Songs of Pain and Hope

(Cavafy)

As you set out for Ithaka

hope your road is a long one,

full of adventure, full of discovery.

Laistrygonians, Cyclops,

angry Poseidon—don’t be afraid of them:

you’ll never find things like that on your way

as long as you keep your thoughts raised high,

as long as a rare excitement

stirs your spirit and your body.

Laistrygonians, Cyclops,

wild Poseidon—you won’t encounter them

unless you bring them along inside your soul,

unless your soul sets them up in front of you.

Hope your road is a long one.

May there be many summer mornings when,

with what pleasure, what joy,

you enter harbors you’re seeing for the first time;

may you stop at Phoenician trading stations

to buy fine things,

mother of pearl and coral, amber and ebony,

sensual perfume of every kind—

as many sensual perfumes as you can;

and may you visit many Egyptian cities

to learn and go on learning from their scholars.

Keep Ithaka always in your mind.

Arriving there is what you’re destined for.

But don’t hurry the journey at all.

Better if it lasts for years,

so you’re old by the time you reach the island,

wealthy with all you’ve gained on the way,

not expecting Ithaka to make you rich.

Ithaka gave you the marvelous journey.

Without her you wouldn’t have set out.

She has nothing left to give you now.

And if you find her poor, Ithaka won’t have fooled you.

Wise as you will have become, so full of experience,

you’ll have understood by then what these Ithakas mean.

I was listening to some Mozart and in one of his works, the tune of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star was embedded within. Apparently, the melody is an old traditional folk one and obviously also the tune to which we sing the letters of the alphabet. There is a lesson to be learned here about what endures.

I have written previously that we take nothing with us and it’s rather what we leave behind that counts.

In the context of music, write one great song and you’ll be immortal. I talked about this with my grandfather figure who is a professional musician. Did these composers realize that their music will touch so many – years, decades, even centuries after they were conceived?

I’ve also contemplated why some composers are legendary. There is good, even great. And there is another level. Also applies to other fields.

In the movie Amadeus, which chronicles the rivalry between Salieri and Mozart, much is made about the marked difference between their work. It isn’t pure fiction. Salieri’s music, to me, is perfectly good but it isn’t Mozart. The latter has a special quality that is truly transcendent and captures so much of the soul. There is a range and sense of inspiration.

Where did that all come from?

Talent, work, training, motivation, opportunity, pain? Some or all the above?

God?

What were my songs?

My students, cases, poetry, writing, memories.

My children foremost.

And even though it all went wrong, I’ll stand before the Lord of Song with the secret chords and the hallelujah – the holy, cold, and broken.

In the years I lived in New York City, I encountered incidents where I experienced undesirable behavior because of my race (no different than the other places in the US I’ve lived in and other periods of my life). Hell, I’m used to it – I was born and raised in a country where I was a second-class citizen by law and reality.

In any case, some of the behaviors experienced were the products of intentional racism (their fault) and some of it was due to perceived and actual weakness of Asians (usually in Chinatown region, and some of it our fault as a people group).  Individuals involved were of all ethnicities and ages.

On several occasions my daughter was with me.  Some people express sadness when they find this out, but I am ok with this, as she has developed a sense of awareness and even hardening by experiencing this at a young age.

In general, I confronted this behavior. Probably not a surprise there and few regrets, if any. You must make the stand and call it out. Stand and speak up even though you’re scared or crying. What I was trained to do. As my DA mentor said – don’t let them know your ass is on fire. Better to die on your feet and all that as well, but hopefully not your mini-me.

Once, these three guys in a pickup truck told me to go back to my country. I replied – go fuck yourselves. I had my daughter with me at that time- she was around 6. They got out of the truck.

And I just stared them down and said – What are you gonna do?! They got back in the truck and drove off.

Probably a bit stupid in hindsight but hey what are you gonna do?

Earlier this year, I was waiting for a Lyft at DC’s Union Station when someone tried to grab my phone which I had placed in my hoodie’s front pouch. I instinctively held on to it with a what the fuck are you doing? The perp goes – Sorry! I then chased after him for a short distance just to scare him a bit. As I’ve said previously, do not mess with a Malaysian, especially one with my background and history. I’ll teach you what it feels like to carry pain.

After this incident, I told a few friends, including former DA and police colleagues. Unlike the others who thought I was a tad insane, these said I made a good choice and this would prevent future behavior, make him think twice before pulling this kind of stunt again. My son’s godfather who was in the military said I was never more dangerous than this period where I had the presence of mind and guts to chase down a street criminal.

I then went to my dear friend’s place and we had IHOP the next day for breakfast. I did not ask Jesus for forgiveness for either of these incidents. I don’t think he minded all that much.

Maybe even gave his Dad and the Holy Ghost a high five.

There’s a movie out there – The Road to Freedom about child sex trafficking.  I won’t comment on the politics, methods used by the protagonist, or effectiveness of such but I think that we can all agreed that this is pure evil.  Almost every other crime I can kinda understand – drug dealing, assault, even homicide (especially if your in-laws or family are in the trashcan fire category).

But I never really understood sex crimes, especially against kids.  I had several cases – all under the age of 10.  My faith teaches that no one is beyond forgiveness or redemption but this must come close to an exception.

The sad part is that little will be done unless more self-interest is involved – economic or political.  When DEA Agent Kiki Camarena was tortured and murdered by the Mexican drug cartel, it was only then that the US government go full Old Testament and escalate efforts.  I highly recommend Narcos (the original and Mexico spinoff) on Netflix.

I sort of joke that one day, my daughter the future US Attorney for the Southern District of New York will handle this.

In any case, some in the media criticized the movie for either condoning or glorifying the methods used in the movie. I remarked to a friend that this wasn’t done with the purest of movies – there is a hint of guilt there for being an armchair quarterback. I told my friend that all someone had to do was ask a single question to one of these critics – And what are you doing to address the problem?

What we do matters. If you’re not somehow in the game, think very long and hard before saying anything.

This one is about the death penalty.

And kindness.

And praying for our enemies.

My prosecutor mentor and I had a discussion on the ethics and legitimacy of the death penalty. In his home state of Minnesota, it is no longer in play. I, on the other hand, served in a jurisdiction with the third highest death row in the country – behind the City of Angels and the home of the Astros.

My mentor’s objections were that it is often applied indiscriminately and doesn’t allow for the rehabilitation of a person, no matter how slim it may be. He then asked me what I thought.

I replied that prior to meeting him and being exposed to criminal work, I thought I’d be full blown Punisher or Judge Dredd, but while I do not oppose it on philosophical or moral grounds, I decidedly became more ambivalent on the practice. The statistics on how it is applied on racial and economic grounds is up for grabs in my opinion and so as its effectiveness as a deterrent. For me, it is about mercy.

I often reference my kids intelligence, in more ways than once. That’s great and all but not where it’s at. I met many highly intelligent people who were not good people. They caused a lot of damage.

I have realized that mine need to learn compassion and empathy. I experienced so little mercy in my life but I wan them to understand that one.

Recently, I told them that those who do not extend mercy will receive little to none when their turn arrives. My mentor said it’s more than that – it’s about becoming a better person – a concept that feels completely outdated in this world.

It also made me think about the idea of praying for enemies. For me, the prayer here is simple, that they will be better people so they wouldn’t hurt others. This doesn’t mean forswearing justice or God’s vengeance – these concepts aren’t mutually exclusive and can co-exist. I still believe in planning baptisms.

The last inmate that Pennsylvania executed was decades ago and it was only because he dropped all his appeals.

When I observed my children, I can see them going both ways – developing genuine kindness but also having a mean streak. On more reflection, maybe that combination isn’t so bad. May even be healthy if not in a way holy.

Malaysian movies tend not to be very good but there is a legit one you can actually watch on Netflix – PASKAL.  The movie is about the Royal Malaysian  Navy’s Special Forces.  It has ships, helicopters, guns, knife fights.  The acting isn’t half bad and the script is tight enough that you won’t be totally rolling your eyes in disbelief.  It isn’t Top Gun Maverick but it also isn’t Dumb and Dumber.

There’s a pretty touching scene at the end when the lead character remarks to his petty officer that he regrets not knowing the full names of the men he commanded.  The latter replies with a quote from philosopher Blaise Pascal – “How many kingdoms know nothing of us?”

That quote applies to many people.  “Ordinary” and unknown heroes. This nonsensical world tends to glorify many in the entertainment or showy realms rather than the real heroes out there. I’m all up for statues of Michael Jordan, Freddy Mercury, and even Robert Griffin III but it also makes sense to have some perspective here.

At NYPD headquarters, after passing security, you enter the Hall of Heroes – dedicated to the fallen Members of Service and with a statue of an unnamed officer. It never gets old.

As a parent, I also often think of what I hope my children should aspire to. Is i to lead an extraordinary life per Robin Williams in Dead Poets Society? Yes, in some ways but that concept is often conflated with getting attention. The real extraordinary is to be as impactful and meaningful as possible, even if not recognized. To this day, no one knows exactly what I did. I wait for the lover who won’t blow my cover to tell all that to. She’s so hard to find.

How many kingdoms know nothing of us?

(Gibran)

Your children are not your children

They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself

They come through you but not from you

And though they are with you yet they belong not to you

You may give them your love but not your thoughts

For they have their own thoughts

You may house their bodies but not their souls
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far

Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;

For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable