Songs of Pain and Hope

I would venture that most people, if not everyone, wonder about the realness of God. I think this goes beyond apologetics – the logical, historical, and factual defense of His existence. I have often wanted to give up on God, especially when there is so much evidence opposing the claims of His goodness and power.

Doubt is part of faith and ultimately it’s solely our responsibility to reconcile and hammer it all out. But I also realized that much of the God that was represented to me was off.

No need to go into specifics. Many will echo the same concerns. But to sum it up – what the hell kind of God are you reflecting?

Certainty not the one of perfect justice, love, light, and more.

I won’t go into details now but I have definitely experienced some events that can only be described as miraculous. More than coincidence but I just keep quiet because I know people will soon gift me the tin foil for my hats.

One of the major principles in the Bible is that what is intended for evil will be transformed into good. This is obviously very hard to believe especially when it’s at the start of the troubles.

But I actually think there’s a lot of truth to that principe. I can see traces of that in my life. Took some time to realize, years even decades. The hidden blessing and the grace disguised.

Fundamentally, I just remind myself that God knows what He’s doing even if I’ve rarely heard that from others – including those who you think would emphasize that.

It also dawns on me, possibly heretical, that God only shows to the extent we ask Him to.

Who knows?

But doesn’t hurt to ask or try.

Go big or go home and all that.

My daughter asked why doesn’t God just take Satan out.  

And not as in a date.  

Especially if He’s supposedly all knowing and can see all the present and future destruction wrought. She also asks the following quite a bit – if there are two armies at war and both claim to be on God’s side, who wins?

Those are really good questions.

I encourage her to keep asking and thinking. And I don’t know the exact answer to each. I also tell her my own doubts and questions for the Almighty.

My biggest charge against God isn’t the presence of suffering or evil but the fact He seems to do nothing.

Nothing.

I used to say Jesus dying on the cross is like her getting bullied on the playground, calling for my help, and I’d ignore her to hang myself on the swings.

One of the former deputy mayor of NYC and ex NYPD was investigated by the FBI and considered an unindicted conspirator after they found 300K in his accounts. I also once had a case where a 5 year old girl was raped simultaneously by her brother and his friend.

Sometimes, I just think – Stay on the cross if you won’t do nothing.

And yet I still believe. 

Because there is no other choice.

There is nowhere or no one else to go to.

This is still a song of hope.

(Cornell)

Pearls and swine bereft of me
Long and weary my road has been
I was lost in the cities
Alone in the hills
No sorrow or pity for leaving, I feel

I am not your rolling wheels
I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride
I am the sky

Friends and liars don’t wait for me
‘Cause I’ll get on all by myself
I put millions of miles
Under my heels
And still too close to you, I feel

I am not your rolling wheels
I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride
I am the sky

I am not your blowing wind
I am the lightning
I am not your autumn moon
I am the night

1. A former intern, who is now an officer in another jurisdiction, was involved in a shooting over the weekend.  An armed suspect shot his partner multiple times.  Former intern and another officer returned fire and killed suspect.  I’ll refrain from further commentary, but just say that there are still dangerous scenarios out there.

2. Was updating my resume and had to write an Objective section.  What I really wanted to put there was “Eventually obtain position normally reserved for a non-minority.”  As I grow older, it saddens me to see how things don’t change and how difficult it is to change things.

3. Almost completed a personal collection of strategic texts from various fields, cultures, and eras.  At the end of the day, the number of truly worthwhile ones to keep is a handful.  Among the best are those from a relatively obscure scholar (Dolman), someone who never formally published (Boyd), and someone who may not have existed (Sun).  In this list is also a work that should be studied for leadership, parenting, and family relationships, among other lessons – Puzo’s Godfather.  I concur with Coppola’s framework that it is the story of a great king with three sons, one embodying a different quality of his – passion, intelligence, and kindness.  Another lesser known fact is that Vito Corleone wasn’t based on a man, but rather a woman – Puzo’s mother.

4.  I realize the daughter has a strange set of environments to navigate – Chinatown education, soccer with the children of the Wall Street crowd, a progressive non-traditional church.  But I hope and think this will work.  On another level, it sometimes feels like mixing pizza, tacos, and fried chicken together as a complete meal.

When my peers were scouting and visiting colleges all over the US, I knew I was pretty much headed to the University of Maryland.  Due to financial considerations (hyper-religious parents too, would have thrown fits if I had been a Duke Blue Devil, Wake Forest Demon Deacon, or DePaul Blue Demon) and guaranteed a significant scholarship through National Merit, the deal was sealed early.  I’m no Ivy, but I was close.  The other options were Wheaton (the Christian Harvard), Florida State, University of Houston (both full rides).

Accordingly, I didn’t have to put much effort into the admissions process – no rec letters, SAT stress, a detailed list of my juvenile exploits.

When the time came to write the essay portion, I wrote a poem instead.  I’ve forgotten most of the lines, but it was about the guitar and how my life would be a song composed by God, with strings played to fulfill His call.

Maryland turned out ok.  Friends, good sports teams, girl I lit the candles for, great logo with the state colors.  Terp for Life.

27 years later, I now wonder what type of song it was.