Songs of Pain and Hope

Mrs. ———- said I was like a soldier coming home from war and many wouldn’t understand what I’ve seen and experienced. I realized it’s more than that. It’s also that it changed me and how I now see the world and others. It’s about lenses and reference points. One needs an adequate or sufficient set to really get it. 

I asked my prosecutor mentor where he put his feelings on his casework. His reply was the most comforting and honest answers I’ve ever heard about this topic – “I don’t know.” That was all I needed to hear. I don’t think much about them to be honest. I had enough light to forget. That’s what it’s about. 

Processing is important and I don’t discount or minimize it but that’s not the whole solution. It is about light drowning out the darkness. We are more than our pain and even healing from it. We are who we are created to be. I was destined for all that I did. All of it. And I was destined to meet you.  

Malaysia was a Third World country. It wasn’t as bad has others. But it was and still is politically unstable. There isn’t much freedom of speech, religion, and other components. The government arrests whoever they deem as threats. Christians can be targeted and it is difficult to practice. Until the early 1980s, there were still Communist insurgents living in the jungles. The poverty isn’t like US poverty. Schooling isn’t either. We had uniforms, strict hierarchy, and the discipline was harsh, even brutal. I once was made to stand in the sun for an hour. The temperature was over a hundred degrees. This is a different world and when I got to the US, I already had this lens to view the world from. My parents, even though flawed, did take us to travel. I saw some other countries and it also colored my perspective. 

Environment matters a lot. Where we live, our families, our friends. Mine were always mixed. Over the Christmas break, the kids and I stayed at my old office in Philadelphia. It was first converted into condominiums and then into a hotel. It was nice to visit and show the kids a significant piece of my history but it also brought back unpleasant memories. Till the day I die, I’ll always be a Philadelphia Assistant DA but it wasn’t sunshine and roses. The building itself doesn’t have a lot of windows that look outside. My office faced an alleyway and once in a while, a mouse would walk by my window. There were mice in the office too. I think we can romanticize the past. I learned a lot in this job but I was also bored to tears at times. My colleagues were competitive and while I did have friends, I wasn’t close to many people. I don’t think it was a matter of holding it in but I intuitively knew many wouldn’t understand. This has been the case for much of this existence. 

How could I explain Malaysia to my junior high and high school peers? The immigrant experience to those who were born here. And now all the other things. Maybe it doesn’t really matter all that much. The world does what it wants and so do people. The magic and mystery of it all is that somehow things, if they don’t exactly fall into place, at least somewhat or somehow makes sense. The seams can hold. I don’t think I broke much and if I did, it wasn’t permanent. 

I’ve been also thinking about healing and I wondered why I am doing it in Maryland in a relatively slow fashion. I realized that sometimes the slow way is the right way. I narrowly avoided surgery in the hospital and it was the antibiotics that was the main treatment. Surgery would have been quicker but the damage would have been greater. And ironically, so would have been the overall recovery time. Sometimes, when a bone is broken and not set properly, it must be re-broken to have it heal correctly this time around. I’ve also heard this – that a healed bone is stronger than before. It is true of other surgeries. The replacement tendon or ligament is sometimes stronger than the original. 

Our journeys all wound us in one way or the other. Some can be self-inflicted but I suspect most of it isn’t. We also heal to be more of who we were meant to be. 

I thought and still think you are part of the healing. 

And more.

I’m not just comfortable with you, I feel safe. 

Only God completes us as individuals but we can complement each other.  

My daughter’s godfather said we can rescue each other. 

I’ve traveled much of this journey alone.

Walk and dream with me.

I will never walk away from you. 

I’ll give you my world.

Open up.

Everything’s waiting for you.

Today I taught my kids that I could write elegant poetry but was also quite accurate with a gun. Deadly accurate. I also taught them that some people need to be pistol whipped to get the point across. That’s the only thing they’d respond to. The daughter replied that she knew several kids in her school who needed that. Maybe with a Nerf gun. 

This story isn’t a random one. We were having lunch with her godparents and I casually mentioned that I was proficient with a gun. She then tells me that her mother confirmed that for her. I was surprised because I didn’t know others knew. I received a gun as a wedding present and I didn’t even practice that much with it. I didn’t even have much formal training. For the record, I am not crazy about guns and think this country needs some major reform in this arena. 

The real reason why I tell this story is that often it was others who would point out something I could do well. I was unaware most of the time. I think this stemmed heavily from my parents. I joke that for many Asian parents, what their kids do isn’t good enough – but with mine, just take out the word enough. In some ways, it affected what I thought about myself but also not really. 

There’s this story in the Bible where Peter sees Jesus on the shore after his resurrection and is overjoyed. Peter then gets out of the boat he’s in and starts walking on water toward Jesus. Somewhere along the way, Peter gets scared and sinks. His faith wavers. 

Mine was like that too. Also in terms of confidence. They wavered and I wish I was stronger and more consistent. But I did have them. I remarked recently to a few friends that everyone places their faith and confidence in something, regardless of religious beliefs. They could be in money, friends, ourselves, a relationship, job. We need both to do many things – raise a child, get a degree, get married, etc. 

And ultimately, they should be in God. That is supremely difficult because He is invisible and not as audible in the way we would expect. But what is the alternative? I’ve learned the hard way that anything else cannot be fully relied on. As to Peter, I don’t think Jesus was harsh with him. He understood weakness and the difficulty of faith. 

After the hospital, I prayed and surrendered more to God. Several major issues changed and improved. I healed. My parents behaved better. Strengthened my bond with the kids (it was already a strong one). And the writing changed – especially that to and for you. Before, it was good but it’s not just different, it’s somehow better – making the earlier ones feel like rough drafts. 

Once in a while I would do something that stood out – teach a good lesson, play a good game, etc. And I would say that I was walking on water. 

These letters to you, I term them letters of faith. I write them in faith and I send them in faith. Several months ago, I wrote you that I (insert word) you in faith. I should have had more to write the truth.

When I was in the hospital, I didn’t eat for days and couldn’t move much.  The pain was excruciating. They tried to get away with giving me Tylenol but I needed Oxycodone. On a few occasions, they forgot to give me my pain medicine, and this was early on when the pain was at its highest. I also had to be changed and cleaned like a baby. 

I didn’t watch TV so I listened to music on my phone. Sometimes, a song would come on that would remind me of you. I would smile through and despite the pain and say to myself – that’s a ——— song. The one that played several times was Neil Young’s Harvest Moon. I’m not even sure you knew this one but it is so you. The one song that I do remember you liken was Whiskey Lullaby. I am not that familiar with country music but I knew this one. When I found out I was to be admitted to the hospital, I felt relief because I knew I would be taken care of. My infection was so bad, they transferred me from Shady Grove Hospital to Medstar in DC. I did somewhat enjoy the ambulance ride, my first as a patient. When one of the doctors said it might be cancer, I said to myself “Ok. If that’s the way I’ll go, it’d be ok.” I was just so tired. 

Although the hospital was lonely and scary at times, there were also moments of levity and peace. One night, one of the nurses tried to draw blood unsuccessfully after several attempts. I just told her to stop because I had already been drawn multiple times that day, more than normal because of a medication I was on. I said to her no more and I don’t care. I said I’m usually quiet and don’t complain but enough is enough. I was crying in frustration. I told her I was usually good and she said she knew, that I was one of her best patients. She then calls in a more experienced nurse who then tells her she was trying to draw blood from a tendon rather than a vein. I started to laugh. Sometimes, life gets so absurd, all you can do is laugh. 

Recently, I stated to say that I can use my skills and experience to get what I need or want, or let God use those to achieve the similar goals. They sound similar but they are completely different. When I look back, that was how He did it with me. I don’t end up with my life without that component. I put in the work but there was also Providence and gifts. 

I used to stay in my grandmother’s house in her hometown in Malaysia. It was a rundown neighborhood. There were many mosquitoes, lizards, and cockroaches. There was no shower and even a toilet bowl. We bathed by pouring water over our heads with a container and going to the bathroom by squatting over an embedded toilet in the ground. The house was poorly lit and there were often electricity and water shortages. There weren’t a lot of streetlights around and it was generally dark. 

But there was TV. Only two channels at the time and the they would broadcast from the afternoon till midnight with heavy censorship. We used to watch an American show, Dallas. That was my first exposure to the US. The scenes of ranches, cowboys, cattle, the Dallas Cowboys stadium, and Americana in general were imprinted in my memories. Little did I know, that I would be in the US a few years later. 

The other significant events would follow a similar pattern. I didn’t expect them but they somehow made sense. I belonged and I didn’t but God always made a way to and through. I think God gave me what I needed. 

There’s a Rich Mullins song Elijah, about the prophet, who happens to provably be my favorite biblical character. In fact, my son’s name was originally was to be Elijah until I found out that there was another baby at church with the same name. And he did look like a Mongol warlord when he popped out. In any case, some of the lyrics that stand out to me are “This life has shown me how we’re mended and how we’re torn

How it’s okay to be lonely as long as you’re free

Sometimes my ground was stony

And sometimes covered up with thorns

And only You could make it what it had to be.”

Those words ring true like no other. I can see how many things, even and especially the difficult ones were designed and ordained by God to prepare me for the future. 

Malaysia for the US definitely. If you look up the Malaysian flag and the US one, they look similar. Both countries have a similar federal and state government system. They are also multicultural societies – ethnically, religiously, and in other ways. I was never super fast or big as an athlete, but I was quick and had good reflexes. I could make saves as a goalie and field balls really well. I realized only the past few years that I developed these abilities from playing badminton, a sport which isn’t played much competitively in the US, but more so in Asia and Europe. Malaysia is one of the best in the world at the game. We have won several world championships and have had some of the world’s best players. 

The game is fast and the shuttlecock is hit back and forth at dizzying speeds. I was a decent to good player. I dove to make plays and could often react quickly to return volleys. But when I got to the US I was not that athletic compared to my peers. I got placed with the girls section in PE in seventh grade with a few other guys. But I was flexible and somehow had an above average arm. The latter was a surprise to me as I had rarely thrown a ball until then. That ability, too, came from badminton. Another component of the game is smashing the shuttlecock with great force past your opponent. I was very good at this and it made my arm strong as a result. I used that arm in other sports.  For someone my size – a little over 5’5″ and around 150 lb, my arm is strong. I coulf throw out runners from the outfield, a football quite a long distance, and even the discus in a respectable fashion. 

Nothing is wasted and many things, if not everything, happens for a reason.  A good one. 

I don’t think this is true of everyone I’ve met but in general, I could grasp someone else’s story than the other way around. It is a combination of intuition, experience, and probably a host of other things. This is a double edged sword. What I’ve written down (primarily for my children) is the layered truth of who I was and am. 

The hidden layers were indirectly my shield. It protected me from friendships and even romantic relationships that would have harmed me. I often wished more girls would have looked my way and I was smoother with them but that would have been a detriment. I have a friend who is attractive, intelligent, and sophisticated.  And those are also all double edged swords. Many have loved her for the wrong reasons, those instead of what matters the most, the heart. She has a kind one. 

There’s a saying I also find profound. All roads lead to Nineveh. We cannot run from our destiny or fate, as told in many of the ancient myths. When I read some of my old writing, I see several instances of foreshadowing. These weren’t just hopes and wishes but things I would predict coming true – some in very specific ways and some in very surprising but pleasant ones. To me, this is the proof of the presence of God. 

Those lyrics about Him making our path what it had to be isn’t all sad as the song makes it sound. I once dreamed of planting a vegetable garden. I also say this from time to time – tomorrows’s joy is planted in today’s suffering.

I hope and think that’s true.