Songs of Pain and Hope

In my Malaysian primary school (US elementary) at around the equivalent of 6th grade, the Malay kids (all required to be Muslim by law) are taken out of the main class and given specific religious education.  Almost overnight and quite imperceptibly, kids who you grew up with and were your friends start telling you things like “Go back to your country.”  They also start dressing differently – the boys start wearing long pants and the girls the hijab.  Malays are referred to as buniputera and bumiputeri, translated as princes and princesses of the world.  That doesn’t leave people like me in a great position.  Islam is often used as a method to influence politics and policies.

Malaysia has always had an identity crisis in terms of how to approach matters of state and faith.  Is it a secular or religious one?  It has never really figured it out, it is probably a hybrid.

Religious indoctrination is not limited to one faith.  At church once in an adult Sunday School class, the teacher said the US should adopt more Christian or Biblical principles in its governance.  I was in my very early 20s at that time, but I knew I had to say something.  So I raise my hand and said not a good idea, how many of you have lived in a country which actually implements this practice?  Of course, this doesn’t sit well with several folk.  I overhear someone at the end of class ask “Is he a Christian?  Is he saved?”

I once asked one of my mentors’ wife, a federal prosecutor who handled organized crime cases about the role of forgiveness in law enforcement.  (My mentor taught me such gems referring to women such as “It’s not over till the ring is on the finger” “You can still score on a goalie” and after asking him whether one should date someone with baggage, “Date the one you love.”)

Anyway, she replies that forgiveness has no place in law enforcement – its role is to protect, prosecute, and punish.  On the most part, I agree.  There is also the role of restorative justice and restitution, but I know this is extremely difficult to implement especially in the US system.

I’m probably one of the last people to comment on forgiveness.  To me, it’s one of the main reasons why I would consider converting.  Not really my cup of tea, especially when the one who needs forgiving is somehow still standing, gloating, and thriving.  I once had a case where a convicted murderer refused to take responsibility – blaming the victim at sentencing and then on appeal.

I find many of the reasons for forgiveness to be pretty unpersuasive – vengeance is God’s, I’m a sinner too, it’s for peace of mind, forgive or else I won’t be forgiven, etc.

For me, it’s much less complicated.  It’s just too tiring to carry all of that around.  I’m just lazy.  Whether God or the wind exacts vengeance, it doesn’t really matter.  I have a ton of things to teach the kids, Netflix to watch, and coffee to drink.

Don’t get me wrong, forgiveness doesn’t negate the need for the pursuit of justice.  Unfortunately, I’ve seen it used as a cowardly excuse not to do so.  Neutralize the threat to protect and then leave room for forgiveness.

Recently, I realized my father figures have these qualities in common – they are prosecutors, police, military, teachers, advisors, and have a very strong connotation to music or the arts. In general, working class and although not all practice Christianity in what most would consider the norm, they all have ties to the faith.  And yes they represent both ends of the political spectrum. 

They shaped me profoundly.

They embodied and lived out much of the values and qualities I believed in and tried to live out.

Strong, brave, kind.

Conversely, the church (and really many others), I grew up in had mediocre to poor male role models.

Excuse makers, yes men, shallow thinkers, self serving, cowards, bureaucratic monsters.

There were a few exceptions but so disappointing.  Also shaped me profoundly. On the surface, many looked good – didn’t drink, swear, gamble, maybe were even faithful. The problem is that they really didn’t do anything else.

True religion is more than abstaining. You must do something. Especially when it is costly. That’s where hope and faith grow and live.

There are no perfect fathers and I am no exception – far far from it. There is but one perfect Father and even on some days, that’s not easy to believe in.

To Christians, the significance of the crucifixion lies not only in the absorption of the darkness, cruelty, and evil this broken world has to offer, but the processing of it into something benign, even good.  The main problem with the perception or reality of Christianity may not be so much the hypocrisy, judgmentalism, etc (although these are certainly problems) but rather whether those of us who profess to be followers of Jesus are doing our part to engage and confront darkness, in the same way our alleged Master did – with corresponding consequences and pain.

This Friday is my one year anniversary as an Assistant DA in the City of Brotherly Love.  Time flies.  I’ve handled about sixty cases this year and argued three times in front of the Superior Court.  

Other interesting duties included monitoring the 2004 general election, supervising lineups in prison, and getting to learn about the criminal mind in general.  A tough city that has made my heart stronger and softer. 

This past weekend I went on a bus tour of the city as part of my job.  A very different kind of tour.  Instead of seeing historic Philadelphia, we went to drug-infested and depressed areas of the city.  It was an eye-opening and insightful experience. 

Strangely, I did not feel too badly at seeing the various negative elements that seem to prevail in many parts of our city.  I think that was mainly due to meeting totally awesome people who fight back against drugs, violence, and despair.  An important lesson I learned this weekend was that happiness is not limited to socioeconomic conditions.  It was inspiring to meet good people in difficult situations that still believe in change and actually do something towards accomplishing that change. 

First we met a church group that works with recovering drug addicts.  We also got to meet a band of citizens with hard hats that clears out drug houses and dealers.  I asked one of them where he got hope from and he replied that hope came from winning single victories rather than looking at the problem as a whole.  In one part of North Philadelphia’s East Division, known as the Badlands, we got to see a garden run by nuns that used to be an abandoned lot.  

Another thing that impressed my mind was watching flowers grow on a street known for its shootings.  I guess these examples showed me that it’s hard to keep goodness from being resilient. I do not know how long I will be in this position past my commitment, but I know that this is where God wants me to be for now.  I felt proud looking at my brother and sister DAs as well as our police force – a diverse group of individuals who are brought together by a singular goal.  

I can tell my kids one day that once I was part of something bigger than myself.  That I made a little difference in this world. I also felt blessed to have the life I’ve lived.

Toward the end of my PhD program, I had a difficult time finding a job.  Many days I would stare at my cats and they would stare back at me.  It was unnerving and uncertain.

We had some friends over – a pastor and his wife.  Absolutely the nicest people in a church filled with several pricks.  I told them that I listened to sermons that were encouraging and a source of light.  They were expecting some hardcore intellectual preacher and the stunned look on their faces when I told them who it was spoke volumes.

Joel Osteen.

Yes, him.  But hear me out.  I don’t say things lightly.

I understand why he gets a bad rep – prosperity gospel and weak theology.  But I beg to differ – I’m not sure his critics have actually listened that closely to what he teaches.

What he does best is to point to a God who is all powerful, loving, and good.  Strangely enough, not necessarily found in many churches.

And most importantly, a supernatural God capable of anything.

Like Gandalf, God is not a cheap magician performing tricks but if we don’t see Him capable of magic, we are royally screwed.  We all see how humans behave and their limitations.

A friend told me that his dad taught him to never presume what God will or will not do, can or cannot do, and to always place Him between you and what you face.

This is supremely wise.

What Ostren also emphasizes is that God has the final say in anything.  When I look back at my life, there were way too many events that were definitely God and not coincidences.

One of my favorite verses comes from the 23rd Psalm written by David, someone I identify with.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies

You anoint my head with oil

My cup runs over

I fought so many enemies.  And I was always equipped.  I used to joke with my detective friend that the rod and staff that comforted him in the valley were his gun and otter equipment.

And I had my own as well.