Songs of Pain and Hope

For someone interested in strategy, I’m really mediocre to bad at board games.  I do enjoy learning the concepts behind them and the frameworks of the best ways to handle games.

A former colleague once told me that I was playing the equivalent of 3D chess against her colleague who was playing checkers.  She even called me a grandmaster (not sure if deserved, but one of the nicest things I’ve ever been told).  I replied not any form of chess, but rather I was playing Go.

Chess is a game of attrition and confrontation.  Grind your enemy down.  Lose a major piece early and if your opponent is competent, you’re as good as dead.  A very Western concept.

Go, on the other hand, is based on different principles.  More about time and controlling space, I call it the water game – surround, envelop, drown your opponent.  In Go, when a situation looks dire, unlike chess, a few key well-placed moves, sometimes even just one, can change the course of the game.

No board game can precisely mimic life.  Life isn’t turn based, constrained by rules, and the pieces aren’t set.  But Go is a good one.  I have a book that explains its connections with the 36 Stratagems – Chinese in origin, based in Taoism and extremely insightful.   It pretty much summarizes a good portion of human strategy.

The focus of fluidity in Go versus a more confrontational style also probably works better in the real world.  There is a place for direct conflict, but the fluidity of human beings and the costly nature of fighting makes it impractical.

Originally intended to teach the kids this phrase – “Visit the Dark Side but do not linger.”  I can’t take credit for this one, it’s by Cass Sunstein, a famous law professor who authored a book on Star Wars and life.

A friend would make the joke that it meant hanging out with Darth Vader.  The best jokes have quite a bit of truth in them.  Mr. Vader could teach us a lot – listening to your teacher, don’t fall in love with someone off limits, beware old creepy politician types, and yeah, never forget how the high ground works.

Jokes aside, the point is valid.  We all have dark sides whether we acknowledge or admit it.  Must understand, learn to control, someone even wrote make love to it.

Notwithstanding individual concerns, how does one address the Dark Side (in any context) without understanding it?  I find the Harry Potter universe to be surprisingly insightful (side comment – who in the world would want to be assigned to Hufflepuff?  They just seem average plodders.  A law school friend would derisively refer to them as “ham and eggers”).  

Sorting Hat questions aside, the concept of a Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher is brilliant and necessary.  Without that teaching, Harry and friends wouldn’t have prevailed against the formidable Voldemort and company.

When I taught, I included a portion on defense for my students.  I wish I had understood it better.  

And one time, someone did hum the Imperial March, Vader’s theme song when I entered the classroom.  I swear I was nice, really.

(From the NYPD years)

My daughter and I watched Beauty and the Beast, our first movie at the theatre together. 

I’m not much of a film connoisseur, but I thought it was well-executed.  My daughter got a bit scared but she recognized the songs and as always, her favorite part was the happy ending.  

On a side but related note, I’m reading a book about JRR Tolkien’s and CS Lewis’ friendship after the First World War and how their war experience affected their writing.  One of the key points was that their work incorporated ideas of the more noble parts of human nature, even in periods of crisis and destruction, in contrast to the bitter (and justified) cynicism that pervaded the post-war environment.

Watching Beauty and the Beast reminded me of the value of these stories – that darkness doesn’t always have its way, and that beauty, hope, and light are still present.  This to me is an important lesson to ground Eowyn and her brother in.  Over the past several years, I have studied and practiced strategy and policy.  The underlying principles and tactics in themselves are amoral; but as Sun Tzu and his modern acolyte, John Boyd, would point out, a key component of conflict is the moral dimension.  And this on some level can be found in these classic tales and stories

One of my favorite players at Indiana was Dane Fife.  He won the award for best player in his home state, Michigan.  He was supposed to be a star in college, but for some reason it never panned out.  He was still a starter but what was remarkable about him was he kept playing hard for the team, contributing as a solid player.  His contributions were more than his stat sheet.

The main problem with Fife was that he lost his confidence shooting.  He didn’t even average 10 points in his whole career, rare for a shooting guard.  He would pass up open jumpers and fans would beg him to shoot.  This was very painful to watch at times.  

For me, there would be games I would hit my 3s at a 50 percent clip and others  would be 0-fers.  It would often come down to whether I hit on one of my early shots.  The first few buckets would give confidence to keep shooting.

Fife ends up a school leader in steals and becomes a coach.

But the moral here is you must take the shot.  Whether it’s for a job, relationship, educational opportunity, dream.  You may never get that look again.  Take the f———- shot.

(From the Indiana years)

I think when you have the chance to find love or do something else of comparable value, you damn well better do it. Love does not come walking in much through your library doors or down the pews of your church, or any other random place that you may haunt in your solitude.  

Love instead tends to leave town on a jetplane or a Greyhound bus to places where you will never reach. I’m getting pretty sick and disgusted of people hiding behind this concept of God’s timing or will.  Maybe God gave you the opportunity in the first place.  Take the jumpshot at the corner of the three-point arc if you’re open.  Don’t wait till someone sneaks up on you and strips the ball from your hands.  Some people would kill for your opportunity.

As a child, I learned these powerful words of the great, flawed David who went through so much to become a king.  Shepherd, warrior, general, fugitive, poet, musician, lover.  All the training necessary to be a good ruler. 

Also used to have these words posted above my daughter’s crib.  I was terrified about raising her.  My favorite verse, which I used to say to myself all the time, growing up in the suffocating DC area.

“You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.  You anoint my head with oil; my cup runs over.”

Fought uphill a lot, outnumbered, outgunned.  But His rod and staff.  Just enough.  I joke that I always had just enough to get to the next step in life.  Didn’t fit in anywhere, so went everywhere.  Couldn’t do one thing spectacularly, so learned to do many things solidly.

And all the just enoughs added up.

Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death

I’ll fear no evil for Thou art with me

My grandfather figure and I were discussing the concept of hidden blessings.  Often, they aren’t what they appear to be.  I often think of the hand I was dealt.  Mixed cards for sure but not what they appeared to be.  The apparent good cards turned out to be not so good and vice versa.  Regardless, I knew what I had was inadequate for what the life I wanted and what I dreamt to accomplish.  

This one is about grace disguised.

I didn’t come up with that term – I’m not smart enough for that.  It’s actually the title of a book written by a professor who lost his wife, mother, and daughter in a car accident.  It is profound writing and contains many life lessons.

When people think of ruts, they often think of a period of despair, sadness, and depression.  And while that is certainly true, I think the more prevalent and pernicious state is coasting and going through the motions.  When things are neither good nor bad enough to make any substantial changes.  It’s more than boredom, apathy, or lack of growth.  It is the start of a slow death.  It’s like when your team is down by an insurmountable deficit and you’re just calling plays to run down the clock.  I saw this at my alma mater with their football team when I was in college – the run and punt offense.  It was embarrassing to watch.  

My daughter used to have playdates with this wealthy family in NYC.  Although we lived in a somewhat mixed zone, the school she went to had a pretty well to do demographic.  It had some pretty ridiculous ideas which I may write about later such as it’s ok to have different answers for math problems and have Circle of Life parent diversity nights.  

No and no.  

2 + 2 always equals 4 and I’m not Pumba, Mufass, or Rafiki on display for you to gawk at.  

So the playdate.  It was in a nice apartment.  The dad was a good 20 years older than the mom and a clear second (or more) marriage.  They were nice (sort of) but they didn’t really like the fact I was NYPD.  I dunno – maybe they had little bags of white powder stashed somewhere.  They did have a boat.  My daughter was totally out of her environment for sure.

I was curious so I used some of my investigation skills to find out more about this family (legally).  And it was sorta funny – the prior wife looked exactly like the new one.  We used to joke at work that Police Commissioner Bratton traded up in terms of wives every time he had a major promotion.  Here, it felt like more of the same.  Jokes aside, it made me think of what really breaks cycles – in any case or situation.

Sometimes it’s intentional and others it isn’t.  They can be gifts, the grace disguised.  It’s a bit dramatized in the Bruce Lee biopic Dragon but it was his breaking his back that gave him the impetus to really think hard to develop his philosophy of Jeet Kune Do.  The months of incapacitation allowed him to put many of his thoughts and training together, even using his philosophy background.  

Grace and destiny collide.  It is timeless and universal.  It happened to me repeatedly during my journey.  The difficult part is to decide whether to resist or embrace it all.  You can fight the current or go with the flow and see where it all goes.  I used a lot of Taoist strategy in my professional work – often to the bewilderment of my superiors, who were often accustomed to doing something.  Sometimes, doing nothing is best.  Let the waterfall carry whatever where it needs to go.

But 2 + 2 = 4.  

Always.

One of the most powerful scenes in movies is the kiss Michael Corleone gives his brother Fredo in Havana on New Year’s Eve after realizing that it was the latter who betrayed him and almost gets him and his family killed.  My law school classmate and I would often discuss the heartbreak, disappointment, and anger within that scene.  

This one is about dealing with the Fredos in our lives – the ones who aren’t good to keep around for one reason or the other.

Long story short, Michael orders the death of his brother.  This decision isn’t easy because Fredo is good to Michael.  If you recall, he’s the only one who consoles Michael after the rest of the family disapproves of his decision to join the Marines against his father’s wishes.  But Fredo is insecure and jealous, and gives access to the Family’s enemies to  infiltrate the business.  It wasn’t malicious, more reckless and stupid than anything.

Michael regrets killing his brother and rightfully so.  Don’t kill anyone for any reason (with maybe one or two exceptions).  But I’ve also thought about whether that hit was truly inappropriate or ineffective.

The problem with Fredo is that he’s easily manipulated.  He is a walking liability.  His stupidity almost leads to destruction of the Family.  Keeping him alive would have just kept the door open for future avenues of danger.  I think Michael killed him out of vengeance but the practicality of the decision is more defensible.

Several close friends and I have discussed the Fredos in our lives.  Some are even actual brothers or relatives.  And we all agree, they must be taken care of.  John Boyd – a strategist I respected and whose work I often used said – if you ask for my loyalty, I’ll give you honesty.  If you ask for my honesty, I’ll give you loyalty.  I can generally forgive quite a bit but betrayal is not on the list.  I haven’t spoken to some former friends in decades because of this.  Loyalty is paramount for friendships and relationships.  State of love and trust and all that follows.

I understand everyone has a price but some people I know are just way too easy.  As I’ve said before, if you’re going to sell someone or yourself out, have some self-respect and at least do it for a decent price.  Cheap lovers make expensive wives.

A little known fact.  When David is on his deathbed, he counsels his heir Solomon to kill two individuals – his lead general and another prominent person who disrespects and disobeys in the past.  This is not only smart but warranted.  The general would have posed a military threat to the kingdom and the other a political one.  David – a man after God’s own heart and wise as a serpent.

It is difficult to find a loyal friend.  They are gold.  The others are to be held loosely.

Or taken fishing.