Songs of Pain and Hope

In the reimagined Battlestar Galáctica series, what is remaining of the human species is being hunted by technologically and numerically superior robots (which the humans created – a lesson in itself).  About to be blown out of outer space, the human commander decides to do something totally unexpected and counterintuitive.  He attacks.  He rolls the hard six.  It works.  The humans prevail against all odds.

The relevant phrase refers to rolling double threes in dice – a result that pays off handsomely but only has a 3 percent chance of success.  The analogy used by the commander is the example of standing up to a bully.

I had several experiences like this.  In middle school, this kid kept harassing me.  I told the teacher.  It didn’t work.  I took it for weeks until one day in gym, he played dirty and sent me flying to the floor.  Instinctively, I took a ball and threw it at his head.  I narrowly missed.  He looks back at me threateningly.  I just reached for another ball.  And that was the end of it.

This is unfortunately the only language some understand.  Never forget that.  

Anyways, rolling the hard six is applicable in other contexts outside of war and conflicts.  My general ethos is if you’re going down, do it swinging.  That whole better to die on your feet than live on your knees thing.  You may be beaten but make it hurt a bit for the other side.  It has effects – you may prevent future harm for others or set up something good as well.

Roll the hard six.

So there’s this legendary Wall Street person – I don’t even know how to describe him – trader? fund manager?  I know so little about this field.  A brilliant man – Harvard law and business degree before his mid 20s.  Billionaire with all that often comes with it – homes, women, love children.  Unlike others of his ilk, he barely gave any of his wealth away.  He also ate steak and shrimp cocktail every night for dinner and a hamburger for lunch – and no,  not the fast food variety but the steakhouse version.  So not a surprise he dies of a heart attack in his limo.  His firm obfuscates and delays the news as to not panic investors.  Money above all.

When I mention his name and firm, however, pretty much no one knows either.  Even NYCers.  Telling and tragic.

Questions aside about who actually remembers us or what we’ve done, I think it’s more about what you’re left with when all is said and done.  That’s the hard question.   You can take and leave nothing.  That’s the punishment and reward.  That’s sobering if you think of it.  Something about gaining the whole world and losing one’s soul –  a certain Jewish carpenter or Bob Marley if you prefer.

Maybe that’s all we really keep at the end.  Or whatever is left of the soul.  It’s not even about heaven or hell at this point, even though those likely matter.  It’s kind of like the ringwraiths in the Lord of the Rings, once men but now unrecognizable as such.  Shadows.

I used to say this – what you pursue is what you’ll end up with.

His name was Bruce Wasserstein and he was the CEO of Lazard.

In my life, I knew how to fight 360.  I had no choice.  I wish it was anything else but we often don’t choose our paths and yet we do.  I had to learn – painful as hell but probably worth it.  It is about instinct and timing.  It is also about trust.  In God.

A good friend of mine said that many of the people in our lives who shouldn’t have, failed us.  Parents, pastors, mentors, friends.  Miserable and disappointing.

But also freeing and empowering.

Because it forces you to turn to God for full dependence.  That sounds absolutely silly and crazy.  But it makes sense.  When you step back and let God in, that’s when the magic really occurs.  I teach my kids to ask God to give them His dreams because while they may be scary, they will end up being greater and more fulfilling than anything they can conjure up for themselves.  And a dream from God can only be accomplished with His help.  That’s how you know.

Again, this is scary and many cannot walk this road.  I’m not sure I can myself.  But I think I’ve done so, at least in part in the past.  This isn’t about wealth,  power, fame, or even security.  It’s about something else.  I still can’t put my finger on it but it’s more than the present ethereal.  

There is a Netflix documentary on Moses.  I won’t recap his full story but it’s nothing short of epic.  At some point, however, he screws up majorly – killing a man and going into exile into the desert.  Where he languishes for years until God shows up Old Testament style and sets him on the path of his destiny – the Deliverer.  A commentator said that this was God’s M.O. – to take something broken and repurposing it.  That’s not exactly true.  That would be like taking a broken lamp and turning it into a coat hanger. 

What God does with Moses is entirely different.  He transforms the brokenness into pure greatness.  Almost like a superhero story.  The trauma births the hero.  I don’t think it can happen any other way.  The great Bruce Lee established his enduring philosophy of combat and life only after he broke his back.

When I look back at the skills I’m proud of, I see how they were birthed in pain.  I’m not a natural athlete or musician, but I could hold my own against and with more talented ones.  It wasn’t just work.  It was also desire motivated by massive quantities of pain.  

The beatings made me wise.

A friend who played guitar with me in the jazz ensemble had to teach me a lot.  Keeping time, listening to the other instruments, not sleeping on the amplifier (I was so sleep deprived, I could do this even at high volume).

Most importantly, he taught me one of the most profound and powerful lessons I’ve ever learned.  When I joined the ensemble, I had visions of being Jimi Hendrix, Stone Gossard, or at least Jimmy Page.  

Not quite the role of the guitar in jazz.

My friend taught me that if you can hear the guitar in a jazz song, it’s a major fail.  But if you take the guitar away, its absence will be noticed.

At first, I thought, why the hell am I even here?  What 16 year old wants to play an instrument that wasn’t supposed to be heard?  At times, I would even put this to the test, pretending to play or turning off the volume to see if the teacher would notice.  She did.

Only a few years ago, I realized what a priceless lesson and experience I was given.  In the Tao Te Ching, there is a passage that goes:

Adequate leaders are noticed.  

Bad ones hated.  Good ones liked.

Great ones are not noticed.

Just like that jazz guitar.  My job was to keep the rhythm and provide color / tone / depth for the rest of the instruments.

I did get one opportunity to play a solo at a festival.  My friend, the senior player, was gracious.  He would eventually play a set with me in another class.  We are still friends today.

There’s a saying that rings profoundly true – Every person can stand adversity but if you want to see one’s true character, give then power.  Truth.  Saw it my whole life.  You can also tell a lot about a persons from not only how they treat someone in a weaker position but also a stronger one.

This one is about handling joy.

One of the most dangerous leads in sports involving goals is 2-0.  It’s just comfortable enough to lose focus and start complacency.  There’s also a saying – After a victory, tighten your helmet.  People make mistakes in despair but also when they are giddy.  There’s a Malay phrase – Buang Senyum or Throw away your smile.  It reminds us to keep focus in every situation.

I also don’t think many understand what joy is.  It is often conflated with happiness.  There is also a relationship between suffering and joy.  There’s a verse that goes – Weeping may last for a night but joy comes in the morning.  This doesn’t happen by chance.  The former prepares us for the latter.  There is a certain magic and mystery behind that all.  It makes us more able to appreciate and value what arrives and handle it properly.  It is also pretty common knowledge that after winning the lottery, lives change and not necessarily for the better.  Again, it is probably in the handling.

It is the same way with power, fame, wealth.  Too easily gotten and it’ll destroy you.  Better to take the long windy road at times.  Even the broken one.

It’s always about destiny.  Hope for the strength, faith, and endurance to have a great one.

The goal is not just to have a seat at the table but a good one, maybe even at the head.

That’s the real game.

A former classmate who is now a professor in Thailand quoted the following, roughly translated – “Money lost, nothing lost.  Honor lost, much lost.  Courage lost, most lost.  Soul lost, all lost.”  Up for discussion, but rings true.

The soul component is really lost both in translation and representation.  Often, it’s a throwaway concept in a world focused on the physical and mental.  In many arenas, much of the work is plain soulless – dry, uninspiring, unmoving.  But soul matters – you know when it’s there, people respond to it.

The great ones in any field – Bill Russell, Janis Joplin, Winston Churchill, Bruce Lee.  So much soul.  They left it all out there.

And once you lose or trade it, all really is lost.  You can see it in a person’s eyes.  Impossible or nearly to gain back.  Thomas More, on seeing Richard Rich, the man who betrayed him, wearing some bling signifying his reward for his false testimony (the appointment to be the Attorney  General for Wales)  goes – “It profits a man nothing to gain the whole world if he should lose his soul… but for Wales, Richard?’  Rich ends up in his mentor’s position as Lord Chancellor and inflicts great damage on his ascent, so much so that he is considered one of the worst Brits in history.

This is likely why we still look to artists, musicians, athletes, teachers – soul reservoirs.

nd quoted the following, roughly translated – “Money lost, nothing lost.  Honor lost, much lost.  Courage lost, most lost.  Soul lost, all lost.”  Up for discussion, but rings true.

The soul component is really lost both in translation and representation.  Often, it’s a throwaway concept in a world focused on the physical and mental.  In many arenas, much of the work is plain soulless – dry, uninspiring, unmoving.  But soul matters – you know when it’s there, people respond to it.

The great ones in any field – Bill Russell, Janis Joplin, Winston Churchill, Bruce Lee.  So much soul.  They left it all out there.

And once you lose or trade it, all really is lost.  You can see it in a person’s eyes.  Impossible or nearly to gain back.  Thomas More, on seeing Richard Rich, the man who betrayed him, wearing some bling signifying his reward for his false testimony (the appointment to be the Attorney  General for Wales)  goes – “It profits a man nothing to gain the whole world if he should lose his soul… but for Wales, Richard?’  Rich ends up in his mentor’s position as Lord Chancellor and inflicts great damage on his ascent, so much so that he is considered one of the worst Brits in history.

This is likely why we still look to artists, musicians, athletes, teachers – soul reservoirs.

Right before graduation from high school, I had this conversation with the girl I was supposed to go to prom with (MIT bound, we liked each other, her parents didn’t want her distracted).  She was funny and smart, I cheated off her in Calculus pretty much the whole year.  She actually took time to try to teach me how to solve the problems.  What can I say?  I had soft eyes back then.

We were at the bus stop and she asked me what I planned to do with my life.  State school bound in a magnet school with Ivies and close, I said “Run a big organization.”  She laughs and tells me to be realistic.  So, I actually kinda did from a hidden behind the scenes position.  God and mysterious ways.

Over time, I also realized I wanted to strike back at evil.  I’m glad I didn’t tell her that, she would have been convulsing on the floor in even more disbelief.  Even that would have been too much.  But like so many things in my life – good and bad to come – I just knew.

Evil exists.  And you cannot wish it away.  This is one of the prevalent lies I’ve seen floating around.  The cartoons I was raised on (Transformers, GI Joe) elucidated the stark contrast between good and evil.  I’ve noticed that the animated shows that my daughter watches aren’t too bad in this regard.

But for a time there, I think cartoons didn’t do this so well.  It wasn’t a crazy observation.  I read a commentary on how the focus on getting along was in reality enabling bullying.

Perhaps it’s because I grew up in a corrupt Third World country or the immigrant experience.  Regardless, I was blessed to have done it in my own small way, even if it wasn’t always the most elegant or superhero like.

One of the faculty in my PhD program wasn’t the most popular.  Some thought him arrogant, a bully.  But he and I got along fine.  I even attended his management course and subbed for him.

Maybe it’s birds of a feather.  But I think it’s for a different reason.  Aside from our common interest in leadership studies. I addressed him as Dean – he was the former one of the department.  He once told me “You know, I’m no longer one.”  I replied, “Once one, always one.”  It wasn’t to boost his ego or win him over.  I really believe in this principle.  It’s respect.

You never lose the skills and lessons picked up in any role or responsibility.  I’ve had accomplished mentors and it was understood that until they told me to call them by their first name, I would address them by their former title.  Maybe it’s old school, but I think it runs deeper.

Society tends to have a what have you done for me lately attitude.  Horrid and ungrateful.  We should recognize and appreciate past contributions rather than forget and discard.

One thing I valued at the NYPD is that notable acts of service and tenure are recognized openly – in ceremonies and reflected on uniforms.  It may seem trivial, but it’s important.  People need to feel valued and appreciated.

General David Petraeus (someone I respect as a leader, strategist, and scholar) would wear his uniform with medals and decorations to CIA functions when he was Director.  Some point to this practice as evidence of his insecurity or inability to fit in.  Maybe a hint of truth, but I can’t imagine this brilliant accomplished man being too much that way.  I think he wore his uniform for pride and an accurate reflection of who he was.  Maybe unnecessary, but defensible.

What we do doesn’t just echo in eternity – it reflects who we are and although I shy away from this thought, even defines us.

Several versions of myself ago, there were 3 girls at my church that were highly sought after.  They were aptly called the Big 3.  It was almost comical to see the guys fall over themselves to impress them and to see who could get lunch with them after service.  I actually did take one of them to a dance when she was younger but it didn’t click.

Anyway, I just observed.  Part of it was the girl I lit the candles for, my inherent reluctance to play someone else’s game, but intuitively, I knew in a weird John Nash game theory sort of way that the correct strategy to be noticed was to ignore them or at least pretend to.  

And guess what, the most attractive approached me out of the blue to introduce herself.  She reminded me of the girl sung about in the Eagles’ Peaceful Easy Feeling.  But I was really shy so I think I just turned beet red and deflected.  Never figured out how to translate the other skills to this arena.

But that’s the lesson.  I used to teach my students this bit of worldly wisdom – if you want to court a woman, first court her sister.