Songs of Pain and Hope

1. A friend asked me how to prepare our daughters for the world.  I had some thoughts but one that came intuitively was this – Teach them to properly swear and pray.  Most people don’t know how to do either well.

2. Believing in God is not the same thing as believing God.

3. Sometimes, God is not asking you to kneel.

He is asking you to stand. That is also faith.

4, If there’s anything I’ve learned over the past few years (that I should have learned previously) is that to go where and with whom you will be valued.   Nothing less.

5. I’ll also say this – before you say you’ll pray for someone, ask first what they need. And if you don’t want to ask, just pray that all will be made well. Better still, ask what you can do to help in addition to praying.

I once heard a sermon about the prophet Jonah and how weak, cowardly, and foolish he was.  Usually, I’m pretty apathetic if I wasn’t already daydreaming.  But this time, I got really upset and told someone sitting next fo me what I thought.

Fundamentally, you don’t talk about a prophet of God that way.  You don’t become one by being a weak idiot type.  There’s also a verse I really like – “Surely God does nothing without first revealing his plans to His servants, His prophets.”

Jonah just doesn’t want to go to Nineveh because it’s a crap job.  I’m no biblical scholar or minister, but my understanding is that he was supposed to help save Israel’s mortal enemies.  I would have done the same.

For me, NYC was my Nineveh.  I will not write a direct  account but several indirect ones.  Really didn’t want to go there, pretty much tried everything and everywhere.  But it was the only job offer I received for a position I had no interest or training for.  

The story of Jonah ends with him stranded in Nineveh under a hot sun next to the withered vine that used fo shelter him.  I’ve always felt for him.  Raw deal.  I hope at least God took care of him properly after all that.

I recently spent some time in the Golden State visiting family and friends.  I’ll say this – the Korean food in LA is out of this world.  I stayed next door to a 24 hour Korean soup joint.  It was amazing.  Also had the requisite Korean BBQ and BCD Tofu House (so iconic that when the founder died, it made the New York Times).

I also met up with a friend who pretty much lived out the lyrics of Led Zeppelin’s Going to California.  When a portion of your life mirrors a classic song, you know you’re charmed.

One of my closest friends from high school and I used to dream about California.  We both didn’t have the easiest childhoods and teenage years.  We swore we would go West after graduation.  I only made it as far as Indiana.  He made it to Western Europe.

California, however, was the promised land.  Natural beauty.  Far from the DC area.  And I won’t lie – those sung of California girls.  In class daydreaming, I used to draw pictures of myself with my guitar strapped to my back facing the Sierra Nevadas.

I’ve also driven significant portions of the state, including most of the Pacific Coast Highway.  I used to tell people, you haven’t listened to a rock song properly until driving at high speeds in California.

And I did once write the girl I lit the candles for with Jimmy Page’s line from the titular song – “Find a queen without a king.  They say she plays guitar and cries and sings.”

(From the DA years)

There is no fear in love but perfect love drives out fear.  It is easy to fear things that have not occurred.  But that type of fear is paralyzing and impedes our capacity and effectiveness to love.  

Many times I fear God using me because I know that to be used, one must be broken.  But I realize that we do not look only to the cross for hope but to the empty tomb.  

It is true that the cross always precedes the crown.  It is not a selfish thing to want to be rewarded; it is rather a human need.  The difference is in what reward we seek.  If the treasures we seek are material or earthly, then I’m sure that’s not the way to go.  

But if we truly seek that what is considered to be treasures in heaven – love, security, peace, rest – we will not be disappointed.  

No eye has seen, no ear has heard, or mind ever conceived of the riches that God has set apart for us.  I must admit that the concept of those riches never appealed to me because I pictured precious metals or jewels.  

But I know now that those riches mean something else. Voices that speak lies originate in fear while those that speak truth originate in love. Realizing that one does not really matter in the earthly sense is freeing.  The world will go on without me, no matter how important I am in its eyes.  But this thought frees me to love.

1: Some things only grow in the dark.  The best things always take a long time to develop.

2. At one of my jobs, we used to have this board where everyone would take turns putting up a quote. I waited till my last day.  It was a warning and a prophecy because I would have to take down my former colleagues and team later on. “Though the mills of God grind slowly, they grind exceedingly small.”

3. The greatest blessing. Or curse. May you get all that you want.

4. Someone once told me I needed to return to God. I replied – I never left.

5. I have occasionally wondered what I would have on my gravestone.  Who I was, what I did, etc. I think I’d be ok with “He held his ground.  He held his own.”wasn’t elite at whatever I did – lawyering, teaching, sports, music, and other endeavors.  But I was always a tough out.

6. But I think everything is cracked.  It has always been this way and will always be so.  This is for everyone.  The key variable is how to deal with it.  And that’s not a cold harsh saying as it might sound or a trite throwaway line.  It’s about finding hope and peace in the right places.

Ring the bells that still can ring.

Organizations fascinate me.  For all the talk about the power of one, one man in the name of love, etc, organizations have the ower to affect a lot, change the world.  I’ll just name the obvious ones – Google, Facebook, Apple, Amazon.  The small ones matter too, sometimes tails wag dogs, not the size of the dog, size of fight in the dog.  My boss’ eyes glazed over when I described institutional theory – how organizations evolve, learn. adapt, and exert their will.  Unfortunate, because he really had such a key role but didn’t realize it.  He literally had the power to affect 8.5 million NYCers.  Instead, he focused on grammar lessons for the paralegals and news articles about him.  I really did like the man and I do miss him.  He was at least a nice guy at heart.

Organizations also exist on the darker side of the spectrum – cults, organized crime, gangs, discussed below.

Gangs weren’t my specialty.  I vaguely learned how to make the Blood sign and a passable version of the Crip walk.  I learned a ton from a close, respected friend.  How they form, function, etc.  Eye-opening.  Insightful.  Troubling.  

Until I realized I had joined one of the biggest gangs of all.  Historically, I purposely sought out big organizations for employment – for legitimacy, potential for impact, name recognition.  But also for reasons why people join gangs (yes, I know not mutually exclusive, also applicable to legit ones) – purpose, common goal, belonging, the power of many.

Sometimes, I worry about the boy and girl – not that they would join a gang, but lead one.  I’m not sure whether to be scared, intrigued, or even smile a bit.

One of the squad leaders at Investigations told me I was playing a game with broken pieces.  Yup – and a whole lot more.  I used to say that one of the skills I’ve picked up since young is to play with not only said broken pieces, but also color changing ones on a shifting board.  

I was good at times, bad at others.  While not true all the time, I mostly did not enjoy it.  May have been designed for some of it, but I really just wanted to sit by the ocean, read books, and play with cats.

Many times, the board has looked poor.  The number of unmovable pieces has grown with time.  Sometimes, I hear the possible voice of God whisper, you’re looking at the board wrong.  Most of the time, I just stare at the board with questions, sometimes with resignation.

But all variables aside and the fact that the unmovable pieces aren’t as formidable as they appear, I can still move the most important piece – mine.  

There’s an excellent award winning documentary available for free on YouTube “AlphaGo” – it chronicles the series of matches played by an AI program against a Go grandmaster.

I won’t tell you who prevails, but there is a key game in there where the grandmaster makes an unexpected counterintuitive move.  And it’s brilliant, the winner, even possibly divinely inspired.  In fact, it’s now known in the Go community as the “God Move.”

I’ve done this several times.  It looks like spur of the moment but it’s based in Coach John Wooden’s philosophy of slow-slow fast-fast.  He planned his practices down to the minute – not only efficient, but effective.

And sometimes it’s not a “God Move” but rather a series of moves (still learning this one).