Songs of Pain and Hope

Many of the baskets I made were off long range jumpers but I also scored a lot off putbacks after an offensive rebound.  For someone with my height and jumping ability – or really lack thereof – I was a good rebounder.  For me, it was about positioning, angles, anticipation, and timing.  I just knew or felt where the ball would end up after a missed shot. 

This is all relevant to what I realized recently – that many of my major life events came with some type of hiccup and usually after multiple attempts.  These included being with my first love, getting into law school, becoming a DA, getting married, going to Boston, getting an internship to the UN in Austria, defecting to the NYPD, and probably others I’ve forgotten about.  This was the story of my life.

Like rebounding the ball, it is about persistence, timing, positioning, and the other factors I’ve mentioned.  Tenacity and perseverance goes a long way to compensate for ability and resources.  

But I also think this is about faith and belief – not just second chances or attempts.

I just knew where and what I needed to be.  And in some cases, who I needed to be with.  Closed doors can open and at the end of it all, God is a good locksmith or even lock picker.  After an initial disappointment, I would often try to stay calm and retain as much faith as possible.  And usually, the timing would work out better on the later attempt.

This life is full of challenges – many out of our control as well as self-inflicted.  But there is something about grace and providence amidst the brutality, chaos, and seeming randomness.  I met all the right people I needed – allies and antagonists alike.  Went to all the places I needed to go – heaven and hell.   And what I did – both the memorable and mistakes – these were all accounted for.

Oh how I loved making the shot from the top of the key and the surprised looks I’d get for the range I had (anything within half-court).  But real life wasn’t quite like that.  A basket is still a basket, however, and an ugly win is still a win.

If anything, I learned that there is rarely such a thing as never, especially if God or the universe wills it.     In some ways, scoring off the rebound is more satisfying as it in some ways requires more work.  It’s very Washington Bullets like in the workman and often painful way in which they scored.

Just never give up.  

Get there somehow.

A major component of my skill set was to detect patterns.  If you can do that, sometimes but not always, you can do something to address the situation at hand.  I haven’t figured out exactly how I developed this skill but part of it came from working jobs that were repetitive.  Somehow, that gave me a good feel for patterns in people and situations.

One of the topics I’ve been discussing recently is how we can get stuck in patterns of our own.   In jobs, routines, relationships.  Not bad or good enough to really make any changes, so we plod on.  And this prevents us from reaching our destiny.  The grace disguised here is when something happens, usually not so good, to break that pattern.  But while this can be painful, it actually pushes you toward a better destination.

When I look back at many of my experiences, I realize how it was the difficult people and places that played a significant role in getting me out of my comfort zone and to the next place or level.  People can be trapped by many things – poverty, violence, addiction.  And the subtle ones – complacency and comfort.  These are all chains – some are just golden.

One of the differences between U2 and Pearl Jam concerts other than the spectacle and special effects of the former is the way they handle set lists.  When U2 goes on tour, the songs played from show to show are virtually identical and even in sequences.  They may throw in a surprise here and there but it’s generally scripted.  Pearl Jam, on the other hand, plays an entirely different set every show.  The opening song is always key and sets the tone for the rest of the night.  They start with something different and there’s some instinct and feel involved in what they choose to play.  This unpredictability keeps it fresh and prevents stagnation for fans and also themselves.

U2 also usually doesn’t play from their whole catalogue but Pearl Jam does.  U2 rarely to never plays Acrobat or the Unforgettable Fire.  Pearl Jam plays pretty much everything they’ve written.  These are pleasant surprises when they pop up.

Patterns can also be harnessed or disrupted.  I used a lot of this theory based on aerial warfare at work.  If you can get into your opponent’s head, you can influence and even control the outcome.

As a certain Sith Lord once said – it is proceedings as I have foreseen.

This is power.

I once told one of my captains that I’d like to take a baseball bat to the head of the snake at my prior job.  My captain said I shouldn’t talk like that and it wasn’t nice.  

Right.  

Because the N in NYPD stands for nice.

His attitude didn’t last long because he eventually realized how conniving and wicked this man was.  At the end, my captain also wanted to take a swing.

This one is about unlikely ways to solve problems.

The snake causes incalculable damage to the NYPD and NYC with his selfish ambition.  He made investigating terrorism more difficult – a huge problem for a city that is a target from 360 degrees.  And a host of other initiatives that will come back to bite the force and city if it hasn’t already done so.  Before he could do any more damage, God or the universe removed him.  Not by firing, resignation, or similar.  But by promotion.

At first glance, this looks just awful but when you think about that Pink Floyd line about not exchanging a walk on part in a war for a lead role in a cage, it will make sense.  The NYPD used this method a lot as well.  Because of the organization and civil service structure, it’s really difficult to impossible to fire or demote someone.  So they also promote.

I would observe that it’d be better to have a lower rank in a high impact assignment like narcotics or counterterrorism than a higher rank in something like maintenance.  I think this has practical and relatable consequences for most if not all of us.

While I think all of us should live up to all we can be, what we actually aim for matters.  My family liked awards and prestige.  I didn’t want to play that game so I purposely didn’t seek those out – if it came to me, it came.  And sometimes it did and others it didn’t.  I’ll write more about this later but the real game in all of this is still impact and influence.

That’s how the world changes or more so, realigns to what it should be.

As to the snake, I forswear vengeance.  He’s not worth the time or energy.  The baseball bat won’t be swung by me.

But it will be swung somehow.

In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.

Quite a while ago, I interned at the UN Office of Drugs and Crime in Vienna, Austria.  I rarely write or tell people about this experience because it was frankly not a great one that I’m supremely proud of.  The place itself was a bureaucratic mess.  Although there were many well-meaning people who believed in the stated mission, there was something about the politics and power associated with it.  I also got assigned to probably the worst bully in the unit.  I tried to curb her and did it somewhat successfully but you know how these things are.

I don’t actually remember many of the bad parts these days.  Instead, I remember all the memorable places I visited in the country and region, the amazing food, great people, and the lessons.  In Alan Moore’s graphic novel Watchmen, a daughter asks her mother how she could still love an abusive man who was the daughter’s father.  It didn’t make much sense to me because I was younger when I read it, but she says something like with time you only remember the good parts.  There is wisdom there.

I served and advised some very good commanders and Commissioners at the NYPD – including the legendary Bill Braatron – arguably the most famous American police and up there with the father of modern policing – Sir Robert Peel, where the term for UK police officers “Bobbies” comes from.  Scotland Yard – our cousins – London’s Finest.  The one who hired me was a legend – he took down the mob and his kid brother was gunned down while on witness protection duty.  Another was our counterterrorism czar who interviewed Osama bin Laden in Afghanistan shortly after the September 11 attacks.  These were truly knights of knights.

Others were not so good.  

One almost ran me over with his sports convertible which he may have been unethically filling up with Department gasoline.  Another was considered the female version of Palpatine.  And the last one I directly served under was a playboy millionaire not named Bruce Wayne who threw the officers and Department under the bus while making light of officer suicide prevention and God during our meetings.  

A disgrace to what we stood for and aspired to.

This one is about the heart.

One of the lyrics that has profoundly impacted and influenced me is from Canadian band Rush’s Closer to the Heart – a song exhorting all of us to work toward and create a better reality more aligned to what is good and noble.  The very first line mentions “the men who hold high places” who can shape and mold with their power.  Everyone has power in some way but this is particularly insidious as their decisions flow down like a cascading waterfall.  When a poor decision or mistake is made, it’s not like the Starbucks barista messing up your order – here, so many will be affected.  

One of the reasons why I pursued my field was to potentially live out that verse.  I thought I’d have a high place.  That doesn’t look like it’s in the cards but at least I got to advise a few.  The saving grace is that the song also refers to other vocations that harness creativity and mentality to achieve that same goal of being close to the heart.

I am blessed to know many who live out this call.  You know who they are.  What is in their heart and soul is written on their face. 

I used to ask my students who the most powerful police officer was.  It has little to do with rank.

It is the one handling your case.

During the pregames at Indiana Pacers games, there was a portion – “In 49 states, it’s basketball.  But… this is Indiana!”  I tell friends I didn’t really play basketball until Indiana where plays were run in pickup games.

Law school is difficult by design, necessity, and unnecessarily.  I’m glad I did it in Indiana.  I almost didn’t go there.  With a moderately competitive, but not elite profile, I applied to the usual suspects location wise – Boston, Chicago, SD, SF, LA (notice who’s missing?  That’s right!  NYC or introvert hell).  

One day out of the blue, I get a free application from Indiana University.  At that juncture, the only knowledge I had about IU was Bobby Knight and Calbert Cheaney.   I do a cut-and-paste job application.

Long story short, it’s the highest ranked school I get into.  After visiting its gorgeous campus and charming town, it was a clear choice.  Also, the girl I lit the candles for was born there, so nice omen.

The next three years aren’t easy.  Law school culture isn’t the healthiest.  But i learn, teach, advise, grow.  And my once streaky jumpshot becomes more consistent (in one game, I scored all but one of my team’s baskets).

Indiana changed my life in so many ways.  Proud to be a Hoosier.

There’s a Latin saying by the poet Virgil – Felix, qui potuit rerum cognoscere causas or Happy is he who knows the cause of things.  I think it’s mostly true, especially if you’re on the winning side or have the ability to either avoid consequences or impact events.  

If not the case, not such a great gift – can be frustrating and downright painful.  Like watching a wreck in slow motion.

I think some people are gifted at seeing more than others.  Soft eyes?  Experience?  The classical seer or prophet?

Who knows, but I don’t think one can see everything.  I think about the scene from the animated movie about the biblical Moses “Prince of Egypt.”

In the scene, really a song, the metaphor of a carpet is used to illustrate how the threads come together to form something valuable, referring to Moses’ life.

I call them threads of grace, preparation, and destiny.  Many times small and even imperceptible but present.  Taking the story of Moses at face value, some of his worst days, also his random days, were the most significant of his life.

The Greeks believed in the Fates – weavers who assigned and controlled each person’s destiny.  It’s not such a bad idea.