Songs of Pain and Hope

I’m really quiet.  I know I can talk ears off and write pages on topics, but that’s just when the tap is turned on.  Most of the time in this life, I was quietly alone.  Ask any of my teachers.  That’s how I also solved problems.  It can scare people.  Lots of silence, then a series of moves.  As some have found out.

One of my favorite historical characters was the Japanese warrior-philosopher Miyamoto Musashi.  Already a good swordsman, he realizes he has much to think and work on.  He goes into a forest for several years by himself to meditate and learn.  When he comes out, he has perfected his skills and ends up being unbeaten in combat.  He eventually writes The Book of Five Rings, a book on strategy, conflict, and faith that has inspired, influenced many – including Bruce Lee and John Boyd.

The prophet Elijah does not find God in the wind, earthquake, or fire but in the silence.  Looking back, I had a lot of silent periods, even when surrounded by others.  Probably learned more than in a classroom.

On the other hand, there is Shusaku Endo’s book Silence (movie by Scorsese), a most depressing work where God is seemingly silent in the face of tragic circumstances.

I once learned some tai-chi and knife-fighting from a student of Dan Inosanto, who Bruce Lee personally taught.  Also picked up some sword tai-chi at school.  Elegant, beautiful, and reflected deadly moves.  I ended up getting a practice sword from San Francisco’s Chinatown which I kept in my Philadelphia office to scare off mice.  No worries, I am a pure amateur at fighting.

In addition to the sword, I had a quick opener and a butterfly or balisong knife – one with the Javanese wavy kris blade from my far side of the world.  They are truly elegant weapons from a more civilized age.

The creation of a samurai sword or katana is especially fascinating.  A labor of love and art form requiring mastery.  The steel used takes three days and nights to smelt, using ancient techniques and high temperatures, resulting in 2 tons of usable product from roughly 25 tons of raw material.  The process yields high carbon steel to ensure a hard, sharp edge and low carbon for a tough, flexible core.  After removing impurities through a grueling process to ensure blade strength, the two types of steel are combined to form the body.  Final steps to insulate, curve , polish, and outfit the blade, the arduous process involving more than a dozen men over six months is complete. 

Like whiskey, the forging of a katana has lessons for human development – quality of raw material, pressure, time, refinement, etc.  Two questions – Does one even want to go through this process?  And if so, which stage is applicable?

The benefits of being a katana-like person are the potential to be effective, powerful.  But at high cost.  I performed this exercise with my students – chart out the life of a potential President from birth.  Most times, the result would be a straight line to the top.  I then asked if this reflected reality and they realized that the path is usually filled with obstacles and challenges – part of the process.

I have a Malaysian accent.  It is my real voice.  I only truly use it with one person in this whole world – my aunt in Malaysia who helped raise me.  In some ways, she knows me better than most people.  A son of Malaysia forever.

We talk about family, memories, disappointment, and faith.  Sometimes, I tell her what I think about God in my darker, weaker moments.

That He is a fucking moron.

Weak, stingy, calculating, foolish, cowardly, a sell out, harsh, etc.

Until I realize that’s not who I’m thinking of.  Those are my relatives – especially some very close ones that you can likely guess who they are.

On a related note, I often wonder why my support network was so patchy and spotty even though I had to go through pretty difficult challenges.  It definitely wasn’t for lack of trying.  

I did.  

Sought out mentors, advisors, friends at every level and location – to very mixed results.  I listened intently and processed what they said.  There were a few gems,  but most were mediocre to awful.

The reason I think was to teach reliance and dependence on God.

My grandfather figure asked me what I wanted to live for – including the respect or adulation of others.  I replied not at all – that was an older, less mature version.  I’m no saint and I don’t really aspire to be one so I don’t get this perfectly right.

But as Easter approaches, we see how the opinions of people change rapidly.  One moment you’re being cheered as you enter the city and the next you’re hanging on a cross mocked by the same crowd.

I have a tight circle of people whose opinions I value.  Almost all of them have endured a lot.  They have lived.  The late pizza delivery for them isn’t the tragedy of the day.

Yet, it is still about the audience of One.

Very tough to believe and implement at times.  But I still think the correct path.

Probably not a surprise but I’ve never really liked the original Law and Order.  Too vanilla and boring.  Also no SVU spin-off for me – at this point I’ve been familiar with thousands of sexual assault fact pattens, that this is just needless torture.

I will say though that the iteration I will go to bat for is Criminal Intent.  This got me ready significantly for my career as it focuses on the psychology of the criminal.  The lead detective, Robert Goren, is also fascinating.  A former military police, his keen understanding of human nature, the world, and facts gives him the necessary intuition and edge.  Not every detective is like him, but they do exist.  

This type of intelligence isn’t the classic academic one, but rather the fluidity of an autodidact and Renaissance man.  The shows first few seasons are the best and one can learn a ton about human nature by watching.  The other worthy shows in this genre are Homicide : Life on the Street and The Wire.

1. Some of the people who know me the best have been discussing Asian American culture with me.  The common themes – superficiality, hollow, posers.  It’s not just the larger majority culture that’s the problem.  The true Asian culture is rooted in thousands of deep thought and history.  Not this facsimile.One time, this Asian guy was pretending to be Allen Iverson, doing fancy dribbling moves.  I just went up to him, got into my crouching defensive position, stuck my hand in his face and said “Let’s go.”  Homeboy drops the ball and refuses to play.

2. At the end of it all, it was about the stolenmoments of solitude and serenity in the midst of life’s loneliness and chaos.  Do we choose our journeys or do they choose us? It’d probably a bit of both.

3. I used to envy (sort of) peers with higher salaries, fancier titles, cars (not so much).  But it’s true, you take nothing with you.  It’s all about what you leave behind. I was talking to a friend and I said I wasn’t anywhere near the master, Bruce Lee.  But one day, people will remember that a kid from Malaysia and Gaithersburg, Maryland, stood and spoke up in court and the boardroom. taught, guided, made shots, saves, catches that no one else could.  And that’s how things slowly change.

4. In a snowstorm, what do you build with the following. A bicycle, a toy tractor, a speedboat. The answer – a snowmobile.  The handles from the bicycle, treads from the tractor, and the motor from the speedboat. And that in a nutshell is how strategic works courtesy of Col. John Boyd.

5. Recently, I also listened to a book  – Lament for a Son.  The author, a theologian, lost his son in a climbing accident.  Some of his friends said the most imbecilic things to him.  Stuff like you still have other kids, God chose not to save him, God caused the mountain to shake, etc. He concludes that for those who have the words of life, be truly grateful.  For the others, he was gracious and said something like they would fade out but  you know he really wants to say “Shut the f___ up.”

There’s a theory in football which goes – the closer your position to the ball pre-snap, the smarter you are or have to be as a player.  Applying it (not saying it’s correct) quarterbacks and centers are higher up on the food chain and receivers not so much.  May have some truth as quarterbacks have to handle a lot and centers are responsible for calling out the protection scheme.

I also wonder if this theory is applicable to baseball.  If I had come to the US earlier, I would have liked fo do the Little League thing.  And play catcher.  If the position wasn’t so undemanding and boring in softball, I would have chosen it.

Catching fascinates me because not only are you involved in every play, you have to be a real student of the game.  To not only know your pitching staff but also the tendencies of opposing hitters and how to call a game.  Also the most physically demanding, on your knees the whole game.

Good catchers are worth their weight in gold.  The need for intelligence (known as the thinking man’s position), game awareness, defensive abilities, the other intangibles often outweigh the need for offensive output.  

I had aspirations for the boy to play catcher.  Even if he was athletically inclined, not really sure, he would be too small.  Modern day catchers are expected to be bigger, presumably for targeting and wear-and-tear purposes.

I wish I could write songs better.  Bono, Leonard Cohen, Jimmy Page, I am not.  I could only squeeze out one verse for a song I tried to write for the girl I lit the candles for.  There is only one song I wrote that I consider decent and I’ve forgotten some of the words.  

But if I were a songwriter there are those I wish I could have written – Cohen’s Hallelujah, a good number of U2’s, John Legend’s All of Me. 

There is one song, however, that I find somewhat clever – Closing Time by Semisonic.  The one with the chorus “I know who I want to take me home” and commonly thought to be about a bar closing for the night.  In reality, it’s about the birth of the lead singer’s child.  Once you hear the explanation, you’ll never listen to it the same way again.

The line “Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end” is poignant and prophetic.  For someone like me who really dislikes change and values stability, order, I’ve either been forced or chosen to embrace this principle.

All that in mind, it is comforting and even hopeful.  Bono sings – “Always pain before a child is born, still I’m waiting for the dawn.”

And those new beginnings, they too will end, it is just one unbroken story.