Songs of Pain and Hope

There’s this Hindu scripture – the Bhagavad Gita. It is said to be Gandhi’s favorite book. I’ve tried to read it but I’ve had to watch the YouTube video summarizing it to understand its main messages. 

The opening scene of the book is powerful. A prince is on the battlefield with his army facing another one. The catch here is that they are in a civil war but somehow he’s on the side facing his former family and friends. Guilt stricken and torn as to what he needs and is about to do, he turns to his charioteer for counsel. 

The charioteer, who is secretly a god in disguise, replies with the following.  The time for thinking is over. You are a warrior and it’s your destiny to fight today, even if it’s against the ones you love. The god then goes into this long spiel on the universe, attachments, reincarnation, and other topics that I do not fully understand. 

But the lesson I picked up was profound. Many times, maybe you don’t really have to ask why a certain situation occurs. You just do what is in front of you and let the chips fall where they may. 

I’ve had to do this so much in my life. It is flying by instrument, walking by faith. It is easy to give in to despair and I wrestle with all that. 

And so it is with what I find important at the present moment – the kids, writing, next steps in God’s plan. 

And you.

Malaysian has a poetic culture. From the time we are young, we memorize our form of poetry called pantuns. These pantuns consist of four lines, with every other line rhyming. The first two lines describe something ordinary while the last two impart wisdom. My favorite goes like this. 

Pisang emas dibawa belayar 

Masak sebiji di atas peti 

Hutang emas boleh dibayar 

Hurang budi dibawa mati 

Golden bananas are transported by sail 

Cook one on the stove 

Debts of gold can be paid 

Debts of the heart are taken to the grave 

We often sing these pantuns as part of our most well-known folk song – Rasa Sayang which means I Feel Love. We are also a passionate, romantic culture at times. Our national anthem’s melody was originally a love song – Terang Bulan or Moonlight.

Malaysia pop or rock music got a lot better over the decades. When I was growing up, it was mediocre at best. But we do have a legitimately good rock song – Isabella by the group Search. It is unique because it opens with a bass solo. It is about forbidden love. Pound for pound, it can match up with any Western rock song. 

Our greatest musiuan, however, was a singer named Sudirman. Originally trained as a lawyer, he was a phenomenon. My favorite song of his is Salam Terakhir or Final Goodbye. It is dramatically haunting. He died at a young age, rumored of AIDS. 

 I can still remember enough Malay to get the gist of these songs. I still remember quite a few folk ones that I learned growing up. We have a line that goes – I want to die at her fingertips and be buried in the palm of her hand. 

That is pure poetry.

I know you’re really good at board games.  You’re real smart like that.  I was chuckling when you were recounting how you beat your dad in I can’t remember what game it was – Othello or backgammon.  I just recall it had black and white pieces.

I was a bit more erratic with board games.  I would do poorly or excel.  Usually, once I understood the rules, concepts, tactics, and strategy involved, I could hold my own.  It just took me some time.  In general, however, board games don’t appeal to me because I spent a good portion of my life having to solve problems at work and at home.

People are somewhat surprised when I tell them all that because they know I love strategy and practiced it on a relatively high level.  The difference between board game and real life strategy include the following:

1. Emotions

2. Not turn based

3. Fewer to no rules

4. The option not to move

5.  Non-static function and loyalty of pieces

6.  Time

7.  Gain and loss of assets

8.  Environment

I fought physically with mixed result but I fought primarily with my mind.  My first NYPD captain called me a mental warrior and my second said he would rather have me in a fight than the other senior lawyer in the unit who was an actual soldier.  A former colleague said I was a grandmaster in the way I defended the NYPD – methodical and organized.  She said that my opponents were playing checkers while I was playing 3D chess.  I replied  that I was playing Go, the game I feel most appropriates life.

There’s this great scene in Zhsng Yimou’s movie Hero where two warriors are fighting but the battle is played out in their minds.   The scene is set against the backdrop of a musician playing a song on an ancient stringed instrument as rain falls in a temple countryard.

Compelling and profound.

After the song abruptly ends after a string breaks on the instrument, the physicist component of the fight begins.  Unlike the mental battle, which is complex and lengthy, this is brief and simple.  The lesser warrior is cut down with a quick strike.

I think a lot of life works like that.

A substantial amount of mental even emotional work and preparation but the actual action of solution is quick.  My style and process was to spend a lot of time thinking and then acting.  It was thhs way with many things I did – casework, teaching, research, writing, naming the kids, faith, relationships, even healing,

And deciding to tell you how I felt.

That is not a game.

There were these two baseball pitches that fastened me with the way they played. Extremely umique and a life lesson for the power of adaptation. 

The first pitcher, Tim Wakefield, died recently. He spent most of his playing career with the Boston Red Sox and one of their all time leaders in wins. Unlike most pitchers, his primary pitch wasn’t the fastball. Most major league pitchers throw fastballs that are at least in the 90 mile per hour range – some even in the triple digits. His fastball clocked in the low 80s – even slower than high school players.  

Instead, Wakefield’s primary pitch was the knuckleball. He threw it almost exclusively. The pitch is unique because it is extremely slow – around the 60 and 70 mile per hour range. Its effectiveness, however, comes from its unpredictability. It is the only pitch that does not have any spin on it. This allows the ball to be affected by all sorts of random factors such as wind, gravity, and other unseen forces. The ball dips and curves sharply and quickly, dances around. When its thrown effectivel, it confounds hitters. 

The thing is that Wakefield wasn’t even originally a pitcher – he was a first baseman. The problem was he couldn’t hit. To continue playing, he had to adapt and thereby learned to throw the knuckleball. For most of his career, which spanned a considerable number of years, he was one of no more than 3 pitchers who threw the pitch in the major leagues, most of the time, he was the only one. 

One of the benefits of his pitching style was that he did not experience as much arm strain and damage than other pitchers. This would contribute to his longevity. One of the games he is most well-known for game in the 2004 American League Championship Series, the round before the World Series. The Red Sox were playing their rivals, the New York Yankees and they were getting blown out. Already down in the series, they were heading toward not only defeat in that game but the entire round. When the game was out of reach, Wakefield entered the game and pitched In relief, a role that wasn’t his norm. He pitched many innings and got scored on quite a bit.  

But by doing so, he allowed the other pitchers on the team to rest and save their arms for the remaining games. The Red Sox eventually complete a historic comeback to win the series, the first and only team in Major League Baseball history to erase a 3-0 deficit. They go on to win the World Series, Boston’s first after decades of futility, breaking a so-called curse. Wakefield’s sacrificial performance allowed his teammates to continue in the following games that led to their eventual triumph. 

The other pitcher that is memorable to me is less well-known but also unique. Todd Frohwirrh played for the Baltimore Orioles when I was a kid. The season he debuted with the team wasn’t a good one for the team.  They lost a lot of games. Their starting pitching staff was mediocre at best and alliowd opposing teams to take early leads. 

And that’s where Frohwirrh continued by stabilizing the game as a relief pitcher. He came into the game and gave the team a chance to complete. He was particularly effective because, like Wakefield, he had a unique pitching style. Unlike almost every other pitcher who threw overhand, he was a submariner, throwing from an underhand angle. Although his fastball wasn’t so fast, the weirdness of his pitches’ delivery made it difficult for hitters to track and locate them to make contact. He ended up with one of the lowest earned run averages in the league. Like Wakefield, he adapted. Originally, he was an overhand pitcher but wasn’t effective and had to learn to be a submariner. His career wasn’t as lengthy as Wakefield’s but he had a few very good seasons. In fact, duringd a his first season, he is one of the team’s leaders in pitching wins, a rare feat for a relief pitcher. His ability to keep the game close allowed his teammates to often rally for wins.

Finally, there is this scene from the movie Adaptation. These twin brothers are talking to each other. The first says he remembers this one time when his brother was madly in love with a girl and was so happy to be in her presence but affer he left, she and her friends started laughing at him. The first brother then goes on and says he felt that in a way they were making fun of him and felt so badly for his brother that he didn’t know what wss going on. The other brother, however, said he knew but it didn’t matter to him. Because it was his love to give no matter what the recipient did or did not do. And that it’s all about what you love not what loves you. Although she thought he was pathetic, he was still happy. He owned that love and no one could take it from him, not even her. 

These are a lot of words to tell you whet you already knew.

I had to adapt and sacrifice a lot for others. And the other thing.

There’s this scene at the end of the first Infernal Affairs movie where the police and Triad moles finally confront each other. For the entire movie, both men have been struggling with their roles and identities.  The Triad yearns to be a legitimate police offiver while the undercover officer wonders if he even a real one anymore.

In one of the most powerful scenes in the movie, the legitimate one, despite not having his badge or police credentials on him, reaffirms who he really is and reclaims his identity. When he arrests the mole, he says, I’m a police officer and you’re not. 

Often, I have wondered who I am. Was I good or bad? I know we are all in between as human beings. My former nun friend said we all have to look at the banner flying over our heads to see who we really are. 

Like in that scene, I think I can identify with the legitimate officer. I know what I did. Although I still have my DA shield (which goes the daughter) and my NYPD cap with command pins and merit citation (which goes to the boy), these are reflections and reminders.

I say this repeatedly and I know many don’t get it. 

A Philadelphia Assistant DA and NYPD till the day I die.

I was actually a decent offensive player in the sports I played. I could shoot, pass, score goals, hit. Played a lot of the leadership positions – point guard, quarterback, shortstop, goalie. 

But my real skill was defense. 

I’ve always felt a strong calling to be a defender – sports and real life. When I played, I could often steal balls, intercept passes, tackle, field. Even when I played ultimate frisbee, I gravitated toward defending even though this role was meant for taller players. I loved organizing the defense. 

And I loved playing goalie. 

These two ice hockey ones stood out to me – Don Beaupre and Ray LeBlanc. 

Beaupre played for the Washington Capitals when I first arrived in the US.  He was small – at 5’7” he was no more than 2 inches taller than me. But he would single-handedly win games. At that time, the team had a hard time scoring and he would make save after save against some very talented teams. He was my hero. 

LeBlanc played on one of the US Olympic teams. Back then, countries could not send players from the NHL, the world’s premier league. The US sent a collection of college and minor league players. They had to play teams from other countries with more seasoned professionals. They were decidedly underdogs. 

But for LeBlanc. 

A career minor leaguer who was never good enough to latch onto a NHL roster, he was the starter and old in comparison to his teammates. Like Beaupre, he single handedly won games and even got the US against all odds to fourth place in the tournament, not a small achievement for a simply overmatched team. After the Olympics, he returns a hero and even plays a few NHL games but it’s his courage in the Olympics that is remembered. 

When I was NYPD, I photoshopped the following phrase over a picture of our headquarters – Protect This House I Will. I actually stole that phrase from an UnderArmor ad campaign, which originated from the University of Maryland. Some of my colleagues recognized and appreciated the symbolism and meaning behind that photo.

I did many things for them but my primary role was to protect the department, officers, and thereby the city. In my special way, I protected the protectors – a great honor.

The one band that makes me think of you the most is Journey.  I can’t remember if we exchanged CDs or you lent me your copy but whatever.

The songs that stick out to me are  Lights, Wheel in the Sky, Open Arms.  Lights makes me think of all the places I’ve lived in and visited, the longing for love.  Wheel in the Sky has the same theme as Kansas’ Dust in the Wind – the ethereal nature of this existence.  Open Arms is just beautiful in its description of what love should be and captures how I feel about you.

And the one that makes me think of you – Faithfully.  While the song is about the songwriter’s marriage and how difficult it is due to his career as a musician, the lyrics are applicable for some reason.   This is the one song of all songs that I associate with you.

Finally, the surprising one – not on the album we both listened to, When You Love a Woman.  This is easily the earworm of them all.  Its melody follows the classic chord pattern of the I, minor III, IV, V which is found in many songs.  The lyrics are sappy and not the most poetic.

But they work.

Love is messy.

But it’s still love.

Sometimes in my darker and sadder moments, I tnink the best has already past me by and whatever follows will be second best or worse. I have to constantly fight this way of thinking because it’s not only unhealthy, it’s also wrong. Not just perhaps or maybe, but the best is to cone. I hope so anyway. 

Last year, I thought that if my life to date could be compared to a meal, it would not be one at a fancy restaurant one but the family meal served to the restaurant staff. I don’t want to overly romanticize this as I’ve never worked in the restaurant industry but my understanding is that the meal is still prepared with care, good ingredients, by chefs, and you’re eating with colleagues, who some hopefully are friends. 

We used to go to a church in Boston with very educated, wealthy people, many of them young. They had nice houses, cars, well paying jobs. I was trying to break into the international sector. I’d be lying if I didn’t say I envied them. 

But sometimes I think God says that path is not for you. It is too safe, too small. Is this what you really want with what I’ve given you? When I was struggling to come up with a viable research question for my dissertation, I would listen to Fleetwood Mac’s Go Your Own Way on repeat. Although it was intended to be an acrimonious breakup song, it felt like God was speaking to me through the lyrics. 

Loving you isn’t the right thing to do 

How can I ever change things that I feel?

If I could, baby, I’ll give you my world

How can I 

When you won’t take it from me? Open up 

Everything’s waiting for you 

And here’s the somewhat dire warming.  A friend asked me whet I felt God telling me if I didn’t want to follow His will.  I replied with the lines from the song’s title.

You can go your own way

You can call it another lonely day

Even now, some people think I’m at a low point but i don’t completely see it that way. I know I tried to follow God’s plan, as clumsy or inelegant as it seemed or was in reality. Those that know me well understand I’m in a sort of a cocoon phase. 

God is still present and the evidence shows itself in many ways – small and large, many times unexpected. I would love to be with you and I could point to my good qualities but I would also have to own up to my bad ones. I have both. 

What will you make the difference is I would allow God in.