Songs of Pain and Hope

1.  I used to half-jokingly say at my NYC church that I would take all the angry kids and teach them like Jedi younglimgs.  Angry kids have the potential to be the greatest if properly guided.  Or they will eventually kill you and plunge the galaxy into darkness.

2.  Pastors and ministers really need more real-life training before presuming to preach to others.  Many are well meaning but seminary or Bible college alone is like playing a full game after only performing controlled drills.

3.  I met many people who were seduced by the pursuit of power, fame, and wealth.  Mostly without regard for the effect on others.  This will sound heartless, but have all of it.  All.  Drown in it.  Choke on it.

4. At some point for minorities, the teachings of Jesus (at least in their most literal forms), cannot be followed.  Because the correct response to having your cheek slapped is “Try again”; being extorted for your cloak is “Come and get it”; and being forced to walk a mile is “Make me.”  For too long has Christianity been used to oppress and enable.

5. A student asked his teacher: “How long will it take me to become a master?”

When the teacher answered that it would take ten years, the student countered: “I will work harder so I will achieve that rank quicker.  How long will it take then?”

The teacher replied: “Twenty years.”

Regardless of one’s faith tradition, this is what it’s all about.  We all stumble and fall but it’s about being true to what you’re called to do, the path you’re asked to travel.  

Walk on.

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.

I used to perform this exercise with my students from the management course I taught – write out the life of a president from birth to ascendancy to power.  Invariably, most classes would chart out a straight line path – good family, prep school, Ivy League education, elite jobs, perfect spouses and kids, etc.  I would then ask them whether this jived with reality.  And of course, it doesn’t.  Most of our lives are twisty-turny and especially those of great people.

I think this one is about stories and who writes ours.

Everyone has a story and it’s not anyone place to fully judge which is better or worse.  But it would be also be untrue to say that some are more interesting than others.

This is also about allowing God to write the story.  His and ours.  It can be scary because it’s giving the pen away and He can be an unpredictable story writer.

But at the end of it all, it still comes down to trust and surrender.

Do we believe that He is a good writer?

Stories don’t have to be complex to have impact and power.  But the truly great ones – on the par of Hugo, Dostoevsky, Marquez, Tolstoy, etc.  often are.  Maybe that’s the hallmark of an epic.

I also often think of the quote from the Gladiator movie – What we do in life echoes in eternity.  Don’t ever delude yourself, this is truth.  And this may not just involve our deeds in this realm but maybe our stories stretch beyond our earthly experience.   But this is just conjecture and cold comfort to the present.

But life is a journey. Not a destination.  In the words of poet Steven Tyler.  Thinking of it as otherwise – a game, ladder, battle, etc.  will drive you crazy and you’ll always feel like you can’t win.

Who’s to say where the wind will take you?

Who’s to say what it is will break you?

My daughter and I used to watch a lot of Octonauts.  A great series to learn about marine biology, exploration but also leadership, crisis management, and surprisingly being human.  Captain Barnacles is a model leader – decisive, introspective, adaptable, resilient, understanding of his crew (especially the failings of First Mate Kwazii and self-doubt of Medic Peso).

And kudos to the possible Asian crewmember Albachoy (half albacore, half bokchoy.

My last command’s insignia looked a lot like that of the Octonauts. Uncannily, very similar mission and mandate. Reality bites.

I often thought about which Octonaut I was – and it was probably the octopus who liked to read. He did have a special suit that made him super formidable due to his tentacles – like Dr. Octopus from the Spider-Man universe.

But back to the Captain. Isn’t it funny that some of the models for leadership come from cartoons. Optimus Prime, Professor X, Duke.

And to be honest, the bad guys aren’t all that horrible either – maybe just a little misguided. Megatron, Magneto, Serpentor but not Cobra Commander. At the least, they had some intelligence and even a sort of code.

Malaysians punch above their weight.  It it not a  Napoleon complex or chip on your shoulder mentality.  It is who we are.  We are survivors.  We are overcomers.  We are fighters.  Come at us.  You’ll learn what we really are underneath our very real tolerances and kindness.

Like pretty much every nation in the world, we are a soccer mad country.  The national team hasn’t been good in recent years but under the coaching of a Korean manager – a culture very similar to ours – they have improved tremendously.  Recently, they shocked powerhouse South Korea by playing them to a 3-3 tie at the Asian Football Championship.  South Korea is one of the world’s best and can hold their own against any team, not just Asian ones.

In the 1980’s, however, the team was one of the best in Asia.  No small feat for semi-professional players.  They could beat pretty much any of the continent’s teams.  And even hang tough against elite European ones.  They wouldn’t win but they’d keep the game close – even against England and West Germany.

Their best ever player was Mokhtar Dahari – one of the all time leading scorers in world history.  He was so good that English First Division teams scouted him, an honor for someone from an obscure Third World country.  However, the backbone of those teams was a defender named Soh Chin Aun.  He was nicknamed Taukey which is translated as Boss.  When they played West Germany, he led the defense in a smart, controlled way to stymie the vaunted German attack.  That team was so good they qualified for the 1980 Olympics but didn’t participate because of the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan.

We are also arguably the only country in the world to wage a successful counterinsurgency against the Chinese funded Communists.  While force was involved, the campaign relied more on the principle of winning hearts and minds – the role of the moral and mental over physical components of conflict.  The human will and spirit is still formidable and can beat out any machine per Terminator or Battlestar Galactica – at least for now.

I played on my agency’s softball team.  My legs at that point were wobbly but I did make a diving catch in centerfield that made my colleagues think twice about stereotyping me any further than they already did.  I wore a shirt honoring our national team under my jersey.  It was yellow and black with a tiger on it – our national animal and with some of the words of our anthem “Tanah Tumpahnya Darahku” which means the earth is soaked with our blood.  

And just for kicks and giggles, there is a Malaysian domestic league team that has done well regionally.  They are like the Barcelona of their league.  They even made a music video with Snoop Dogg – you can YouTube it by searching for Johor Darul Tazim Champions.

There are two priest-authors whom I respect and find insightful – Richard Rohr and Ronald Rolheiser.  Check them out, they offer solid wisdom for life’s complex issues versus other sources.  Rohr writes that that life has two halves and stuff that works, fulfills, or satisfies during the first half doesn’t do so well in the second. Rolheiser, on the other hand, says there are three stages – figuring who one is, giving one’s life away, and finally, giving one’s death away.

Profound I think. Sobering in a way.

I often confuse one with the other but one of them made the point that life’s choices are like choosing a spouse.  Marry one, forsake the others.  Jokes aside about how a man really wants a mother, maid, and lover in a wife, that statement holds a lot of water.

When I think back on my big choices, I realize that I gave up a lot of what I wanted to get what I wanted, or thought I did.  Growth and belonging often do not go hand in hand.

And a host of other things.

It’s more than just hard work, tenacity, grit, and all the synonyms that go with those concepts. It’s also a conscious choice to pay the price, maybe hold the pain, walk on to and through. For presumably something that’s worth it – adventure, knowledge, love, stories, whatever.

The caution is in this line by a pastor, Craig Barnes, referencing the biblical story of Jacob being tricked into marrying the sister of the one he thought he was to be with – You go to bed with Rachel but wake up with Leah.

And if not into the faith thing, then Pink Floyd.

Did they get you to trade

Your heroes for ghosts?

Hot ashes for trees?

Hot air for a cool breeze?

Cold comfort for change?

Did you exchange

A walk-on part in the war

For a lead role in a cage?

(From the DA years)

It has been an interesting past few days.  Mixed emotions and realizations. 

I taught a class on DNA evidence to veteran DAs and law enforcement officers this past week.  I found out later that there were FBI and Department of Justice personnel in the audience, as well as the various chiefs of our units.  I was humbled to teach the class.  I learned that sometimes you have to ignore the “know-it-all” students who visibly read a newspaper when you are talking and focus on the ones that are struggling to understand the material.  

The night before teaching though, I had some moments of doubt.  But I am thankful for my older friends who were understanding and kind in their words and caring.  It is true that those who realize how much grace they have received are the best ones to dispense it. 

I think you just have to go to the right sources for what you need.  The one thing that was reinforced for me was to be careful who you trust.  I am sorry to write this (and I do not write this out of bitterness, but rather out of a sad disappointment), but there are some people who truly do not know how to empathize.  

I think there are some friendships after this past few days that will be different from now on.  There is a certain arrogance and flippancy with some people. 

Suburban life can be harmful in other ways that are not akin to the inherent dangers in a big city.  There are drugs and criminal behaviors that are not per se illegal, but just as harmful if not worse.  In God’s eyes, crushing someone’s spirit may be on the same level as child rape.  Jealousy, materialism, and bitterness likewise may wreck as much havoc as crack cocaine and speed. 

Some of you may be asking whether I believe everything I write here or whether I am a hypocrite.  I think both statements would be correct.  I can only cling on to my faith and God’s grace when I fail.  Truly, it is He that accomplishes all good things and not my own power – in moments of doubt, fear, and even rebellion.  I know that the only reason why I may be great one day is because of His Spirit.  But I feel it – beyond any scientific proof, religious legalisms, or secular cynicism.