Songs of Pain and Hope

I’ve served under many types of bosses from various backgrounds.  Some were quite good and others should never have been conceived, much less given birth to.  Some even had elite educations, including from Ivy League schools.  My God, these were some of the poorest ones I’ve severe under.  They would sometimes literally look in a book for answers to real life situations like how to deal with going to a difficult neighborhood.  Invariably, they would often ask me for my input after the books failed.

But I just found that all merely amusing.

What I did not enjoy was the often entitled impractical expectations they often had.

I used to manage a unit with a good number of staff and roles.  They were half competent and half not so much.  The main problem was that they all were mostly unqualified to handle the tasks in front of them – which was to investigate the inner workings of the NYPD.  Almost all of them had neither the background or skills to adequately do the job.  But you go to war with the army you have, not the one you want.

So I did my best to cobble something together.

I don’t really like using military terms although law enforcement in general is paramilitary.  Instead, I thought of my responsibilities more as a chef.  I would quip that I was given McDonald’s ingredients and managed to make an Applebee’s meal out of all those

The problem with my bosses, however, is that they expected a steakhouse dinner with all the fixings.  And that in the words of Don Corleone, that I could not do.  We Malaysians know how to do a lot with little but there are limits.

I often think of some of my early jobs.  They weren’t easy and menial at times, but they gave me a good understanding of people and human nature, skills that would prove useful in many of these complicated positions and scenarios I was placed in.  One of my guides was the late John Boyd, who emphasized that people are first, ideas next, and technology last.  Sadly, this sequence is often reversed to detrimental effects.

There’s nothing wrong with an elite education.  It opens up doors to many opportunities.  But without complementary skills, you’re asking for a world of hurt.

If you think that Bruce Lee is the only Asian badass out there, check this guy out – Lee Kuan Yew, the man who led Singapore from a Third World country to a First in one generation.  Some hsve called him one of the grandmasters of the 20th Century next to Henry Kissinger.  

This is what true wisdom, intelligence, heart, and grit look like.  I encourage you to watch more of his speeches and read his writings.  Incisive, profound, effective.

I quoted him in staff meetings to my oftentimes bumblef___k supervisors who were trained at prestigious schools but knew so little about leadership and human nature.  

Look at the leaders around us – on both ends of the spectrum.  Dressed up chickens could make a better showing than some of them.

In Malaysia, the majority Malay-Muslims often treat other races like crap.  Disclaimer here – the best people I know are Muslims and so are the worst, like any other faith (or none).  In 1963, the Federation of Malaya kicked out Singapore which was a majority Chinese state.

It broke Lee Kuan Yew’s heart as his dream and vision was a united Malaysia.  But he stood his ground, buckled up, and led with courage and determination.  Singapore not only survived but thrived. He invested in arguably Singapore’s only but greatest resource- its people. At the time of the split, Singapore did not have a military, police force, or even a water source (it still doesn’t). Now its military is one of the strongest in the region, arguably only behind Australia. Singapore is one of the wealthiest nations in the world with strong institutions and reputation. It is certainly not perfect with criticisms of authoritarianism but that was the trade (maybe necessary) for survival. Singapore’s position geographically is very much like Israel, surrounded by at the least- not friendly neighbors.

For me, I am a child of Malaysia, Tanah Tumpahnya Darahku forever but our leadership was never close to his caliber, rendering us backward in many areas.

11. If you want to kiss the sky, better learn how to kneel.

Learn and practice humility.  Do not parade your position and accomplishments or forget that the path to greatness is with others.  Do not confuse humility with humiliation.  Humility reflects your true nature and allows yourself to shine and others to do the same.  It will simultaneously protect you and open up opportunities for growth.  Humility is not only the absence of conceit or pride, but the ability to absorb unjust criticism and attack.

12. Hold fast to who you are created to be.  

You are more than a conqueror.  This principle includes learning to embrace your brokenness.  At times, people will not understand or mock you for who you are.  Be angry at them if you must, but this anger should turn into pity, understanding, and finally acceptance.  No matter the circumstances you are in, remember that you are a child of God and a king or queen in your own right.  Remember, that only a few people’s opinions of you in this world truly matter – God, your family, and your true friends.  Even so, except for God’s presence, there will be moments where you will feel truly alone.  

13. Not every inner circle is worth joining.

You will meet many people who will try to win your affections as well as exclude you.  Know when to be courted and when to be rejected.  At times, it is better to be on the outside.  There are few inner circles worth joining, many are temporary and almost always based on self-interest.  Never trade your autonomy and freedom for less than what they are worth.

14. Learn how to respond to the crowd.

Know when to follow, lead, or turn your back on them.  You must learn when the crowd is a mob and when it is not.

15. If possible, do not be hated.

You will encounter the irrelevant question of whether it is better to be loved or feared.  Neither state really matters so long as you are not hated.  As the original author who stated the question himself explained, leaders who are loved or feared generally do not open themselves up to attack by their subordinates.  Those who are hated, however, are constantly under the threat of anyone who despises them.  There will be times, however, where it is unavoidable to be hated, especially when you are maintaining your integrity and living up to who you are created to be.  At these times, being hated is a sign that you are on the right path.  Conversely, do not hate others, especially when it is deserved.  Hate clouds your judgment and weakens your soul.

(From the DA years)

I am learning to listen to God’s voice and to drown out the others.  It takes a lot of self-discipline and faith. Standing for truth is lonely as hell. I am realizing that what I really want is to be held. People waste so much of their lives on meaningless things.  And sometimes God’s promises seem hollow. But we walk on to a place that has to be believed to be seen. All I want is love.  I will take it all – all You have to give.

(From the Indiana years)

An advisor colleague and I talked about how people are figuring out who they are.  It reminded me of why people take those tests like “Which Bubble Tea Are You?” or “Which Classic Movie Are You?”  I guess people want to find their place in the community.  We want to feel significant, if not unique.  Not belonging or knowing our place is a terrible thing. 

Thomas Merton writes that each of us has two names.  As we grow closer to God, we find our identity in Him as a child of His.

This is the first of our names – “I am the one that God loves.”  But we also have another name – the persons we are created to be.  Several characters in the Bible get their names changed by God as they receive grace and are called to Him – Jacob, Abraham, Paul, Peter.  Several characters receive their names at birth – John, Samuel, Jesus.  Each name reflects their struggle, transformation, and life. 

Our names are important because they define our calling and role.  Even the secular world recognizes this fact; many of us define ourselves by the work we do, the courses we study, the skills we have.  Those definitions fail only when we place all of our sense of being in those things and when we look to those definitions as the end-all, rather than a means to an end. 

How much do we define ourselves in relation to God?

What are our names?

I am starting to see who I am meant to be.

Originally named Wendy, she often gets short shrift in many areas.  On a lease, I listed her brother cat as the documented pet and snuck her in as the undocumented one to save some money.  She is the sweeter, more loyal and loving of the two.

I renamed her Liancat after my orphan grandmother because of the similarities in life stories.  Her adoption documents chronicle her story.  She was dropped off at  

the shelter after she got pregnant at her prior owner’s place.  Frightened, crying, sick, she suffers a miscarriage.  

No one wanted to adopt her for months and she had to be placed in foster care.  When it was her turn to be adopted, she came at half the adoption fee and the shelter staff couldn’t wait to send her to a forever home.

Still a true survivor and riser.  Fought off her brother when he acted like an idiot.  Comforted him during a thunderstorm.  Affectionate, the daughter says she talks to her when she’s sad.  Usually gentle, she hissed at the turtle for no apparent reason because of NYC stress.  She and I used to solve mysteries at night together, I called her Detective Inspector Liancat per British policing ranks.

The trauma remains.  In her file, there is a photo of her sleeping peacefully on her prior owner.  She was no more than 3 at the time.  More than 12 years later, she has never done that again, no matter how hard anyone has tried to get her to trust.

Liancat passed this year at the age of 16.

6. Every fool has something to teach you, every wise person a flaw to avoid.  

Avoid the temptation to dismiss a person who does not appear to be knowledgeable or helpful at first sight.  There is no such thing as a completely foolish person and there is nobody who is all-knowing.  Nonetheless, avoid foolish people and spend more time with those who are wise.  Do not worry if you cannot find someone who can answer all your questions and meet all your needs; you will be educated by a variety of people.  It is your responsibility to seek widely and deeply, and then to integrate the knowledge or wisdom that has been imparted to you.

Do not be discouraged if you find it hard to understand lessons at first.  The most useful are usually the hardest to absorb and those that are easily learned are often shallow.  Reflect on the lesson over time and it will permeate your understanding with all its layers, benefits, and insights.  Learn the lesson from every angle; realize its strengths, weaknesses, when it applies, and when it does not.  

7. Develop vision, courage, and discretion.

Without vision, you will be chasing illusions.  Without courage, you will never take the first step in your journey.  Without discretion, you will not know which path among many to choose.  

8. Learn the rhythm and pacing of life.  

There is a time to move quickly, tread carefully, remain motionless, and even retreat.  Know when winning is losing and losing is winning.  Surrendering can be appropriate in the short and long term – it buys you time to regroup and rebuild your resources while preventing your annihilation.  Do not make the mistake of committing to one tempo or volume; learn how to vary them.  It is important to know when to remember and when to forgive; when to prosecute and when to extend mercy; when to pursue and when to surrender.

9. Know when to shine, when to appear dull.

There is a time to hide your true qualities.  Never appear too perfect.  Know when to be rare, when to be common.  At times, what you have to offer will be ignored and even despised.  It is appropriate in this situation to pretend to be less than who you are.  But there will be a time when you will have the opportunity to reveal the best of who you are.  At this time, do not hold back, it does no one any good, most of all yourself.

10. Be strict with your sins, gentle with those of others.

Being compassionate is both practical and wise.  What you find easy to control is rarely so in others, and vice versa.  Everyone suffers and struggles even as they triumph and rejoice.  Most importantly, those who are merciful receive mercy in return.  However, know who to extend mercy to and who to crush and destroy.  If the situation requires the latter path, choose so after much contemplation and certainty, but ensure that you crush and destroy completely.  Not doing so opens yourself up to future attack.  Some people do not deserve any mercy.