Songs of Pain and Hope

What choice did I really have?

The difference between dying slowly and trying to live

A voice cowered into silence, speaking freely

A cage, a war

Pleasure cruise, solo sail

Tears of regret, songs of gratitude

Knowing about God, knowing God

The trade and price for knowledge, memories, pride

My daughter

My son

As they learn to choose their paths

Never alone

(From the Indiana years)

The paradoxical nature of Christianity states that the closer one is to the ground, the closer he or she is to heaven.

Each year in law school, you look for a job.  It’s stressful and the equivalent of a full time job search, even for unpaid summer positions.  My first year, I end up in a small family firm specializing in whistleblower law (two brothers and change).  It was actually more interesting than it sounds.

The firm is located in the Georgetown area of DC.  There is a school of thought that there is a racial reason why there is no Georgetown Metro stop.  I will give supporting testimony.  To get to work, I drive fo Rockville Metro Station, ride to the Foggy Bottom stop, take a shuttle to the vicinity of Georgetown, and still walk a mile to work.  It takes me an hour and a half one way each day.  And did I mention I was unpaid?

Law can be very boring and this was no exception.  I fell asleep at a lecture on the False Claims Act (still have no idea what it is).  But the clients were notable.  One was Linda Tripp of Monica Lewinsky-Bill Clinton fame.  Another was a former FBI forensic scientist, supported by Senator Chuck Grassley.  One who I met personally was a former FBI translator whose story ended up on 60 Minutes later in the year.  She made the best lemonade.

Despite the long commutes, sweltering DC heat waves, the broken air conditioner, spoiled undergrad interns, and a partner’s mother calling my goatee silly, I have fond memories.  I learn which Metro cars are the most comfortable to sleep on (brown plastic bars).  Drawing from the spirit of Indiana, I shoot the lights out.  Had a chance to steal a girl but respectfully decline.  I discover the writings of Thomas Merton.  And the girl I lit the candles for was coincidentally in the same location.

1. I used to half-jokingly say at my NYC chuwould take all the angry kids and teach them like Jedi younglimgs.  Angry kids have the potential to be the greatest if properly guided.  Or they will eventually kill you and plunge the galaxy into darkness.

2.  Pastors and ministers really need more real-life training before presuming to preach to others.  Many are well meaning but seminary or Bible college alone is like playing a full game after only performing controlled drills.

3.  I met many people who were seduced by the pursuit of power, fame, and wealth.  Mostly without regard for the effect on others.  This will sound heartless, but have all of it.  All.  Drown in it.  Choke on it.

My grandfather figure and I were discussing how refreshing it would be to hear a pastor or minister use the F word from the pulpit.

Like as in F the…

Child molesters.

Abusers of power.

The ones who misrepresent God.

So on and so forth.

That would be a powerful statement and probably be heresy at the same time.  

It would be nice though.

There was this one time that a 14 year old kid from church wanted to walk home by himself at night from a birthday party to his home in an urban setting.  It would have taken him at least 2 hours to do so.

I was in college at that time and helped out in the youth group, so I knew that this was inappropriate.  When my brother and I tried to stop him, he started to go into the middle of the road daring cars to hit him.

We kept trying to talk him off the road.  At one point, I told him to get the f____ out of the road before he killed himself or someone else.  When he refused and still continued to resist, my brother and I dragged him off the road.

You can guess where this is going.  I got in trouble for using the F word and force.  Didn’t do this for gratitude but that would have been nice.

This incident would come into play decades later when I dealt with disciplinary issues for police officers.  Yes, no doubt there are bad ones – thugs and liars, but the majority are good.  Police discipline is often the ultimate Monday Morning Armchair Quarterback Show – things go south rapidly.  There is no training – classroom or simulation that fully captures this all.  A good portion of the cases I saw were questionable.  The main oversight body for a good chunk of these wasn’t IA but the CCRB – the civilian oversight board.  The general consensus is that it would be better to be judged by IA than the CCRB.  At least the former was a true jury of peers.  I intimately knew how the CCRB investigations were conducted and I can tell you that my daughter could have done a more effective and ethical job than many of their investigators.  The number of leading questions, verbal traps, mischaracterized evidence, etc.  was appalling.  The nickname for the CCRB was the KGB on the Hudson.  One of the top brass called the executive director the C word.  Yes – that one.

My own agency was also an oversight body. Our commissioner who was fired for abusing his authority spent a ton of money on questionable purchases, even a “spy” boat.

I used to joke that I was ready to live on a farm and feed lambs by hand after seeing all this play out.

And maybe a pastor will call them on all this.

Perhaps simplistic, but rings true.  I would say NYC worships money, Boston intelligence, DC power.  

So what does Philadelphia worship?

Heart.

I was just talking to a good friend about how this is embodied in the example of Allen Iverson.  Absolutely fearless.  He never backed down, kept getting back up.   I remember the teams they surrounded him, they just couldn’t score, so he did.

Recently, I realized why he possibly was so tough and fearless. And it occurred to me that he was imprisoned as a juvenile. Whether justified or not, I don’t know enough of the facts to comment adequately.

But I do have some inkling of what that experience was like. He had to survive.

After all that, playing basketball was just a nothing burger.

He was the real deal.

Didn’t, couldn’t back down.

From anyone.

It didn’t matter how big or tall they were – he took it to them.

Once upon a time, I played hockey with my church team.  So unathletic and overmatched but we made the playoffs.  We had only one guy who could score and he would maybe do 3 or 4. 

But I played goalie and would let in one fewer.  I’d be soaking wet at the end of the game but I dared anyone to come anywhere near my crease.

When my daughter was in kindergarten, she said in a matter of fact way tthat an older boy was picking on a 1st grade boy sitting next to her on the bus.  She said she tried to kick the older boy off but the angle and her lack of reach from her inside position made it difficult.  I told her that I was proud of her regardless.

Another time, she took care of three older boys harassing her little brother on the playground. She said she was prepared – Quicker, Tougher, Smarter, right Dad?

Recently, I told her that I was destined to be her father. God does not play dice or mess around with these sorts of things. She’s hella smarter, stronger, and more poised than I am.

But I once had game.

One of the key things in life is to try to do the opposite of all the negative stuff we experience and encounter. I tried to do that and redirect as much as I could.

I read an interesting interpretation of the classic Harry Chaplin song Cats In The Cradle. The conventional view is that a son grows up to be exactly like his absent, distracted father. But if you actually listen to the last verse more carefully and with a different perspective, the son is taking care of his family and that’s why he has no time for his dad. Probably not the intention of the songwriter but worth considering.

When I lead or managed, I tried to do it as a coach. I saw a key team member as an extension of me – just as a point guard or quarterback is the embodiment of a coach’s teaching and philosophy on the court or field.

These days, as my daughter gets older, I can start passing down more.

I told a friend recently that I observed a lot. Much of which I kept to myself. On situations, people, etc.

For so long, I wondered what was that all about and the payoff.

She is the answer.

She runs my offense.

She will pull the strings.

She will rise above.