Songs of Pain and Hope

Not too long ago, I talked to my first love after 25 years.  I didn’t think I’d ever do that again.  The snowball somehow survived the flames of hell.  It was quite insightful and one of those moments in life which could make a TED Talk segment.  She was Apollonia.  That’s all I will say about that.

I have often thought about the women in the Godfather Trilogy.  A judge friend and I talked about which made the most sense for a spouse or partner.  I really can’t stand Kay, Michael Corleone’s second wife after Apollonia died.   She is whiny, spoiled, and clearly doesn’t understand the Corleone vision and mission.  When Apollonia died, a huge part of Michael dies too.  Kay is the rebound of rebounds – Dennis Rodman style.  Your husband just secured peace for the Family in a brilliant incisive move and you’re all worried about your abusive philandering brother-in-law? 

But all things considered, I’ve started to think that it isn’t about either of the two I mentioned.

The real star is Vito Corleone’s wife – Carmela or Mama Corleone.  Loyal, wise, loving, practical, supportive, strong.  She knows who her husband is and what he has to do and gets it.

Vito had a great destiny.

And she was also his.

This isn’t in the movie but the book where she goes to church everyday to pray for the soul of her husband.  A little fire insurance is necessary when you’re in that line of work.

Watch the series again.  She’s the MVP.  Her role is subtle and understated.  But she’s the backbone of the Family.

Back to Apollonia.  Mine.  Things change.  It’s not so much about miracles but just life.  In the Art of War, the keys to effective strategy are a combination of justness of cause, environment, leadership, logistics, and time.  That last factor is so important.  I saw this in my casework, policy and strategic work, and other places.

All things change.

(From the DA years)

The one topic that I have been wrestling with recently is the issue of surrendering to God’s will.  I can now understand a bit better what Abraham had to go through when called by God to sacrifice his beloved son, Isaac. 

Do I love God more than anything?  And if called to give it up, would I be able to do so?  Can I still bless His name?

These questions relate to all in my life that is important to me – career, my concept of how my life is supposed to go, future children (if any). 

The question is also more than theoretical.  It is a certainty that in our lives we will encounter these moments where we are called by God to do something seemingly ridiculous or repulsive.  I think of my friends who have lost parents, siblings, spouses, or their own children.  

Our turns will all come.  My turn will come. I must imagine that a good number of people deal with these difficult issues by either ignoring them or telling themselves that they will not happen to them.  

Some even use religion to avoid these issues by trying to do all the “right” things in thinking that God will somehow protect them from pain.  I may not be as experienced or mature as others, but I am pretty sure that these methods do not work.  Ignorance or lying to oneself does not stop things from happening.  

Likewise, the story of Job clearly refutes the assertion that living a faithful life guarantees a trouble-free one. I can see why people have problems with true Christianity and being dependent on God.  It is so much easier to believe and to live like one is in control, even if not total, of his or her life.  The way of the world is about grabbing, clutching, and climbing.  

And logically and temporally speaking, that seems to make a lot more sense than what Christ calls us to do – to die to ourselves and to surrender to the will of our Father.  Who in their right mind would choose to wander alone or to open themselves up to ridicule?  Who in their right mind assaults a city by marching around it blowing horns and banging on drums? Who in their right mind would allow themselves to be falsely accused and to accept the road to crucifixion? 

But somehow, God says that the way of the world is not the way to life.  This thought, however, goes against all our sense of self-preservation.  But holding on to this the world’s way of thinking is actually self-delusion.  And perhaps the way God reminds us of this fact is the constant call to return to Him through suffering or tough choices. M. Craig Barnes writes that the only true way to enjoy our gifts is to surrender them back to God before He actually takes them away.  

I think like Abraham, we are called every single day to offer what we hold most dear to us.  And maybe it is when we are willing to offer those things do we receive them back. The truth is that we will all lose our lives and dreams, whether we want to or not.  The only choice we have is whether to give them up willingly for God to do something with them or to have them taken from us against our will.

1. Do not conflate intelligence for depth.

2.  Soft eyes, soft heart, can’t lose.

3.  Balance of power.

4.  Be wary of ambitious types.

5.  Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting.  Look for a relationship or belief in God of a higher power.

6.  Observe how they treat animals, people less AND more powerful.

7.  Do they run toward the danger or from it?

8.  Loving all of you – good and broken.

9.  Check the medicine cabinet and trash.  

10.  Remember that your dad 

has a very particular set of skills and friends.

I earned everything on my resume fair and square.  Degrees, awards, jobs, accomplishments, etc.  

Even if I Hufflepuffed much of my way through a lot of it.

Nothing was given.

But damn it was hard.

As an Asian in this society and especially my fields, absolutely so.  

God usually had to get me in the way Ulysses did – with some sort of unconventional disguised method.  The wooden horse that broke Troy, Athena masking him as an old man to reclaim his kingdom.

When I look back, I had an amazing run.

I kept souvenirs.

My two proudest are my DA shield – gold and dark blue.

My NYPD cap with command pins and merit citation.  These will mean little to nothing to most but they captured who I was.  Shield to the daughter, cap to the boy.

And all the letters and notes my students wrote me.

These were my treasures.

And if you’re wondering about my basketball, guitar, and Bible. The ones I took everywhere.

The basketball is sitting in a boiler room, the guitar in a toy closet.

And I burned my Bible in Boston years ago.

It might be time to get new ones.

You never forget how they feel in your hands. 

All the instincts they return – the leather, fretboard, imprinted words.

Just remember till you’re home again – you belong to me.