I also think if people can’t understand, which is expected, at least not misunderstand. I realize after talking to others is that they often just project what they are dealing with on me. I always thought many things through. Even at work, I had legal pads filled with what I thought out to come to solutions.
But I knew when I was beaten. And this was it. In the past, I could always maneuver or fight my way out. This time I couldn’t. It was all too much finally. I broke.
I remember going to Bible study at church and would get judged for being “immature.” I would tell stories about my turtles and sing songs about my cat. They had no idea what I had seen to that point. It wasn’t until I have a testimony outlining my life when they realized I was a lot different than what they thought.
This was about finding peace. There were just a lot of chaotic moments. It wasn’t about wealth, power, or fame. None of those things appealed much to me. Learning yes, I think that was also a big factor. Pain was always a constant but I could harness and transform it pretty well. Until I couldn’t.
What solves this isn’t answers, I don’t need or want them. I can figure out why things happened the way they did. What solves this is love. As unconditional as humanly possible. A wise, compassionate, stubborn love – that maybe only God can provide.
My high school Spanish teacher, who is like a mom to me, said it was good I didn’t describe myself as ambitious. She said that while a little ambition is good, a man or woman who is ambitious isn’t good. She is correct.
It is not about ambition. It is about the dreaming.
The girl from the bubble tea shop asked me what was the difference between the two. Although I haven’t pinpointed the exact reasons, I described ambition as grasping, with clenched fists and dreaming as receiving, with open hands.
I’m all too familiar with ambitious people. They really gum things up. Especially in positions of authority and influence. I’ll wave at them when they end up where they deserve to be – the varsity hell or junior varsity heck.
I once thought I wanted a high position. To make change, achieve legitimacy, protect others. I’m pretty sure I’ll never get that nor do I want to anymore. I did have the opportunity to advise folks in those positions and honestly, I didn’t like what I saw many times.
What they did to get there, who they were, what they did when they got there. So many were there because of wealth, race, games, etc. But as to actual leadership skill and acumen, I would sometimes joke that they couldn’t lead us to the bathroom.
I was a dreamer but not ambitious enough. Maybe that saved my soul.
That nudge from God. It wasn’t just to reach out to you. I also heard Him say that I should think of you more than a friend. This to me was surprising because I don’t think I’ve ever seen you this way.
In fact, when I visited ———- in the Bay Area two months before we met up, I told them that when I was in my 20s, there was someone I cared about a lot and I was considering reaching out to her. They said your name and I said no. I’ve always cared about you, now looking back. Every time you has a breakup, it really made me sad for you.
I didn’t want to tell you this part before because I didn’t want you to think I was making it up. I know people say all the time that God told them this and told them that, to justify all sorts of behavior. So I waited to tell you. I think there have been other clues along the way that reinforced that it was really Him. He didn’t say I would date or marry you, what I mentioned was all I heard.
But I will follow this in faith. At the end of the day, I also know that all human love is imperfect and will disappoint. Only God’s love is perfect and true. And although this is so difficult at times to comprehend and believe because He is invisible and not tangible, it is still more reliable than anything our there.
A high school friend and I discussed our respective journeys. Also his entitled jerk of a cousin who looked down on both of us and is now a super rich doctor married to another doctor. Because there either isn’t a just God or one who has some massively brilliant moves up His sleeve.
In any case, the arc of the universe aside, we made ourselves feel better by saying that the poets of old wrote about people who took great journeys with accompanying hardships, not rich doctor types. I mean how many epic poems are about anesthesiologistss, accountants, consultants, and lawyers. Not too many.
Nothing wrong with those professions, but the stories are told about people like Odysseus who either choose or are forced to take the hero’s or heroine’s journey – one filled with obstacles, doubt, fear but also great sights, beauty, and adventure. I told him that mine almost killed me. He said that what would have really killed me was if I had never taken it.
The thing about the Odyssey is also this. Not a surprising insight, but the long journey he takes prepares him for his destiny and goal of reclaiming his kingdom, reuniting with his family. For context, Odysseus was away from his home for 10 years before he began his trip home. During that period, his kingdom was overrun by traitorous types who wanted his throne and wife. I’ve realized it’s very possible that he would have had a difficult and even impossible opportunity to return successfully, even with his army behind him. As I’ve stated and learned, external enemies are much easier to fight than internal ones. The enemy within is the deadliest and it’s the hidden balde that hurts the most.
The journey prepares him.
Already a brilliant man, he develops endurance, fortitude, and acquires more wisdom. All of which he needs to win out, which he does Tom Brady style.
Another thing I noticed was the limited role of Athena, the goddess of wisdom and Odysseus’ patron higher power. She doesn’t really intervene all that much during the additional decade he takes to reach home.
I have reflected on the possible reasons behind that and aside from letting him grow and develop, it’s more than that. I think she only helps when it makes a difference. And she is wicked smart about it.
At the end, she disguises him as an old man so he can infiltrate his palace and with the help of his now adult son, takes care of business Tarantino style.
You must trust the path, the process. I took the kids to a play about a girl who has to navigate her way home through a dangerous forest with goblins. Her grandmother gives her this either difficult to perceive or invisible thread to guide her home. Grandma tells her that when it’s the scariest and darkest, it’s when she must trust where the thread is leading – home.
I also think it’s about surrendering everything to God and seeing what you receive back. Ultimately, do we believe that what God gives us back is not only good for us but something that we also receive and perceive as good. Something that we realized we needed and even wanted.
When I look at others who appear to have straighter and smoother paths, it’s easy to envy and wonder. But while there are upsides to that type of journey, there are also downsides. Again, we all learn on our journeys but many times, the harder the journey, the more you learn. I explain it to my kids – that to get from point A to B, you can either take a cruise or solo sail. Pros and cons to each. No right answer.
The question I have – is the pain worth it? And maybe that’s not even the right question. Does one see God more in one option and is that worth it?
But back to surrender. This priest I like says that surrender doesn’t mean God takes stuff away. It means you give Him access to work with it. This is in all contexts. Like our gifts, we surrender those to Him and we hear back what to do with them.
This period has rearranged and reset many of my relationships. It needed to happen. I could see people but they couldn’t see me. I saw a range of humans – poor to rich, weak to powerful. They are all broken. I see more clearly now. Who people really are. That was my main skill over this life. Having to read and handle people. I had a great journey. When my son was dedicated at church, parents had no to write down their hopes for their baby. Others wrote paragraphs. I wrote one line “May he have a great journey and the strength to endure it.”
I wore the friendship bracelet you made me in college until it frayed. It was beautiful. The colors (red white black) are my true soul. And your laugh, it is unique and I love it.
Over the course of the journey, I’ve had some pretty frustrating to tone deaf conversations about what I actually faced. I
The reasons are myriad – difficulties in articulating, complexity of the situation, lack of readiness of the listener, etc.
And another truth that I had to make sure about before sating it.
Selfishness,
Even when I was narrating some of the darker events in my life, some couldn’t resist but to make it about them. There were so many occasions where I comforted and encouraged people, when I was the one who needed it.
Pathetic, dishonoring, and sad.
But there is a cost to all this selfishness. On the surface, you look like a winner but there are hidden consequences. I think.
The world is small when you are at the center of it. You miss out on beauty, depth, and breadth.
I’ve been trying to impart this potentially hard sell to the kids. This requires much faith and dependence on God for providence and justice. Otherwise it makes more sense to play by the dog-eat-dog rules of this world.
My life, however, had too many moments of magic to believe and do otherwise. It often arrived when I wasn’t looking. Especially at self.
While there are many people who did not know how to love me in the way I needed, there were those who did. And I am grateful for that. They came from unexpected sources. I needed people to point out the good about me. That obviously didn’t come much from family and church. But it did come from others. And that is enough. I could again yearn for things I didn’t receive or he thankful for those I did, and may receive in the future.
So it’s true that I had a lot of cracked pieces. Some were horrendously cracked and there’s really no defense for all that. But I’m also realizing that without the cracks, we don’t reach our path or destiny or plan or whatever you want to call it. I complain how I didn’t have many smooth patches. It is true. But I also understand now that if I had received what I “wanted” I also wouldn’t have gotten the journey. If my family were any better or stable, I probably never leave Maryland. Nothing wrong with staying. But it would have been different.
I did meet some pretty questionable people. And yes they are hurtful. But again, without them, I wouldn’t have moved on to the next stop. It also occurred to me that sometimes what we think of as desirable really isn’t. I have family that have lived pretty sheltered lives. Lots of wealth and comfort. On the surface, it looks great but you never know. But even if things were utterly good, I’m not sure that’s a great outcome either. A life in a bubble is safe and comfortable but at the end, there are drawbacks. There are potential regrets about not experiencing more.
I’ve gotten a wide range of responses. Most people are well meaning but at some point, people can only give you what they can give. I could get angry or be thankful. Also I realize I need to be compassionate. Everyone is hurting in their own way and copes with it differently. I received the journey that was right for me. And although I had crappy cards, I also had amazing ones. Somehow they all work together. If I had mostly amazing cards, I’d have been more comfortable but would have experienced and learned less. If I had the opposite, that would have been bad too.
One of the recurring themes in the Bible is how God transforms what was meant for evil into good. This is the miracle. My parents were extremely unstable. The silver lining of all that is it taught me to handle a ton. They were horrible with money. They did everything in the cheapest way possible to the point of hurting me at times. That taught me to go with less and do more with what I have. Which I had to do in my jobs. Also this – hurt people hurt people. It is true of all of us.
I understand a lot. That was my gift. But I don’t understand it all. And that’s a good thing. Healing is a goal but it is not the main one. That it is still about the destiny God has for us. I don’t know how all that works exactly but I don’t have to. Another good thing.
Recently, I asked someone if they would be comfortable with the church predator being around his two daughters who are the their early 20s.
And the correct answer is “No.” Even “Hell, no.”
But what I got back was a bunch of double talk ams evasion – My daughters don’t go to church. They are no longer in the youth group. So on and so forth.
No. No. No.
What the hell is wrong here?
Someone else said we should pray for the predator.
True.
But no mention of the victims.
My daughter and I have been discussing LGBTQ issues. She asks why a God who Scripture teaches condemns homosexuality would create gay people but send them to hell.
I am not going to touch this one here except by saying everyone deserves love and protection. I dedicated my life to those things and intend to do so with what I have left. I still serve the light.
But I did tell her, whoever gets sent to hell – that list actually starts off with the cowardly. In fact, that category is the very first group listed in the Bible.
They shall lead the way.
I also asked her
Who do you think is braver – a certain family member or dad?
The truth is that I received so little wisdom, compassion, and understanding. Instead, I found a lot of selfishness and immaturity. I was lucky in many ways because I did manage to find good people who I could relate to and learn from. They were few and far between and I clung on to them for dear life.
I know why people judged me but I also know why they shouldn’t have. What I did good, I usually kept quiet. It wasn’t my style to let people know. Did I care what they thought? Of course, but it was just too tiring to play that game. I could fight back and I did, but only after thinking and waiting. A true introvert, I trusted that God or the universe would get it right somehow.
I write because I want you to see me.
It’s actually very draining to tell people things. It’s not so much about trust or comfort because I know who I am and what I’ve done at this point. Whatever people may think is mostly out of my control. The ones who know me, know.
It also is not just about being known and loved. It’s also about loving someone. What I liked about my life is that I tried to love – justice, service, friends, students, etc. I really got paid so little but I joke I got paid in joy and laughter. That might be enough.
Why the past few years have been difficult is because I was actually doing a lot of good, but either it got downplayed, ignored, or feared. The salt in the wound was the utter lack of understanding and love. What people have done is not only dishonored my story but they apply what they know to what I know, which is understandable but doesn’t work so well. It’s not just about the evil I’ve seen but also the good. I thought things out deeply and carefully. I longed for someone to understand and sit by me.
The Jordan is waiting for me to cross through My heart is aging I can tell So Lord, I’m begging for one last favor from You Here’s my heart take it where You will
This life has shown me how we’re mended and how we’re torn How it’s okay to be lonely as long as you’re free Sometimes my ground was stony And sometimes covered up with thorns And only You could make it what it had to be And now that it’s done Well if they dressed me like a pauper Or if they dined me like a prince If they lay me with my fathers Or if my ashes scatter on the wind I don’t care
But when I leave I want to go out like Elijah With a whirlwind to fuel my chariot of fire And when I look back on the stars It’ll be like a candlelight in Central Park And it won’t break my heart to say goodbye
There’s people been friendly, but they’d never be your friends Sometimes this has bent me to the ground Now that this is all ending I want to hear some music once again ‘Cause it’s the finest thing that I have ever found
But the Jordan is waiting Though I ain’t never seen the other side Still they say you can’t take in the things you have here So on the road to salvation I stick out my thumb and He gives me a ride And His music is already falling on my ears
There’s people been talking They say they’re worried about my soul Well, I’m here to tell you I’ll keep rocking ‘Til I’m sure it’s my time to roll And when I do
When I leave I want to go out like Elijah With a whirlwind to fuel my chariot of fire And when I look back on the stars It’ll be like a candlelight in Central Park And it won’t break my heart to say goodbye
Songs of Pain and Hope 