I lied
Just once
Only once
The only time ever with you
Driving in your car
I said I wasn’t madly in love with you
I was
I was just too scared, unsure, stupid
To say it
So I lied
Not anymore
Or ever again
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My daughter’s former school disallowed any Halloween superhero costumes. While I understand banning toy weapons for safety reasons, I don’t find this idea to be particularly grounded. It’s actually antithetical to human nature, the encouragement of service and courage, and fosters a fertile breeding ground for predators.
In any case, she used to go as her version of Mulan, our legendary heroine who saves her people and family. My favorite part of that story is when she refuses a high position at the royal court despite deserving it and returns home.
“On her return she sees the Son of Heaven,
The Son of Heaven sits in the Splendid Hall.
He gives out promotions in twelve ranks
And prizes of a hundred thousand and more up.
The Khan asks her what she desires.
Mulan has no use for a minister’s post.
I wish to ride a swift mount
To take me back to my home.’”
Someone also once referred to me as a “Good Christian man.” I cringed and quickly moved to dispel this label. First, it isn’t true in any sense of the words. Next, what an unbearable burden to carry and impossible standard to live up to. I do not want to carry this around in any form. I had a code to live by and I did my best in that regard. Whether I lived up to that is for others and God to judge. It matters not how laced with punishments the scroll.
Humans are beautiful and broken at the same time. I saw a wide range of humanity- from those who committed heinous crimes to the so-called cream. To tell the truth, sometimes I couldn’t tell much difference – and I don’t mean that in a cynical way. Some of the calmest people I’ve encountered were convicted murderers.
There are monsters out there but most of us are somewhere in between. I see life as a batting average anyway.
Someone also told me they would pray that my daughter would be a “Good Christian girl.” I’d say good luck with that one.
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1. Prayer for me has always been difficult. Because I’m not good at fudging over things or ignoring the very real bad stuff that goes on in the world. Sometimes it seems like prayer makes no impact whatsoever. But I’ve decided that there’s no choice but to pray.
2. Pray for Philadelphia. We’re having one of the worst years for homicide in a decade. Up to this point this year, we’ve had 139 homicides – one a day. Yesterday, a mother of two was shot in the head after walking downtow to work.
3. And I thought about those nights at the fair when we were all together. And I thought about years, how they take so long, and they go so fast.
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(Gessle)
När alla vännerna gått hem
Och festen är slut för länge sen
Och man ligger ensam i sin säng
När alla vännerna gått hemNär alla vännerna gått hem
Och dörren har stängts igen
Och mörkret det skrämmer igen
När alla vännerna gått hemDå börjar man tveka att ta nya tag
Ensam i värmen, här är jag!
Är jag stark eller svag?
Det spelar ingen roll
Det spelar ingen rollNär alla vänner är som ljus
När varje sekund känns som en minut
Och när man inte hittar ut
När alla vänner är som ljusNär alla vänner är som ljus
Ljus som brinner ut
När varje veke bär en knut
När alla vänner är som ljusDå börjar man tveka att ta nya tag
Ensam i värmen, här är jag!
Är jag stark eller svag
Det spelar ingen roll
Det spelar ingen roll
Det spelar ingen rollWhen all the friends have gone home
And the party is over a long time ago
And you lie alone in your bed
When all the friends have gone home
When all the friends have gone homeAnd the door has closed again
And the darkness it scares again
When all the friends have gone homeThen you start to hesitate to take new steps
Alone in the heat, here I am!
Am I strong or weak?
It doesn’t matter
It doesn’t matter
When all friends are like candlesWhen every second feels like a minute
And when you don’t find out
When all friends are like candles
When all friends are like candles
Candles burning out
When every wick wears a knot
When all friends are like candles
Then you start to hesitate to take new steps
Alone in the heat, here I am!
Am I strong or weak?
It doesn’t matter
It doesn’t matter
It doesn’t matter
-
(Petty, Harrison, Lynne, Orbison, Dylan)
Well, it’s all right riding around in the breeze
Well, it’s all right if you live the life you please
Well, it’s all right doing the best you can
Well, it’s all right as long as you lend a handYou can sit around and wait for the phone to ring
Waiting for someone to tell you everything
Sit around and wonder what tomorrow will bring
Maybe a diamond ringWell, it’s all right even if they say you’re wrong
Well, it’s all right, sometimes you gotta be strong
Well, it’s all right as long as you got somewhere to lay
Well, it’s all right, every day is Judgment DayMaybe somewhere down the road aways
You’ll think of me and wonder where I am these days
Maybe somewhere down the road when somebody plays
Purple hazeWell, it’s all right even when push comes to shove
Well, it’s all right if you got someone to love
Well, it’s all right, everything’ll work out fine
Well, it’s all right, we’re going to the end of the lineDon’t have to be ashamed of the car I drive
I’m just glad to be here, happy to be alive
It don’t matter if you’re by my side (at the end of the line)
I’m satisfiedWell, it’s all right even if you’re old and gray
Well, it’s all right, you still got something to say
Well, it’s all right, remember to live and let live
Well, it’s all right, the best you can do is forgiveWell, it’s all right, riding around on the breeze
Well, it’s all right. if you live the life you please
Well, it’s all right, even if the sun don’t shine
Well, it’s all right, we’re going to the end of the line -
Now this is when the gates of hell tremble
In the realization of their catastrophic mistake
They forget how it all works
Strike someone down and they become powerful
The breaking of the dam unleashes
Torrent of orchestrated countermoves
Rendering of steel to home its deadlines
Crushing of the soul to renew it
The beginning of beginning
Completion of the circle
And the full bending of the arc
Towards perfect justice and light
-
I was standing in line with the kids before a hockey game when I told my son that he was conceived my first day at the NYPD (not on the job) and was named in honor of the work I was assigned.
I then told him it wasn’t a mistake that he also lives next door to a precinct.
And that NYPF forever.
The work that we do and the pride behind it all despite the stunning incompetence and idiocy at times.
The gentleman behind us overheard our conversation and nodded to me in understanding and approval.
A colleague told me that once you have a taste of blue, you’ll be changed forever. And I concur.
I also had an interesting conversation on the train with someone applying to medical school and how saying KPMG forever or Google forever just doesn’t ring the same way.
The daughter has also been watching some police shows – not my encouraging, I swear on my grandmother’s grave. She and I recently had an in-depth conversation on Internal Affairs- its role, purpose, and importance. It was surprising and also not. She was raised at 1 PP, even helping to shred pretty important documentd (that’s right, already contributing to public safety and national security at 5). Both attended my unit’s staff meetings and the daughter made friends with my colleagues as well as a few equine and canine members of the service.
I told them that they were children of the NYPD. In Malay, anak anak Polis.
Forever.
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1. Ambition and dreaming sound the same, but they are not. One is more like a cancer, the other less so. A good number of the world’s problems originate from ambition, unchecked and unrestrained.
2. Power is possibly the most addictive narcotic out there – more than heroin, crystal, crack, crocodile, etc. It is, however, not illusory but transient and situational. A CEO staring at the barrel of a gun has little to none.
3. Uniforms can often be used as an inadequate proxy for real character. Just because you wear one representing certain values, doesn’t mean you actually have them.
4. Listening really is powerful and rare. Some people don’t even bother hearing, straight to advice or talking. I’ve been guilty of this.
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1. Hope is the rollercoaster journey that you are willing to take despite the uncertainty of the destination.
Faith is the seeming insanity that allowed you to hop on in the first place.
A mustard seed is sufficient. Help me to believe.
2. We don’t ask God for the things we should be asking for. But what we ask for reveals what we really want but cannot articulate. I ask for peace and forgiveness.
3. A person who is willing to live for eternity and to give up their grip on a temporal existence is a dangerous person. 3. Some of my favorite moments are restringing a guitar, lacing up cleats, or sitting in an empty classroom before students arrive. There is sacredness in preparation.
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This is the underrated day that matters
The one between the sacred and profane
Good and evil
Light and darkness
Healing and suffering
Resurrection and crucifixion
The day when a faith barely on life support
Clings on to a hope
That looks like a toddler’s first steps
The first lilies of the spring
The final death of winter
The rain that washes away tears
As the night makes way for the Sunday dawn
Songs of Pain and Hope 