Songs of Pain and Hope

“And if you listen very hard, the tune will come to you at last.”

To help guide the kids, I carefully selected songs that I felt captured my hopes and aspirations for them – a soundtrack of sorts.  The power of music has certainly been significant in my own life.

For the girl – Little Wing, Purple Rain, Me and Bobby McGee, While My Guitar Gently Weeps

For the boy – Wherever I May Roam, Over the Hills and Far Away, Immigrant Song, Going to California.

Recently, I thought about my own soundtrack. Definitely some overlap with my kids but also others that I don’t need to repeat as they pop up quite a bit in the other writings.

But here’s the interesting question that someone asked me – would I add to the soundtracks as time progresses. Initially I was resistant due to being stuck in ways and all that but also a measure of laziness.

As for me, I’ll surprisingly add these as they are classical pieces, a genre I’m not all too familiar with.

Cello Suite No. 1 G Major, Bach

Prelude in C Major, Bach

Recuerdos de la Alhambra – Tárrega

And a few by Mozart that I can’t pinpoint exactly yet.

As I’ve previously written, the senior pastor of my former church was a bully.  He intimidated many people to get his way.  At my friend’s wedding, he of course drew attention to himself by declaring himself the MVP of the proceedings – “Most Valuable Pastor” – and said that no one could eat until he said grace.

I just cocked my fingers into an imaginary gun, pointed at him, and pulled the trigger.

He saw it.   

You should have seen the look on his face.

I was relatively young back then and I probably wouldn’t do the same thing today. People mature and grow. But I still would have done something. Like many of my colleagues, I detest bullies.

I tried to search for a photo of a hand gesture that conveyed the sentiment of “Come on man. You’ve got to be kidding.” But I’m not even sure what that looks like.

Nevertheless, not too many regrets here either. Blame my maternal side for that I suppose.

And once in a while, it’s nice to balance out the universe even if it feels insignificant.

At my exit interview in Philadelphia, the elected DA spent some time with me to thank me for my service and wish me well.  We talked a bit about leadership and she told me something that has haunted me until today.  She goes “V-Tsien, everyone eventually sells out.  Everyone has a price.  But true leaders, they cannot be bought.”  I’ve reflected on this since then and it is so accurate.

And the things that people sell out for.  Even with the consideration of withholding judgment and walking in another’s shoes, please at least sell out for more.  I also wondered what my price is – Pride?  Family?  Justice?  It’s easy to trade something you have an abundance of or don’t really care too much about.

The real test comes when it’s something or someone you value dearly, possibly a scarcity.  Maybe the point is if you’re going to sell out, make it really count and be ok living with it.  Or follow the difficult path of true leadership.  Ultimately, our call, our choice.

The DA eventually becomes a mentor and an unlikely confidant – a relationship that has spanned 16 years.  Our paths and vision have similarities, and she is a great teacher.  Tough, resilient, resolute, ethical.  I recently shared some of my writing with her and she was touched.

From time to time, I have jotted down thoughts and observations that are short. Some turn into longer reflections or stories. I will post them in the hope they prove to be of use.

For lack of a more poetic term, I will just label them as stones from the river (also the title of a fantastic novel) and mark the appropriate period when I wrote them. Stones may be small but they can fell giants.

This one is from the NYPD years.

1. You can tell a person’s character from how they handle several scenarios – adversity, handling a weaker person, the prospect of losing something valuable, and last, not least, maybe most telling – power.

2. Internal enemy often more difficult to detect and destructive than external.

3. The safest place to be is still in the center of God’s will

4. If you don’t properly wrestle with God, your demons, and yourself, your children will have to take on that responsibility in addition to their own burden.

5. I had a conversation with a wise, experienced friend. I told him that the two questions that I primarily reflect on are: Who am I? Who is God And maybe it’s just one question.

The biggest snake at one of my jobs had a daughter the same age as mine.  One day, by chance both of them were in the office.  They were around 3 at the time.  The other girl gives a flower to our big boss.  Mine just looks him up and down with the same look I have when the full armor is on.  

My girl.  My heart.  My soul.

The number of times I’ve had to talk to her teacher about her personality and behavior.  Don’t get me wrong, she wasn’t a bad kid.  She just had a mind of her own.  This is what leaders are actually made of.

You see, all the people I had to fight taught me what I needed to pass on.   No snakes here, only dragons.

My mother once said that my father’s brother was cursed with three daughters and no sons.  So when I found out that I was to have a daughter, I felt somewhat disappointed myself and wondered if God had also cursed me like so many other times.

But the little girl that popped out had my heart.  I watched her play trombone in her first concert and yes she plays like I did.  All heart.  All in all out.  Damn everyone else and what they think.  Always better to die on your feet than to live on your knees.  Make the stand even though you’re scared or crying.

This other time she played goalie for her soccer team and she made a save that elicited cheers from the other parents.  It reminded me of how people reacted when I made my own saves.  Unafraid of being the last line of defense.

Our daughters save us.

A good friend and a father figure to me worked in the homicide unit. He and I used to talk about football, how stupid our job was, the incompetence of our leaders, etc.

And the cowardly snitch that made our life hell and by the way, made it harder to investigate and thwart terrorism in NYC.

My friend marveled at the fact that he kept getting promoted and wondered aloud at the reason.

I said, oh, that’s easy.  

He’s a c___sucker.

My friend laughs out loud and goes that’s right.

You see, most people when they are asked to do something like that will go “No thanks” or if they really have to, do it reluctantly for an absolutely good reason.

But not this guy, for him it’s “How would you like that sir?”

My captain would also laugh out loud in meetings when I told him that I refused to do that.

(From the DA years)

I just got assigned a case where the defendant raped a 9-year old girl on separate occasions, once in the presence of her 3-year old sister.  This is my second sexual assault case – these disturb me the most, probably more so than murder.

(From the DA years)

Philadelphia is a tough city.  Supposedly a beautiful city too, but I don’t see that part quite yet.  There are major race issues.  One apartment I looked at was on a street that divided black and white sections of the city. 

Some people are worth waiting for.  You know it by the way they make you change, not only by making you want to change.  Enjoy where you are at the moment.  It does not last forever. 

I miss the serenity of Indiana. 

Is it possible to miss the feeling of possibility? 

I am starting to see why some older people are the way they are.  I choose to be able to sleep with myself at night though it may cost me during the day.