioned planting a vegetable garden, which the “nudge from God” has attempted to grow.

Call me weak and stupid. I’d rather live that way now. They can keep everything else.

I told a friend last year that I tried to be a sheepdog rather rather a wolf or sheep. My son said that he’d like to be a sheep. I can’t remember why but he’s a perceptive kid who’s way smarter than his old man, so J listens. Recently, I taught him what I learned in Philadelphia – snitches get stitches. To my surprise, he got it immediately. I thought he would at least ask what that actually meant but I was impressed.

Anyway, I told my friend that I was probably the slowest sheepdog out there. He responded that may have been very true but I was the fiercest one.

Give them nothing, take from them everything.

My daughter said her brother was slow, like me.

But I think this can be a strength. People move too fast and it’s costly. Even if you want action, the best things can take time to mature and develop – food, wine, art, friendship, faith.

The many times incompetent idiots I has the dishonor and displeasure of serving with and under often moved quickly without much reflection. With disastrous consequences that resonate till today.

In the hospital, the doctors thankfully chose the slow heal approach versus the aggressive quick solution, which would have resulted in quicker pain alleviation but longer term damage. The key is to be patient and trust that the medicine flowing through your veins isn’t just water.

And so it is with the other less seen factors in life – grace and faith at the forefront.

They do their work.

Surely.

Fiercely.

Slowly.

(John)

It’s a human sign
When things go wrong
When the scent of her lingers
And temptation’s strong

Cold, cold heart
Hardened by you
Some things look better, baby
Just passin’ through

And I think it’s gonna be a long, long time
‘Til touchdown brings me ’round again to find
I’m not the man they think I am at home
And this is what I should have said
Well, I thought it, but I kept it hid

A high school friend and I discussed our respective journeys. Also his entitled jerk of a cousin who looked down on both of us and is now a super rich doctor married to another doctor. Because there either isn’t a just God or one who has some massively brilliant moves up His sleeve.

In any case, the arc of the universe aside, we made ourselves feel better by saying that the poets of old wrote about people who took great journeys with accompanying hardships, not rich doctor types. I mean how many epic poems are about anesthesiologistss, accountants, consultants, and lawyers. Not too many.

Nothing wrong with those professions, but the stories are told about people like Odysseus who either choose or are forced to take the hero’s or heroine’s journey – one filled with obstacles, doubt, fear but also great sights, beauty, and adventure.   I told him that mine almost killed me.  He said that what would have really killed me was if I had never taken it.

The thing about the Odyssey is also this. Not a surprising insight, but the long journey he takes prepares him for his destiny and goal of reclaiming his kingdom, reuniting with his family. For context, Odysseus was away from his home for 10 years before he began his trip home. During that period, his kingdom was overrun by traitorous types who wanted his throne and wife. I’ve realized it’s very possible that he would have had a difficult and even impossible opportunity to return successfully, even with his army behind him. As I’ve stated and learned, external enemies are much easier to fight than internal ones. The enemy within is the deadliest and it’s the hidden balde that hurts the most.

The journey prepares him.

Already a brilliant man, he develops endurance, fortitude, and acquires more wisdom. All of which he needs to win out, which he does Tom Brady style.

Another thing I noticed was the limited role of Athena, the goddess of wisdom and Odysseus’ patron higher power. She doesn’t really intervene all that much during the additional decade he takes to reach home.

I have reflected on the possible reasons behind that and aside from letting him grow and develop, it’s more than that. I think she only helps when it makes a difference. And she is wicked smart about it.

At the end, she disguises him as an old man so he can infiltrate his palace and with the help of his now adult son, takes care of business Tarantino style.

You must trust the path, the process. I took the kids to a play about a girl who has to navigate her way home through a dangerous forest with goblins. Her grandmother gives her this either difficult to perceive or invisible thread to guide her home. Grandma tells her that when it’s the scariest and darkest, it’s when she must trust where the thread is leading – home.

And that’s wheee the love is found.

It just takes a hell of a journey to get there.

While there are many people who did not know how to love me in the way I needed, there were those who did. And I am grateful for that. They came from unexpected sources. I needed people to point out the good about me. That obviously didn’t come much from family and church. But it did come from others. And that is enough. I could again yearn for things I didn’t receive or he thankful for those I did, and may receive in the future. 

So it’s true that I had a lot of cracked pieces. Some were horrendously cracked and there’s really no defense for all that. But I’m also realizing that without the cracks, we don’t reach our path or destiny or plan or whatever you want to call it. I complain how I didn’t have many smooth patches. It is true. But I also understand now that if I had received what I “wanted” I also wouldn’t have gotten the journey. If my family were any better or stable, I probably never leave Maryland. Nothing wrong with staying. But it would have been different. 

I did meet some pretty questionable people. And yes they are hurtful. But again, without them, I wouldn’t have moved on to the next stop. It also occurred to me that sometimes what we think of as desirable really isn’t. I have family that have lived pretty sheltered lives. Lots of wealth and comfort. On the surface, it looks great but you never know. But even if things were utterly good, I’m not sure that’s a great outcome either. A life in a bubble is safe and comfortable but at the end, there are drawbacks. There are potential regrets about not experiencing more. 

I’ve gotten a wide range of responses. Most people are well meaning but at some point, people can only give you what they can give. I could get angry or be thankful. Also I realize I need to be compassionate. Everyone is hurting in their own way and copes with it differently. I received the journey that was right for me. And although I had crappy cards, I also had amazing ones. Somehow they all work together. If I had mostly amazing cards, I’d have been more comfortable but would have experienced and learned less. If I had the opposite, that would have been bad too. 

One of the recurring themes in the Bible is how God transforms what was meant for evil into good. This is the miracle. My parents were extremely unstable. The silver lining of all that is it taught me to handle a ton. They were horrible with money. They did everything in the cheapest way possible to the point of hurting me at times. That taught me to go with less and do more with what I have. Which I had to do in my jobs. Also this – hurt people hurt people. It is true of all of us. 

I understand a lot. That was my gift. But I don’t understand it all. And that’s a good thing. Healing is a goal but it is not the main one. That it is still about the destiny God has for us. I don’t know how all that works exactly but I don’t have to. Another good thing.