Songs of Pain and Hope

I wrote this distillation of lessons I learned through reading wisdom, strategic, and other texts from a variety of cultures, eras, and sources.

And also by living.

It took me several years to complete.

It is for the most precious people in my life.

My children.

1. Be versatile.

Use a combination of strategies and tactics in accomplishing your goals.  Not doing so creates complacency and ineffectiveness.  Some goals can only be accomplished with limited ways, in some cases, only one – but this is the exception rather than the rule.  

2. Fulfill your responsibilities and treat people well.

Succeeding at one without the other is imbalanced and ineffective.  Concentrating on the former makes you a narrow specialist; the latter, an empty suit.  The most effective source of power is your character followed by the relationships you build and the skills you have developed.

3. Do not step on others, but do not let yourself be stepped on.  

This lesson comes courtesy of your paternal great-grandmother, a strong and resilient woman who survived adversity which would have destroyed most people. Her blood runs in you.  Strong people who hurt others are wicked; those who do nothing are cowards; those who protect and serve are worthy of their gifts. 

4. Treat everyone as a friend but trust only a few as one.

You will have a small number of friends in this world.  People are all too human in their envy and lack of loyalty.  Let the events of time test your friendship before you make a full judgment on whom to trust.  Every person has a price for their integrity except a true leader; his or hers must not and cannot be bought.  Accordingly, do not be surprised or disheartened when someone you consider a friend betrays or fails you.  Conversely, the more loyal and faithful you demonstrate yourself to be, the greater your ability to lead and serve others despite the cost to yourself.

5. Be careful with who or what you worship.

I defer here to the insight of David Foster Wallace:

“There is no such thing as not worshipping. Everybody worships. The only choice we get is what to worship. And the compelling reason for maybe choosing some sort of god or spiritual-type thing to worship … is that pretty much anything else you worship will eat you alive. If you worship money and things, if they are where you tap real meaning in life, then you will never have enough, never feel you have enough. It’s the truth. Worship your body and beauty and sexual allure and you will always feel ugly. And when time and age start showing, you will die a million deaths before they finally grieve you…  Worship power, you will end up feeling weak and afraid, and you will need ever more power over others to numb you to your own fear. Worship your intellect, being seen as smart, you will end up feeling stupid, a fraud, always on the verge of being found out.”

In the beginning of the movie version of American Sniper, a father is teaching his kids about the three types of people in life – wolves, sheep, and sheepdogs.  Possibly a bit simplistic – the line between wolf and sheepdog can be a tad blurry, probably not too many pure sheep out there.  But we can work with it.

One of the coolest parts of the NYPD was learning how it protected the largest city in the US.  I’d often say that the threats to the city were 360 degrees – air, land, sea, underground (this one is really problematic), hidden.  And as I sadly came to learn, internal.

Nonetheless, I respect and value the concept of the guardian.  It applies not only to professions it is traditionally associated with such as military and police, but others like teaching and public service.  I’m not the hypervigilant type (probably need to be more so), but there are genuine threats, not just the physical versions, but also mental and moral (and I’m not referring to some hardcore fundamentalist definition).

I had to ask my DA Chief recently who was running for president.  This is how much I don’t care about politics.  I grew up in a   country where it really doesn’t matter who wins.  A monkey throwing coconuts could do a better job governing than many of the clowns that took office.  New boss same as the old boss.  But as I’ve mentioned, most of my career was politically involved and driven.  I have my fingerprints in some places.

This one is about seeing the best in people.

My work was definitely legal, policy, and strategy driven.  I am generally proud of all that but I rather now write.  Find someone who actually gets what I’m talking about rather than the seemingly illiterate or really ignorant ones who have no idea what this is all about.  But once, I was actually an active participant in the electoral process – as an election monitor.  I had to do this as part of my duties as a DA.

So they sent me to locations in West Philadelphia, not the nicest part of town because I lived relatively close by.  I had to go early in the morning and stay relatively late.  As such, I didn’t really have the easiest time to actually cast my vote where I was registered.

Someone at church chastened me for not voting.  This sheltered woman who didn’t have my duties.  Sure, maybe I could have tried harder if I really cared but this was often the attitude of those I grew up with.  Always looking for the worst.  What I call the chink in the armor.  Ok, I can say that – if you’re not Chinese, you probably shouldn’t if you get my drift.  This was so true of family, the in-laws, and even some friends.  Thankfully, I had those who did the opposite and I’m grateful for them.  

It is honestly hypocritical to be so one-sided.  I’ve said this about many I’ve encountered, especially in the DC area – I call it defensive arrogance.  Instead of trying to build others up, they tear down.  Enough.  There is a hidden cost of all this.  No one will come for them.  Maybe even on the day of judgement.  The love you take is equal to the love you make.  Never forget that one.

I was talking to some nurses after the Pearl Jam concert in Minneapolis.  We discussed less than savory coworkers.  I told them they eventually will get what’s coming to them.  And it will be be from a source they least expect.  Sometimes, it’s not the dragon that slays you, it’s the undetectable virus.   All the ones they stepped on do not forget and all it takes is the right opportunity to do something.  The doctors may call the shots but it’s the nurses who administer them (or not).

And it’s also the unexpected sources who often save you.  The snake at work kept trying to get me.  My team protected me, even lying on my behalf.  One of them even cried when she apologized for answering his questions.  I had their loyalty because they had mine.  I knew how to see the best in them, many times because I didn’t receive the same.

Will Smith, a Philadelphian, got it right when he said to let God deal with the things that  people do.  But those repayments do come and in many ways.

The love received is the love that is saved.

I’ve eaten one meal a day for most of my life.  This was for many reasons – mainly negligent and self-absorbed caretakers.  It got me ready to endure quite a bit and live out an eventful existence to date.  Even as a practicing attorney, I followed this pattern.  I basically ate two dishes – pasta with tuna, peas, and miracle whip and pasta with eggs and baked beans.  Watched a ton of sports and Netflix.  It allowed me to pay off loans, find a wife, and set the path to a future that is still being written.

This one is about how things that are worth it have great costs.

I joke that the highlight of my life wouldn’t be the weekly trip to Costco.  I do love Costco but it’s about more than that.  It’s about the dreaming.  So long as you can do that, God or the universe can come into that and work the necessary magic.  It will just involve pain – a boatload at times.  If you want to kiss the sky, better learn how to kneel.

I had a conversation with a friend who had similar upbringing and experiences.  We talked about how it was a hidden blessing to have a difficult path and how God gave enough moments of reminders to persevere.  I wanted a lot – even if I didn’t let it show.   The Asian community, especially the church ones, often conflate humility with defeatism, greatness with expertise.  As I’ve said the real game is still impact and influence.  I’ve sat with people with high sounding titles who have the authority of a glorified secretary.  That’s not a game worth playing.

What is worth it is debatable and it’ll vary by person.  But I think one knows when they see it – a position, place, person.  My faith teaches a parable about a man who sees the most exquisite and rare pearl – and sells everything he possesses to purchase it.  That is the meaning of priceless.

Pretty much no one has ever asked me what I really dreamed of or wanted.  That too is a hidden blessing.  We store our treasures in jars of clay and dragons must be hidden before their time.  Also, never let anyone outside the Family know what you’re thinking.

Cry now, smile later.

Wealth, power, fame.  They all matter.  Don’t listen to those who say otherwise.  They are dishonest.  What they shouldn’t be are end goals for their own sake and selfish reasons.  Also one should be aware of their acute limitations as well as their ability to impact others.

This one is about influence – the real game.

So I ask, why isn’t there an Asian American Supreme Court Justice?  No need to answer.  It’s pretty obvious.  This isn’t a game that can be played and won currently but perhaps one day.  When I was a DA, I made a call to the National District Attorneys Association and asked (politely) how many Asian elected prosecutors there were in the US.  Zero.  The same grade percentage I once had in my high school programming class.  I told my team leader and he sounded out some lane, defensive excuse.  Just guilt talking.

But that is all just an aside and MacGuffin.  I didn’t understand this fully until my detective friend pointed it out.   The wining and dining one of my commissioners did was to be a mover and shaker.  Thankfully, I don’t think he played it all that well – not enough of a gangster.  You gotta be able to make offers one can’t refuse or roll the hard six, not just take shortcuts or give empty orders.  The key is to see the strings in order to pull them.  It’s stunning to see how many can’t do this well.

One class that I didn’t have a zero percentage in high school was history.  The Richelieu’s, Bismarck’s, Metternich’s, Cao Cao’s (more on him to come) were the real power behind the throne.  That’s how to play the game.  I also can’t believe I said one of the classic lines by Don Corleone at a staff meeting – that someone who was an empty suit was a pimp while it was someone else who was the real threat.  That was surprisingly well received and understood. 

I now think on where real influencers come from.  Teachers of course but also artists of every kind.  That’s where a lot of the hidden power is found. 

But would be nice to have an Asian Supreme.