Songs of Pain and Hope

I am writing on the train to NYC.

My recent life was almost exclusively work and family.  Even my hobby was reading books to help me at my job.  Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t really into my career but I loved learning and practicing strategy.  That was a result of having very mixed cards most of my life.

I don’t know why exactly everything turns out the way it does, but it is for a reason.  I can see how many events prepared me.  Some pleasant and others not so much.

In March, I met a girl at a bubble tea shop, a high school senior.  She worked there and looked black but spoke perfect Chinese.  It turns up she is half Chinese.  She was born in the US but raised in China.  She told me about the pressure to fit in.  How she felt the need to be thin, lighten her skin, and straighten her hair.  We have been conversing since then about belonging, the importance of being oneself, pursuing dreams.  She is probably the most worthy student I’ve ever mentored.  I know how she feels because I had a similar path although I feel she is considerably braver than I am.  We have a lot in common and I could pass lessons I’ve learned from my upbringing and challenges I faced as an outsider in many places I’ve been in.

Last Thanksgiving, I sat down with the family of a close high school friend and told them my story.  And then over the winter break.  It took me 8 hours.  This is the first year I’ve ever told details of what I kept secret for so long.  The truth is that many people, including family just never bothered to find out what I actually experienced, did, or thought.  Including Yinan.

I just kept quiet a lot – about good and bad.  Did you know I was such a good shooter that I made around 15 long range shots in a row?   And I was also the designated shooter on a trip to an amusement park to win prizes at its basketball game.  I never did it at the fair because those games are rigged, the hoops are oval versus round.  And because of many factors, when a school shooting happens, it doesn’t affect me much.  I’ve rarely told anyone about the specific details of my work but I saw kids getting hurt in unimaginable ways.  But those weren’t a match for the pure selfishness and recklessness I saw in NYC.  

Yet I really don’t want to focus on those things anymore.  I realized I could be so angry at all the nonsense that has happened or be thankful that I survived and even benefited from those.  I did not fit in really anywhere which allowed me to fit in everywhere.  

As I mentioned, the pain was the price – of learning, acceptance; meaning, love.  I think that’s how it works.  We risk being hurt badly when we open ourselves up to others or opportunities.  I was so proud of many things – first and foremost my family, then surprisingly teaching, followed by the law enforcement positions.  I list rarely bending my knee as the fourth but I’m starting to think that’s right below the kids.  

For all the miserable things I saw or experienced, there was beauty.  Boston, London, Vienna, Prague, Munich.  And those are just the physical places.  I met so many amazing people that when I really think about it, make of the not so great ones much more tolerable.

These past few years have been difficult.  But without them I wouldn’t have had the insight to help several of my friends going through tough times.  I think that’s more than just a silver lining.  I think that is the grace and hope underlying even our darkest moments.  Don’t get me wrong, many times it doesn’t feel that any of this is worth it.  I saw peers – friends and not friends have seemingly easier and better paths and it doesn’t feel good.

But there are other moments of clarity that remind me that life is messy and difficult paths lead to better views.  Ultimately, I did pick up a lot to pass on – to others but most importantly, the kids.

My hard side and armor were real but they were so costly to use and wear.  Secretly or not so much, I was an odd duck who never made full peace with that fact.  But an odd duck who still wanted to fly a bit.  Just a little.  Good enough.

I got placed in a box a lot.  I suppose that was my fault at times.  When I was younger, I could feel or sense things before I could actually verbalize what I was seeing or feeling.  

When I was sitting in the hospital with multiple IVs running through my veins, hooked up to oxygen, strapped to a heart monitor, catheter, several organs not functioning properly, pain meds, etc, it gave me much to reflect on and it made me realize how powerless humans are.  I was also cracking jokes and encouraging staff because we Malaysians are hard to beat or kill.  

The way I did things was with my heart.  I wasn’t that academically, athletically, musically gifted but I could hold my own in all these areas.  I put in so much time and work and got somewhat competent in all these areas but what set me apart was my heart.  I put all of it into whatever I did.  It is not my mind that is an issue, it’s my heart that’s broken.  

I’ve also had decent to good intuition and instincts.  It will sound strange, but many times I could feel where balls would end up during games, I didn’t even have to see them to catch or save.  I wasn’t the smartest lawyer out there, but I was among the quickest to figure out how a case should be handled.  I could tell why and how a suspect committed a crime, sometimes better than more seasoned  colleagues.  In NYC, even people who didn’t like me said I was multiple steps ahead.  One of the projects I worked on involving large scale sex crimes investigations, I predicted huge trouble and it got ignored and downplayed.  That issue is now the basis of a major federal investigation.

That instinct and intuition is what made me realize I was doomed in my job and marriage way before it happened, roughly a year in advance. This ability is a double edged sword and is a combination of sharp and soft eyes.  I had both.  Daughter has my sharp eyes, Son my soft ones.

There were rarely smooth sailing patches in the journey.  I would say the early years in Boston were the best and closest.  I have to get better at making this connection clearer, but it’s the difficult and painful experiences that gave me my best abilities and skills.  They enabled me to do some very unique things.

Recently, I had a 4 hour conversation with my closest high school friend who now lives in Germany.  It felt like an hour.  Like me, he didn’t have the most ideal upbringing.  We both decided to take a road less traveled.  He has worked and lived in Europe and Africa.  And you know a bit of what I’ve done.  We talked about our journeys and how difficult, tiring yet memorable they are.  I said mine was killing me and he replied that if I hadn’t taken it and remained in Maryland, that would have been the real killer.

I did so much of this journey alone.  It wasn’t the physical loneliness as much as it was the emotional one.  Law school onward, I was either the only Asian or one of a handful in the institutions I was part of.  I almost certainly would have been the first Asian prosecutor in the history of St. Paul, MN and while I need to confirm this, I’m also pretty sure I was the first Asian civilian attorney ever in the NYPD’s Legal Bureau.  

I really didn’t mind all of those that much.  I could hold my own although there were accompanying challenges.  Courtship was long-distance the whole time and my future in laws and step in-laws were profoundly difficult.  By the time I got to the wedding, I was barely standing and feeling anything.  There were few to no useful resources to go to.  This is actually when I developed a stomach ulcer from all the stress.

Long story short, I think that God allowed or ordained those things for a purpose.  It really wasn’t fun at all, but I guess it did teach me to trust and think better.

People also often don’t get this about me.  That it’s not what I say rather what I’m not saying.  I had to hold back a lot and sometimes it wasn’t to my benefit.  

Home is a mixed concept for me.  Mine was a bit all over the place because of many factors.  I also knew that where I would travel to would also be my home.  But I do long for it now.  A place of safety and belonging.  I’m truly proud of what I’ve done and accomplished.  Despite my weaknesses, mistakes, I really did try to do good and fight evil in many forms.

I’ll close again with God.  I’m neither too open nor closed about my faith.  I’m not the type to wear it so openly but I’m not shy about it either.   Major doubts. At the fair, most of the time I couldn’t fathom how and why I was actually leading those tents.   But I suppose that is grace and faith at work.  Imperfect.

Many years ago, I made a cassette tape of me singing songs I wrote.  I’m not a great singer and I didn’t think my songs were either.   But you said you couldn’t stop listening.  To this day, you’re only one of two people who have listened to that tape, the other is my daughter’s godfather.  That tape is lost.  You saw a very hidden part of my soul.

I have this very hard side that I needed to develop to survive.  I then added armor on top of that.  Deep down, I’m really sensitive and I had to hide this for a long time.  The experiences I was placed in required that.  I was trying to tell you that.  I only figured out how to explain this recently.  I didn’t cry very much for years because I had to put on that shell.  I do it now, not all are tears of sadness – they include joy, relief, gratitude.

A lot is happening at once.  Healing, acceptance, parenting, looking for light, maintaining hope, etc.  The best advice I’ve received is to just do it day to day.  I used to plan in decades, then years, months, weeks.  

I also wasn’t expecting you to do much about pain either, at least directly.  With you, it was about joy and light.  I liked hearing you talk about late night TV, Harry Potter, watching you teach, how much you love your dogs.  I’ll have to live with my pain for a while, it will probably subside and it has in some ways, but it’s about finding joy and light to balance it out.  The interesting thing about pain is that with healing, I can feel more in some ways.  In fact, with you, I really didn’t have much of a desire to tell you much about the difficulties.  I told you out of full disclosure and for context.  You made it hurt less.  I tried to keep you and the pain separate.

As I might have mentioned, I didn’t go to court a lot.  I could do it ok, but my strength was looking at large scale, long term cases and figuring things out.  I do a lot better when I have time to think.  One of the things I feared most about talking to people was being quickly evaluated and judged.  There is a lot to this story that is so unique, including and especially what —— told you.  I smiled and laughed a lot at my jobs and other places.  Might be strange to hear, but that was probably a hidden side as well.  Also the pets.  My life was focused on work, school, and family.  I couldn’t wait to leave to see my kids and pets.  The NYPD was like a family to me, I put my heart and soul into that and it just changed so quickly.  And also my real family.

I know we are likely communicating on different wavelengths and I was trying to bridge that divide.  Some of the situations I’ve experienced, one kinda has to be there to get it.  Some of the stuff I’ve mentioned, like my cases, which often involved not great situations, I’ve processed a long time ago and made peace with it.  I don’t really expect people to understand fully, but it’s nice to tell someone.  A good friend of mine is a former undercover officer and we both had similar upbringing and professional experiences.  We agree that the point is not to be understood, but rather it is to be listened to.

All these places had both difficulty and joy.  I wanted to tell you that latter part as well.  How I loved being a dad, a teacher, DA, NYPD, seeing beauty.  It wasn’t only pain I experienced, but many great days as well.  Everywhere I went had a vibe.  Because I process and sense deeply, many of these places soaked into my bones.

When I said I had to carry the weights of others, I was referring to people telling me their own secrets, stuff I’ve carried for a long time.  At work, I was pretty much doing everyone’s job because of my skill set.  You may think I’m loud, but I really did things quietly and secretly.

I tried to do the opposite of the negative behavior that I saw and experienced.  I made it a point to be loving and supportive to my kids.   No spanking, lots of positive words, I went to every one of my daughter’a performances, never picked her up late.  I snuck into my son’s daycare to watch him sleep.  I also was popular with my students not because I was brilliant or whatever, I was nice and kind to them.  I tried to watch out for my brothers and sisters at the NYPD.

Those nudges, I wanted to explain every single one of them and now cool they turned out to be.  I’ll briefly mention studying biology in college.  There really wasn’t a great reason to do this on the surface.  Unlike you, I struggle with math and spatial recognition, so physics, organic chem, etc were an ordeal.  I should have studied political science, history, government instead.   But that biology degree helps me get into law school because it set me apart.  When I went to Minnesota, the unit that took me in (the only one out of fifteen interns) said they chose me because I could understand DNA evidence.  That experience eventually landed me the full time position in Philadelphia where I ended up teaching DNA as a first year, and ended up getting noticed by the elected DA who is a mentor to this day.  That science background would come into play decades later in NYC where I had to deal with organizational processes and systems.   Biology is the study of both and it is complex.  It was relatively easy for me to figure out my  professional work because of that background.

I wanted to talk about the past in a new light, tell you all the hidden stuff.  I don’t think I’ve ever lied to you, but I’ve also not told you the whole truth

———-, who is like a mom to me, said that my experiences were like a soldier coming home from war and would not be understood.  I would never ever compare myself to someone in the military, but what she says has truth.  What I experienced is sometimes hard for people to understand and also for me to communicate.  Writing them down has somewhat allowed me to tell them better.  I’ve not told many people for this reason, that it’s not easy to comprehend.   But you were worth it.  So now you know quite a bit, including some details I’ve not told anyone.  Totally unexpected.

I’ll close with God.  Everyday, I surrender the kids, future, present, past, pain, things I have no control over.  And you now.  A good friend who was a nun told me that God raised me.  She is correct.

(Last year, I wrote a series of letters to someone I call the “nudge from God.” These are the most detailed and accurate accounts of some of the events and thoughts in my life. I will post them in some fashion or other.

They are my truth.

Most importantly, they are the truth.)

Life is short, unpredictable and there are truly few opportunities to say what you mean and mean what you say.  I’ll keep this as brief and concise as possible, but this is what I wanted you to know.  No agendas, motives, games, strings, expectations, regrets.

For better or worse, I decided to view life as a journey.  So I took one – geographically, professionally, spiritually.  What drove me were the pursuit of adventure, knowledge, legitimacy, meaning, impact, beauty, hope.  Also to some extent – the search for love, understanding, and strangely, home and belonging.  Maybe some of these were incompatible, at odds with each other.  The journey was amazing, difficult, memorable, painful, beautiful.  I had to carry a lot – weights of my own as well as others, and it made me somewhat strong, but I’m human and humans break at some point.  Still, what a journey.  I wouldn’t have it any other way.

There was always so much more to me than what people saw and thought.  Most of what I did, observed, and thought were hidden, in secret.  Few bothered to inquire, much less listen or understand.  But there was a soundtrack to my life and it was wide-ranging and eclectic – I would even say powerful.

Along the way, I had what I call nudges from God.  They aren’t frequent, but they are consistent.  They often involved some significant life decision – where to go for college, what to major in, to go to law school, become a DA, pursue the PhD, the NYPD, go to specific locations (Indiana, Minnesota, Boston, Vienna, NYC), even get married (maybe the scariest).  ALL did not appear to make much sense initially and on the surface, but ended up being where I needed to be for more reasons than one.  Most of them were unexpected, out of left field.  For many of them, the true effects and benefits weren’t evident until later, in some cases, years and even decades.  Not only did I enter each with great doubt and even fear, but also experienced those feelings while living them out.  Ultimately, these nudges are primarily about God’s goodness and presence, even and especially in uncertain times.

I believe you are one of those nudges – to what purpose and extent, I don’t exactly know.  I felt it from God and you follow the pattern.  You might be the most left field of all.  In the past, I know I upset you at times.  And vice versa.  But memories flood back and they are, on the most part, good and now make more sense.  My favorite memory is when we drove up to Long Island with the drama team, you were such a good tailgater.  For what it’s worth and what it actually means, you feel like home.  Again, this is just to let you know.  I am not asking for anything.

Most of my life had to be run on leaps of faith.  The cards I were dealt didn’t give me much of a choice if I wanted a life worth living – difficult family, immigration, racism, lack of one great talent, etc.  Although I had many fears and doubts, I always looked and turned back to God for guidance and support.  I pretty much just asked Him what to do, tried to follow as best as I could, surrender.  As I try to do now, just like before.  I don’t know where this journey takes me next and I’m not sure what I should allow to drive it.  But I trust even when doubting that it will all be ok.

I also had to use my intuition a lot, professionally and personally.  It has always been one of my greatest strengths and it has never been stronger.  I can be inelegant and clumsy, but I’m not wrong often.  With you, again, the pattern.

I also wanted to tell you this.  I was quite good at protecting others – two of the largest cities in the US, students, friends, family, but ironically, not myself.  I also feel that your eyes became softer (this is a law enforcement concept, the ability to see more deeply and clearly).  Many things you’ve said in the times we’ve met up reflect this truth.

So here it is.  I just wanted you to know.  Come what may.