Songs of Pain and Hope

I used to sing this traditional song reimagined by Robert Plant of Led Zeppelin fame to my daughter when I used to take her to daycare, once when we forgot to put on her shoes. We did this in the Wall Street district too. She was raised on Pearl Jam and Queen for sure but also the old school gospel-spiritual tradition. Another song was Put Your Hand where she would mispronounce the word “water” as “watee” – adorable. She also knew the lyrics to The Band’s The Weight.

That was me, how I rolled. The sometimes profane and the sacred. Couldn’t put me in a box.

It made me dangerous.

It bent me to the ground.

In any case, the lyrics reflected a major part of my core beliefs. Good versus evil.

Light versus darkness.

The oldest story, maybe the only one.

What I try to raise my kids on. Never fool yourself. You fight for one side or the other.

You choose. And if you don’t know – it’s evident.

I joke with the them now that our recently deceased girl cat was secretly evil and the mastermind behind many devious events. They protest because she was sweet on the surface but she could and did put up a fight when necessary.

Slander aside of the most courageous and loving pet we’ve ever owned, isn’t that true of evil? It can be so hidden and destructive.

I saw some majorly bad things in my line of work, but nothing like the abusive, negligent, and careless use of power. That was the worst and the seemingly sweeping under the rug and ignoring.

But it must all come down. The world needs true warriors who will push back and say no.

Enough.

Satan, your kingdom must come down.

Gonna pray and shout till they tear your kingdom down.

All of it.

The first – Apollonia

The girl I lit the candles for

The one I married

The girl out of left field/with the short fuse (or really, the nudge from God)

I’ll ride the wave wheee it takes me.

I am so grateful and honored that you are reading my writing. This is, for many of my stories and thoughts, the first time I have told them. I kept a lot in for many reasons that are apparent and not as well.

It was a hell of a journey.

Despite all the incredible pain, what I call a fucking amazing life.

It had adventure, meaning, love, joy, impact, pride, and God – among other desirable and other events and experiences.

The writing is my manual and playbook for life. For primarily my children.

But I would also be honored if others read as much of the story if so inclined. I did see quite a bit and would like to share, to show you some of my world.

I’ve mentioned this before – I was very good at keeping secrets. People told me a ton of theirs. I could be trusted. I’m not really into gossip or sharing others. Everyone has their demons and skeletons. Everyone. Blessed are the merciful for they shall receive mercy.

But there are a few who are so horrendous, they must be exposed.

My practice is to keep people anonymous in my writing although a few are probably guessable by those who share a common circle. Because I’ve bounced around quite a bit and generally wasn’t an insider by fate, choice, and calling, this isn’t probably a common occurrence.

But I’ve started to joke not without a speck of truth that if I get anything close to a Stage IV diagnosis, there will be a few names floated for various reasons.

I’ll endeavor not to be petty but yes, some should be revealed – like the predators I knew and the selfish cowards who enabled them.

16. Carry your cross to receive your crown.

Nothing worth accomplishing comes without great cost and sacrifice.  Many people will try to demonstrate that this principle does not apply.  Avoid them at all costs.  There is no exception to this truth – no cross, no crown.  Anyone who tries to convince you of otherwise is either lying to themselves, attempting to fool God, or more likely, both.

17. Follow the path.  

Trust where God is taking you.  How much you surrender will determine your power and influence.  This is a paradox that you will find constantly challenging you.  When the path is difficult, you will want to quit.  The benefits of struggling to remain on this path are oftentimes not apparent until much later, but it is worth it.  The most useful instruments, whether they be for war, peace, or any other purpose, are the hardest to forge and can take a long time to do so.

18. Remember where you are from, but never let it get in the way of where you are going. 

Greatness can come from humble beginnings, but great people do not forget where they come from.  Ignoring this principle leads to pride, arrogance, and ultimately failure.  Conversely, no matter the number or depth of your mistakes, your life will never be unredeemable or unchangeable.  

19. Pursue greatness.

I defer here to the insight of John Steinbeck:

“It’s because I haven’t courage,’ said Samuel. ‘I could never quite take the responsibility. When the Lord God did not call my name, I might have called his name – but I did not. There you have the difference between greatness and mediocrity. It’s not an uncommon disease. But it’s nice for a mediocre man to know that greatness must be the loneliest state in the world.’

‘I’d think there are degrees of greatness,’ Adam said.

‘I don’t think so,’ said Samuel. ‘That would be like saying there is a little bigness. No. I believe when you come to that responsibility the hugeness and you are alone to make your choice. On one side you have warmth and companionship and sweet understanding, and on the other – cold, lonely greatness. There you make your choice. I’m glad I chose mediocrity, but how am I to say what reward might have come with the other? None of my children will be great either, except perhaps Tom. He’s suffering over the choosing right now. It’s a painful thing to watch. And somewhere in me I want him to say yes. Isn’t that strange? A father to want his son condemned to greatness! What selfishness that must be.”

20. Do not let fear control you.

Fear is the worst enemy you will face.  Always run toward your fears, not away from them.  You will then find out that they only look formidable on the surface.